I have been tossing around the idea of how some athletes, including myself, might at some point use our race gear to hide or to feel more emboldened in areas where we might feel a bit shy. Now hear me out. I find it perfectly okay when I see runners proudly display their gear. I myself cannot live without wearing my race tops everywhere. They are like a sweet reminder of badassery activity from the not-so-distant past. Yet, could there be such as thing as doing it for the wrong reasons? I fear that maybe the answer is 'sometimes'. For example, I myself, have often veered towards using a race shirt, to the gym, for example, especially on my 'feeling-less-than-confident' days. Wearing a top earned at my favorite race, for example, absolutely adds a little more confidence, especially when I might not be quite feeling it that day. In addition, as a Buddhist who is always trying to let go of all types of inner fears and always practicing deeper and deeper levels of self-acceptance, I do not like this occasional dependence I feel to wear a race shirt to feel better. IF I WERE to need to hide behind a race shirt that I then should work on not needing this so much. The worry comes from the idea that If wearing that shirt becomes a total dire necessity, not just a simple adornment, then what does that say about who we think we really are beneath all that gear? Byron Katie, a self-help guru whose books I adore, always asks the poignant question, "Who would you be without your story?". In asking us that question she pushes us to really question who we think we are behind all the narrative, all the medals, all the labels, whatever it is that we use to define ourselves to the external world. In a perfect world I should not feel the need to flaunt my accomplishments so externally, or so intensely or even all the time in order for my essence to come across clearly to others. In a perfect world I would very much hope that my own personality would stand on its own, without the need to embellish it with anything extra. And of course, I want to wear that shirt, display the 26.2 stickers and show off the my medals but not if without it I really think I'm nothing.
Showing posts with label relationship with other runners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship with other runners. Show all posts
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Monday, December 25, 2017
Independence in relationships.
I have come a long way from the young girl who romanticized love, who equated to much caring with true caring, who no matter how much I denied it, ultimately continued to define herself by other's general satisfaction level with me. I had no sense of me, no idea of who I was or what I wanted. Fear was a driving factor in all my relationships. Fear of losing whatever it was I had at the moment made me feel I needed to amp up the intensity and constantly swim uphill to maintain control. God forbid anything changed.
To illustrate the above I will tell you a story. When I was in college I was with someone whom I loved very much. I took excellent care to always be present and caring and wonderful to this person, so much so that I slowly became someone else entirely in trying to keep this person happy and content near me. In turn, this partner too changed due to my suffocating "care". In the end, as you can imagine, I was dumped...but dumped hard! I was told when this happened that I had lost the free spirit that made me so attractive to begin with and I had become too needy, too bossy, too much. Looking back now, I was too suffocating in my care, too maternal, too intense, and too prescriptive in how my needs needed to be met. Looking back, I know all of this mess stemmed from just fear, fear of change, scared of losing whatever was there, no matter how undeveloped or not right for me it was. At that time, of course, I walked away from the relationships completely stung, deeply hurt, and utterly unable to understand how anyone could turn away from such love and care. In this case as in many, love was not enough. In this case, as the character Bob in what about Bob, the movie, the care was the last thing my partner needed, but I was too blind and naive to know that at the time.
Fast forward 20 years later, I totally get it now. Love, as much as we think is the end-all-be-all of everything, does not make a relationship, and sometimes too much of it can even help end many relationships. One OTHER aspect of relationships that is too often widely overlooked when choosing a life partner is (drumroll please....)..... intensity level. Intensity level plays a huge essential part in relationships dynamics. Intensity level, in fact, plays such an integral part in a relationships that within days one can begin to see the trajectory of success or failure of any relationship begin to form based purely on the compatibility of the intensity within the two individuals. Depending on the intensity level in the relationship, partners can either make you feel free and alive or choked, immobile and just wrong. No matter how much we love to be in the company of a loved one, independence is its own reward and if made to choose, freedom is always the most attractive path to all of us seeking general happiness in our futures.
So the questions begs to be asked, "what is the right intensity level?". Intensity levels are very tightly connected to expectations and demands. Negative issues, as I alluded above, arise mostly when intensity levels do not match. Each participant needs to honor their own needs coupled with practicing "allow". Allow simply means letting others be who they are without pushing our weight around to make our counterparts do things our way, etc. For any successful relationship to work, it's important to know that not all partners can and should ever meet all our needs and/or acquiesce to all our demands but also it's essential to know that not all needs and demands need to be abandoned either. We constantly ask ourselves over and over again, over the course of the relationship forming, what is and is not okay with us personally. Constantly reflecting upon and genuinely honoring and remaining true to our most essential limits will we be assured a life where we get more of what we need and less/none of what we don't.
So now it's my turn. What does a self-sufficient woman who is totally content with the way her life is at the moment need from a relationship? This is where things get tricky. I have come to learn over the years that most people generally are much more comfortable relating to others when this "other" has a need. It must be some type of universal rule, but it's generally much easier being a friend to someone in need. Makes sense, feels good to be needed. On the other hand, it's much harder to be a friend to someone who is emotionally independent. I was that ultimately all-giving friend once. Most of my female friends consisted of women going through tragedy, drama, or simply pure hell...not sometimes, but always. I was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, putting out other people's fires, placing my needs last always. But It felt like I was making a difference, when in fact I was spinning in one place, never making much progress.
I totally get it now, just like the 20 year-old me getting dumped, I know it stings to not feel needed to come put out fires, yet, now I am looking for a very different type of connection, for a different type of frienships. Therefore, I will rephrase my question here, What does a self-sufficient woman who feels emotionally independent primarily needs from any relationship? Definitely NOT one resembling of a mom to a baby, or of the "lost one" to a "savior", but of true, powerful equals in which both gain from the relationship. I am looking to connect on a higher level. These days quality is worth more to me than quantity. Unlike a 20-year old, who might pride herself on being surrounded by as many friends as possible, I would be perfectly happy with a handful of sane, confident trustworthy confidants any day.
So this year, running-wise, I feel I have gotten wiser and much stronger. I know this body I inhabit so well now. That is a gift from me to me and so my goals are more on the emotional plane. Relationship-wise, I feel satisfied with how my husband and I have grown so close and we relate on levels unmatched by other relationships I've had thus far. He is an honest to goodness true friend to me and I am to him. I don't think I can say anything to him and he'd be surprised, hurt, or closed off to me. He so deeply knows himself; I have utmost respect for all the growth he's helped me achieve. I can only wish to be as emotionally grounded as he is one day. In addition, I will continue to seek deep and genuine connections with friends and colleagues in which we relate to each other as powerful equals, and with balanced intensity levels that allow us to grow and learn from one another. I will continue to fan the flames of relationships which help me feel powerful, brave and and who acknowledge and value my chosen paths.
To illustrate the above I will tell you a story. When I was in college I was with someone whom I loved very much. I took excellent care to always be present and caring and wonderful to this person, so much so that I slowly became someone else entirely in trying to keep this person happy and content near me. In turn, this partner too changed due to my suffocating "care". In the end, as you can imagine, I was dumped...but dumped hard! I was told when this happened that I had lost the free spirit that made me so attractive to begin with and I had become too needy, too bossy, too much. Looking back now, I was too suffocating in my care, too maternal, too intense, and too prescriptive in how my needs needed to be met. Looking back, I know all of this mess stemmed from just fear, fear of change, scared of losing whatever was there, no matter how undeveloped or not right for me it was. At that time, of course, I walked away from the relationships completely stung, deeply hurt, and utterly unable to understand how anyone could turn away from such love and care. In this case as in many, love was not enough. In this case, as the character Bob in what about Bob, the movie, the care was the last thing my partner needed, but I was too blind and naive to know that at the time.
Fast forward 20 years later, I totally get it now. Love, as much as we think is the end-all-be-all of everything, does not make a relationship, and sometimes too much of it can even help end many relationships. One OTHER aspect of relationships that is too often widely overlooked when choosing a life partner is (drumroll please....)..... intensity level. Intensity level plays a huge essential part in relationships dynamics. Intensity level, in fact, plays such an integral part in a relationships that within days one can begin to see the trajectory of success or failure of any relationship begin to form based purely on the compatibility of the intensity within the two individuals. Depending on the intensity level in the relationship, partners can either make you feel free and alive or choked, immobile and just wrong. No matter how much we love to be in the company of a loved one, independence is its own reward and if made to choose, freedom is always the most attractive path to all of us seeking general happiness in our futures.
So the questions begs to be asked, "what is the right intensity level?". Intensity levels are very tightly connected to expectations and demands. Negative issues, as I alluded above, arise mostly when intensity levels do not match. Each participant needs to honor their own needs coupled with practicing "allow". Allow simply means letting others be who they are without pushing our weight around to make our counterparts do things our way, etc. For any successful relationship to work, it's important to know that not all partners can and should ever meet all our needs and/or acquiesce to all our demands but also it's essential to know that not all needs and demands need to be abandoned either. We constantly ask ourselves over and over again, over the course of the relationship forming, what is and is not okay with us personally. Constantly reflecting upon and genuinely honoring and remaining true to our most essential limits will we be assured a life where we get more of what we need and less/none of what we don't.
So now it's my turn. What does a self-sufficient woman who is totally content with the way her life is at the moment need from a relationship? This is where things get tricky. I have come to learn over the years that most people generally are much more comfortable relating to others when this "other" has a need. It must be some type of universal rule, but it's generally much easier being a friend to someone in need. Makes sense, feels good to be needed. On the other hand, it's much harder to be a friend to someone who is emotionally independent. I was that ultimately all-giving friend once. Most of my female friends consisted of women going through tragedy, drama, or simply pure hell...not sometimes, but always. I was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, putting out other people's fires, placing my needs last always. But It felt like I was making a difference, when in fact I was spinning in one place, never making much progress.
I totally get it now, just like the 20 year-old me getting dumped, I know it stings to not feel needed to come put out fires, yet, now I am looking for a very different type of connection, for a different type of frienships. Therefore, I will rephrase my question here, What does a self-sufficient woman who feels emotionally independent primarily needs from any relationship? Definitely NOT one resembling of a mom to a baby, or of the "lost one" to a "savior", but of true, powerful equals in which both gain from the relationship. I am looking to connect on a higher level. These days quality is worth more to me than quantity. Unlike a 20-year old, who might pride herself on being surrounded by as many friends as possible, I would be perfectly happy with a handful of sane, confident trustworthy confidants any day.
So this year, running-wise, I feel I have gotten wiser and much stronger. I know this body I inhabit so well now. That is a gift from me to me and so my goals are more on the emotional plane. Relationship-wise, I feel satisfied with how my husband and I have grown so close and we relate on levels unmatched by other relationships I've had thus far. He is an honest to goodness true friend to me and I am to him. I don't think I can say anything to him and he'd be surprised, hurt, or closed off to me. He so deeply knows himself; I have utmost respect for all the growth he's helped me achieve. I can only wish to be as emotionally grounded as he is one day. In addition, I will continue to seek deep and genuine connections with friends and colleagues in which we relate to each other as powerful equals, and with balanced intensity levels that allow us to grow and learn from one another. I will continue to fan the flames of relationships which help me feel powerful, brave and and who acknowledge and value my chosen paths.
Monday, December 4, 2017
Gift Guide for the Runner in Your Life (2017-18 Holiday Season)
I have made a list here of basically things I personally would love. But to give further background; I did not put sneakers here because that is a purchase I do myself and myself only. Second, I am not a huge gift giver or receiver. I usually buy myself everything I need so these are items I could not have enough of or maybe even not feel I could splurge on getting more than a few....but would love to....
I love fleece hats. I cannot have enough of them for I am always losing them. So therefore, having new ones as gifts is always a win, win.
Sweaty Bands never get old. Yet, I stick to the thicker versions.
DO NOT bother getting a distance runner cheap socks. They are often too thick and most of them sold in bulk are often all cotton. Smartwoold and Swiftwick are two brands I use and trust. My socks are like gold. I am still mourning the half a pair I eft behind at the hotel dryer in Miami two years ago...that is how much I value them.
She's gotta know something.....she ate this way and won the NYC Marathon....so, it's worth a look.
Best gift I have ever gotten has been a gift certificate to a local running store. You cannot go wrong with this one.
Choose any workout gear from a race she once ran. Make sure the right year is on there and make sure, most importantly, that you have the size down.
Medals pilling up? get a new rack? Etsy has a ton of styles at affordable prices.
A running magnet for her car!! If she's already got all her #'s on there, choose a funny one....
This is gold. They seem very much behind the scenes until once day you need them and don't have them.
Most likely she already had Runner's World. Yet, Trail Runner has the most beautiful pictures and amazing articles inside.
I love fleece hats. I cannot have enough of them for I am always losing them. So therefore, having new ones as gifts is always a win, win.
Sweaty Bands never get old. Yet, I stick to the thicker versions.
DO NOT bother getting a distance runner cheap socks. They are often too thick and most of them sold in bulk are often all cotton. Smartwoold and Swiftwick are two brands I use and trust. My socks are like gold. I am still mourning the half a pair I eft behind at the hotel dryer in Miami two years ago...that is how much I value them.
She's gotta know something.....she ate this way and won the NYC Marathon....so, it's worth a look.
Best gift I have ever gotten has been a gift certificate to a local running store. You cannot go wrong with this one.
Choose any workout gear from a race she once ran. Make sure the right year is on there and make sure, most importantly, that you have the size down.
Medals pilling up? get a new rack? Etsy has a ton of styles at affordable prices.
A running magnet for her car!! If she's already got all her #'s on there, choose a funny one....
This is gold. They seem very much behind the scenes until once day you need them and don't have them.
Most likely she already had Runner's World. Yet, Trail Runner has the most beautiful pictures and amazing articles inside.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
The plus size athlete... (mike drop)
Funny how you may be THE least competitive person on the planet, but IF you, (1) don't look like an athlete and, (2) run races, such as marathons, you will forever come face to face with people's predictable, yet, extremely annoying and ruffled reactions to the incompatibility of these two facts in their own world. The reason I mention competition above is because the reaction I most often get is similar to what I'd probably get had I had chosen to challenge them competitively, a mix of offense and muted anger. Yet, I never think of my sport as one in which I need to compare myself with others, yet, the reaction I get points otherwise. Second, and even more importantly, I very much know that anyone can really do what I do if they set their minds to it, therefore, I know I don't put out competitive vibes out there.
As a human being who is fascinated by human reactions and thought patterns and who is also very aware of even the slightest change in reactions in others around me, I find it fascinating, frustrating and also extremely disturbing to subtly witness discomfort from others upon knowing about my little hobby. Which is why I will very rarely be heard talk about running with non-runners. Even among some runners I may be apprehensive talking about running. If I feel even the slightest bit of tension coming off them I move away.
Running has become like an old, comfortable shoe to me. Over the years I have made this sport is mine, all mine. I guess all runners find a way to make the sport speak through them. One benefit to reaching this level of familiarity with anything is that odd responses, or subtle words of discouragement no longer rattle me, instead, they both amuse me and they fire me up to do even more. In all seriousness, to me, running is much bigger than bragging rights, or impressing others. Those emotions did at one point exist in my head, yet, they have since been replaced with less extravagant and much more personal reasons. Running has become a form of life prayer, it's my happy place, it's my life skills coach, my giver of hope in humanity and through it I see the world with more love, more compassion and more understanding.
So come to me with your unsolicited comments on pace and speed or your subdued, yet, purposely hurtful questions, such as, "Did you walk it?". I am ready now. Know that these reactions do not hurt me, instead, they allow me to see you for who you are. At 44, my focus in the sport is razor sharp and my goals are fanned daily deep in my heart. Bring it....
As a human being who is fascinated by human reactions and thought patterns and who is also very aware of even the slightest change in reactions in others around me, I find it fascinating, frustrating and also extremely disturbing to subtly witness discomfort from others upon knowing about my little hobby. Which is why I will very rarely be heard talk about running with non-runners. Even among some runners I may be apprehensive talking about running. If I feel even the slightest bit of tension coming off them I move away.
Running has become like an old, comfortable shoe to me. Over the years I have made this sport is mine, all mine. I guess all runners find a way to make the sport speak through them. One benefit to reaching this level of familiarity with anything is that odd responses, or subtle words of discouragement no longer rattle me, instead, they both amuse me and they fire me up to do even more. In all seriousness, to me, running is much bigger than bragging rights, or impressing others. Those emotions did at one point exist in my head, yet, they have since been replaced with less extravagant and much more personal reasons. Running has become a form of life prayer, it's my happy place, it's my life skills coach, my giver of hope in humanity and through it I see the world with more love, more compassion and more understanding.
So come to me with your unsolicited comments on pace and speed or your subdued, yet, purposely hurtful questions, such as, "Did you walk it?". I am ready now. Know that these reactions do not hurt me, instead, they allow me to see you for who you are. At 44, my focus in the sport is razor sharp and my goals are fanned daily deep in my heart. Bring it....
Friday, August 25, 2017
Latino Tree cutters and endurance
This week, we employed 4 men to cut down two three-story trees from my backyard. I was not surprised when the crew arrived and they were all Latino, like me. They worked all day long, from 8:30am until 4pm and at the end of that one day, like a miracle, both mammoth trees were gone from our home, G.O.N.E, not a single trace left of them, not a branch, not a leaf. This was all in one day's work for these men and I could not even begin to imagine what their bodies probably felt like the next morning. I don't even think the effort of running an ultra would compare to the amount of work they did in that day. It absolutely blew my mind and humbled me into a million pieces to see these men working with such intensity. This was no ordinary "tough day" at the office, it was an enormous physical feat like nothing I've ever witnessed. I was so moved while watching them that for the past few days now I keep picturing the four of them carrying those large, heavy logs up a wet and slippery hill (my back yard) and loading them onto a truck in my driveway. One of them used the bare strength of his arms and legs, and the minimal help of a belt strap, to climb all the way up to the summit of each tree, oh, and while carrying an electric saw at the same time, I should add. Another worker was barely 18 years of age and only a few inches taller than my middle school son. At the end of the day they all looked like they had walked through a hurricane, they were completely covered in sawdust from head to toe and their faces were dirty with sweat and backyard debris.
Afterwards, as my husband and I stood in my front yard, chatting with them in Spanish and thanking them for their labor, I felt an enormous sense of pride pour over me. These are my people. I come from a long line of people just like these four men. These are people that are not afraid of hard work, willing to do the work that's required of them to feed their families. We know fairly well that the type of work we do does not define us, but that the quality of effort and the type of work we produce does define us. I too come from this line of people who have fearlessly faced impossible obstacles to move themselves and their family forward. I know this first hand from having worked hard myself all my life. I have never been afraid of work, being financially independent and being able to provide for my needs and those of my family have always been first thing on the agenda.
Before college, for example, I refused to go to school that fall without money. That summer I did all sorts of jobs, from house cleaning, to retail, gardening, babysitting. I worked like a dog, with a good attitude and a smile on my face; I did beautiful work. I saved up thousands that summer before college began and went to college with money in my pocket.
My mom has also been an amazing example of endurance. She has worked hard all her life, working as a housekeeper for over 30 years. I know it's not as physically demanding as tree cutting, but not an easy job either. In fact, I don't remember her ever taking a vacation while we were growing up. Most first generation Latinos, like my mom, hardly give themselves the luxury of vacation. Vacation to us is a night's gathering for birthdays or anniversaries over a delicious home-cooked meal, sprinkled with lots of laughter and jokes. But that is a far cry from what Americans consider a "vacation". Vacation was just not what we ever did as a family, not in our DNA. Even now, I have family members who continue to work in grueling environments, full of daily safety hazards, no vacations in sight, and in most cases, with zero insurance to boot. We Latinos know endurance very well. So, it's no secret I am drawn to this sport of endurance. Not only that, looking back at my heritage I know this is my sport.
In reflecting for this post I was reminded of staying up late nights in the summers as a young teen, to help my mom at her job as a housekeeper, and even at that young age, knowing that even though I was only a child I could not go to bed until the guests have left, the post-party clean-up work was completed, the dishes were in the washer and the diner tables were cleared. I need to come back often to this post every time I doubt whether or not I belong in this sport or whenever I doubt myself as a 'runner'. I will be reminded then that 'Yes', this is my sport, I am fully connected to it, not only in spirit but physically too. My body knows hard work, it's not scary to sweat for hours on end. Sacrifice, endurance, good attitude, excellent work ethics and a relentless striving towards a goal is deep in my DNA. Those are all my cultural gifts and I am so thankful for them. My hope now is that all those gifts I just listed will one day be instrumental in helping me cross that 50-mile mark of my first real ultra.
Afterwards, as my husband and I stood in my front yard, chatting with them in Spanish and thanking them for their labor, I felt an enormous sense of pride pour over me. These are my people. I come from a long line of people just like these four men. These are people that are not afraid of hard work, willing to do the work that's required of them to feed their families. We know fairly well that the type of work we do does not define us, but that the quality of effort and the type of work we produce does define us. I too come from this line of people who have fearlessly faced impossible obstacles to move themselves and their family forward. I know this first hand from having worked hard myself all my life. I have never been afraid of work, being financially independent and being able to provide for my needs and those of my family have always been first thing on the agenda.
Before college, for example, I refused to go to school that fall without money. That summer I did all sorts of jobs, from house cleaning, to retail, gardening, babysitting. I worked like a dog, with a good attitude and a smile on my face; I did beautiful work. I saved up thousands that summer before college began and went to college with money in my pocket.
My mom has also been an amazing example of endurance. She has worked hard all her life, working as a housekeeper for over 30 years. I know it's not as physically demanding as tree cutting, but not an easy job either. In fact, I don't remember her ever taking a vacation while we were growing up. Most first generation Latinos, like my mom, hardly give themselves the luxury of vacation. Vacation to us is a night's gathering for birthdays or anniversaries over a delicious home-cooked meal, sprinkled with lots of laughter and jokes. But that is a far cry from what Americans consider a "vacation". Vacation was just not what we ever did as a family, not in our DNA. Even now, I have family members who continue to work in grueling environments, full of daily safety hazards, no vacations in sight, and in most cases, with zero insurance to boot. We Latinos know endurance very well. So, it's no secret I am drawn to this sport of endurance. Not only that, looking back at my heritage I know this is my sport.
In reflecting for this post I was reminded of staying up late nights in the summers as a young teen, to help my mom at her job as a housekeeper, and even at that young age, knowing that even though I was only a child I could not go to bed until the guests have left, the post-party clean-up work was completed, the dishes were in the washer and the diner tables were cleared. I need to come back often to this post every time I doubt whether or not I belong in this sport or whenever I doubt myself as a 'runner'. I will be reminded then that 'Yes', this is my sport, I am fully connected to it, not only in spirit but physically too. My body knows hard work, it's not scary to sweat for hours on end. Sacrifice, endurance, good attitude, excellent work ethics and a relentless striving towards a goal is deep in my DNA. Those are all my cultural gifts and I am so thankful for them. My hope now is that all those gifts I just listed will one day be instrumental in helping me cross that 50-mile mark of my first real ultra.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
When we come upon other runners...
When running I am usually very happy, so it's no surprise that I smile at other runners and walkers as they pass me by and say, "Good Morning". Most often I get a smile back and even a return hello. When totally depleted of energy I will muster maybe a raised peace sign and a smile, but most times I will at least acknowledge the other person. But, more and more, and most often from younger runners, I get a deadpan stare, in which case after they pass silently to my greeting, I utter (under my breath, "or not"). Over the years I have gotten over the non-response. When I first started distance running I remember it really bit at me how some would simply pass you by. Then again, I WAS running in DC and like in any city people are cautious. Who knows what a smile or a greeting might bring, right? But I'd think that one could easier judge another's danger capability by engaging in a hello. For example, a drunk man stumbled out of the wooded area the other day, he was singing wildly and seemed unable to walk a straight line. As I ran by I summoned the voice of a Marine and sternly said a "good morning". In his drunken stupor the man responds, "Good morning Ma'am". Right then I categorized him as harmless.
Over the years, I have boiled down my greeting to a combination of a nod, a peace sign and a quick closed lip smirky smile. These three seem to be respectful, not too puppy giddy, not too forward, but communicate, "Hey, we are into the same sport....oh yeah!" No matter what though, I find that a greeting is something I just naturally do and have never considered not doing. How do you greet other runners?
Over the years, I have boiled down my greeting to a combination of a nod, a peace sign and a quick closed lip smirky smile. These three seem to be respectful, not too puppy giddy, not too forward, but communicate, "Hey, we are into the same sport....oh yeah!" No matter what though, I find that a greeting is something I just naturally do and have never considered not doing. How do you greet other runners?
Monday, July 10, 2017
Highlights to my day-
There is NOTHING more exciting to my morning than having my own home-made tea. This one has mint leaves, blueberry leaves from my garden and slices of ginger. I let it sit for about 10 minutes and then drink the entire thing, which is about 2 cups worth.
My first crop! 3 tomatoes, not ready yet though....can't wait to have them. I also have chives, beans, kale, lettuce, strawberries, blueberries, mint, cilantro, peppers and mint growing in my garden.
Someone in my neighborhood got rid of some crib sides and guess who got them? I created a triangle with them over my strawberries, which keep being eaten by wildlife. I need to cover them now with some thin material so that bugs and birds don't get to them. I also used some recycled some wood Nora had me buy last year for a woodworking project she was going to work on but never did to hold up my many bean plants. I am not crazy about beans but with the shady gardens I have been dealt I am willing to grow what wants to grow, and it seems like beans want to grow here.
Monday, February 6, 2017
Mortality, Imagination and Romance
Since my grandma's passing I have thought a lot about my own future passing. Yes, super morbid, I know, but that is what I have been thinking a lot of lately; If I have any control on how I would "go" (hopefully in the distant future), how would I like to go? I mentioned this to a friend not realizing how odd most people consider talks about death, and she nervously joked, saying, "wouldn't it be nice if we could control how we go?" But I don't think I am trying to necessarily control the date, or the way, but surely there are some aspects of aging I and everyone for the matter, have control over.
Little over a year ago, I went with my 8 year-old daughter to the Arlington Cinema Draft House in Arlington, VA to see a movie called, Run Free, the hero of the documentary film, Caballo Blanco, was an ultra-runner legend, goes off on a routine run one day and dies on the trails. He is found by his friends days later and brought back to town to be buried. As sad as this was, after seeing my grandma live through several years of blindness, deafness, and being almost completely immobile for the last year or more, I feel Caballo's passing was actually quite forgiving and much more welcoming than my grandma's passing. So it's not really about controlling when, or how really, yet, I would like to think that if I continued to run into old age, as he did, perhaps, I too could meet such a simple, breezy end.
This whole topic brings me to another topic, romance. (be patient)....There's something about running that paints all things, even morbid ones, like death, with a romantic stroke. Perhaps it's all the time spent alone with one's thoughts. Or better yet, perhaps it's all the time spent alone with one's imagination that has allowed my imagination to run rampant. Whatever it is, every aspect of my life is colored with this tint of romantic gravity, all loosely connected to running. I just came to the realization today, as I drove to work, listening to my running mix on top volume, and pretty much aching to be running more than the 2 measly miles I was able to squeeze in, that I pretty much live in my imagination, and, more importantly, that my imagination is very powerful. How else does any runner get through grueling daily training runs without reliving the finish in one's head?
Little over a year ago, I went with my 8 year-old daughter to the Arlington Cinema Draft House in Arlington, VA to see a movie called, Run Free, the hero of the documentary film, Caballo Blanco, was an ultra-runner legend, goes off on a routine run one day and dies on the trails. He is found by his friends days later and brought back to town to be buried. As sad as this was, after seeing my grandma live through several years of blindness, deafness, and being almost completely immobile for the last year or more, I feel Caballo's passing was actually quite forgiving and much more welcoming than my grandma's passing. So it's not really about controlling when, or how really, yet, I would like to think that if I continued to run into old age, as he did, perhaps, I too could meet such a simple, breezy end.
This whole topic brings me to another topic, romance. (be patient)....There's something about running that paints all things, even morbid ones, like death, with a romantic stroke. Perhaps it's all the time spent alone with one's thoughts. Or better yet, perhaps it's all the time spent alone with one's imagination that has allowed my imagination to run rampant. Whatever it is, every aspect of my life is colored with this tint of romantic gravity, all loosely connected to running. I just came to the realization today, as I drove to work, listening to my running mix on top volume, and pretty much aching to be running more than the 2 measly miles I was able to squeeze in, that I pretty much live in my imagination, and, more importantly, that my imagination is very powerful. How else does any runner get through grueling daily training runs without reliving the finish in one's head?
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Two weeks from marathon
I am two weeks from MCM and my confidence is shot and my mood is foul. I'm not sure why I feel this way really. Being a practicing buddhist and a runner has taught me to just learn to sit with the emotions as they come, and allow them to come and go naturally without a rush. Therefore, instead of fighting them or trying to get rid of them, for the past few days I've been low and watching these feelings come and go. Most likely my hormones are going crazy, but I can't be , seeing as I have not been to a doctor (nor will I be going). Yet, for someone like me, who is normally super busy with always something going on, one would ever see it or recognize that these things are going on in me. But, this week HAS been super tough, getting up at 4 or 5am and making myself go running, or going to the gym or even feeling good about my second 20 miler in 8 days, which SHOULD be a no-brainer. I'm not saying I'm not proud of this run. I do feel proud that I was able to finish a second 20 miler in 8 days, something I have not done for my other marathons, ever! But, a large part of me feels somewhat numb overall. Of course, I did a gratuitous 20-miler (19.5 actually) and I should be feeling quite awesome indeed, but nope, I'm struggling to celebrate, or even feel generally good at all. Again, it might be my hormones going crazy. When no real reasons exist for one's negative feelings, it's most likely hormones and I have to simply ignore and/or distrust my thoughts for some time. Nevertheless, knowing the WHY does not necessarily solve it. I have been quite a witch lately. It's not easy for my family to experience me in this mood.
About the run, this was a fairly easy run. Having already done my initial 20-miler I had a lot less pressure for this run. I did run a very easy 17 miles and then I hit the trails where there was gravel. Oh, I don't like gravel at all. My ankles have a really hard time adjusting to the unevenness of it and I ended up walking most of the remaining miles. I did beat myself up over it for the entire 3 miles but was not about to make it up at all, I was spent and I was D.O.N.E. But what a gorgeous fall day it turned out to be Sunday and it was all mine! I did not see even one human being either running or walking until hour 3 of my run. So you see, the streets did belong to me from 5am to almost 8am!
I LOOOOVE seeing funny things on my runs.....looks like someone emptied the entire contents of their oven on the sidewalk.....As much as I hate to see liter and litterers this was quite amusing.....
Sunday, October 9, 2016
20 miles baby!!
I love rain.....I love running in the rain. Unfortunately, it only rained ever so lightly and ended within the first hour. What was most shocking is that I did not see another walking person or even a runner until about mile 9.
I don't think of myself as competitive until a streak of competitiveness sneaks out and takes a hold of me. Then I know I am as competitive as they come, I just pretend not to be. As I approached an intersection an older man and a very young woman entered the path in front of me and were doing a faster pace than me for some time. Every time I'd look up they were further and further forward. In situations like these I always make a mental note to run my own run and not to worry about others' pace. After about 10 minutes I look up and the young woman is walking. The older man is motioning with his hands trying to get her to start back up. She starts back up but by the time she does I am only a few dozen yards behind and quickly pass them both. Wow, this is new to me...passing someone, and more importantly, passing a woman half my age. It did bring a small smile to my face.
I saw a fox for the third time in my life. Its gait is a bit like it's confused and at one point it started walking towards me....In a split second I decided the mace would not work, too windy. The whistle would not work, it would wake everyone up where I was running. So instead, I just made crazy motions with my arms and off it went. That was easy.
I did find a pair of keys. I picked them up and ran with them, then thought I should drop them at anyone's driveway and surely they'd find the owner. About half a block later I change my mind. Nope, this was an accidental find by me and seeing as I believe very strongly that there are no such things as accidents I felt it my job to find the owner of these keys. I was too lazy to stop and place them in the back of my hydration pack so in my hands they sat for about 7-8 miles. This might be the work of a guardian angel and I am a person they thought would do the job, and not stop until I find the owner, so I will do just that.
17 miles behind me.....3 to go......I'm going to do this!
I posted this picture on my Facebook, and only later did I see the big huge pile of salt on my left temple. For the past 4 long runs I have stopped taking any kind of food on my long runs. I was famished by mile 13, but then I forgot all about it and was fine with water and S-caps the whole way.
My feet were particularly in pain so I decided to dip them in icy water for 8-10 seconds at a time. It did help quite a bit. What also helped was staying in bed for about 2 hours after the run.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Week eight done baby!!
I did it. 14 miles and my pace was MUCH better than last week's long run. I ran into this little guy on mile 4. Must have fallen yesterday when it was super windy.
I had a huge goal for this run...First, it was originally a run meant for yesterday but because I chose to do a very hard speed-run Wednesday I was still sore from the effort and since this run I wanted to meet a speed goal I could not afford to be sore at all. So I waited an extra day but then stupidly forgot to not overdo it and volunteered for my son's travel team and helped weed for an hour. This was a whole hour, bent over pulling stubborn weeds and beating wet dirt off heavy roots on the baseball field, and oh did I feel it this morning, especially on my back. So you see, this was not going to be a good morning. The other obstacle was my time. Last week my time was so bad that if I continued this way I knew I'd be pulled off the course at the MCM if I continued running this slow. Needless to say I needed to bust a move on this run to at least meet 14mm, or close to it....seeing that I still have 8 weeks to perfect my run.
I got to midpoint and stopped my watch and what was my speed? 14mm.....now this is still very slow for most people, but, seeing as last week I was way slower, this was fantastic. I almost broke out crying right there. The time for the last 7 miles was a bit slower but not significantly, so I am super excited. Now all I have to do is work on my speed during the shorter weekday runs. So far improvements are happening and things are heading the right direction.
My friend Jenna texted me an image of herself doing a headstand and it was sent at JUST the right moment. I so needed encouragement at mile 8 and 9...we texted for a bit. Another encouraging scary happened at mile 13. I see a woman with a hydration belt running towards me, she smiles as she approaches and I gave her a high five....a high five....I have ALWAYS wanted to do this but always felt too shy, too conflicted about how it would be perceived....but this time, it felt very natural and her hands went up and away she went past me...very cool!
Like every long run, there is ALWAYS some kind of adventure. at mile 13.90 I am sprinting to the finish and a chihuahua comes out at me on the street. I could not just leave it there to potentially get run over so I start looking around for its owner. He won't just come up to me, but kept barking and growling in the cutest way. Even the scanty hairs on its back was up, I had to laugh and take a picture. Finally, the owner saw her from her yard and came out to retrieve the dog. Mission accomplished. I ran the last .10 and stretched against my car as I always do after any run....so nice to be back home.
This is a happy face....
Saturday, September 3, 2016
Can I talk to you about something?-----a runner's dilemma
What's hardest about being in loooooove with all things to do with running is the sheer inability to just break out and talk about running with....well, most people....it's pretty torturous holding in the desire to just hear myself and others talking about my most favorite subject. Sadly, one can't just naturally break into conversation about running and have it sound seamless or NORMAL.......most people hear the word 'running' and they go on directly to tell you about how the sport has messed up their knees or about how they use to do track.....many, many decades ago. When the word "knees" come into the same conversation as the topic of "running" you know the conversation is going straight to an undesirable direction.
Lately, I have been feeding my need to run-cialize by directly going into the Facebook page called Women's Running Network and just immersing myself in the many, many questions and comments that have all to do about running and that are constantly being refreshed....WRN is a site with questions and conversations, pictures and memes about paces, routes, sneakers, gear, chafing, races, etc; it's quite fun. But you know what? every once in a while it would just be nice to converse, face-to-face, with a human being about running...unfortunately, I do not like running with others, rendering that perfect golden opportunity null. (Truth is, I would rather stick a needle in my eye than run with others. )I would not trade my alone, peaceful, before-sunrise runs for anything. I already hate small talk on its own, also, every run I've ever had with others has felt just like that, like a forced, long and torturous exercise in small talk after small talk after small talk, no thanks!
I guess this is where this blog comes in. Simply seeing that others are reading what I share in these pages and clicking on from countries all over the world makes me feel a sense of connection with all runners and the larger running community. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.
Lately, I have been feeding my need to run-cialize by directly going into the Facebook page called Women's Running Network and just immersing myself in the many, many questions and comments that have all to do about running and that are constantly being refreshed....WRN is a site with questions and conversations, pictures and memes about paces, routes, sneakers, gear, chafing, races, etc; it's quite fun. But you know what? every once in a while it would just be nice to converse, face-to-face, with a human being about running...unfortunately, I do not like running with others, rendering that perfect golden opportunity null. (Truth is, I would rather stick a needle in my eye than run with others. )I would not trade my alone, peaceful, before-sunrise runs for anything. I already hate small talk on its own, also, every run I've ever had with others has felt just like that, like a forced, long and torturous exercise in small talk after small talk after small talk, no thanks!
I guess this is where this blog comes in. Simply seeing that others are reading what I share in these pages and clicking on from countries all over the world makes me feel a sense of connection with all runners and the larger running community. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
I run my own race.....I don't want to race you.....
All that aside, there are some runners out there who fail to see the endless array of possible ways in which people might relate to running, aside from just "speed". Some of these more nearsighted runners seem to think we all have similar goals and dreams when it comes to running. For example, I have encountered a few runners these past 2 years whose initial response to knowing my obsession with running is putting up an immediate competitive front; they might bring up times and even go as far as labeling certain finish times as "fast", or "slow", or ask if you "jog" or run?
You can tell you are dealing with an overzealous, competitive runner in 3 ways. One, the runner will often not ask you any personal questions about your own running experience EVER, such as why you started running, what you get out of it, etc. This is simply because they assume they already know this information about you. Two, the runner will immediately bring up times, paces, past races, number of races and you will immediately know by what they say, what they think is "fast" or "slow". Three, you might not feel so good after talking to them.
To this day I am not quite sure what to do with these types of runners. I have never pretended to be fast so I could care less if you are faster. How does one go about telling an overzealous runner you are not interested in stealing their show?
Thursday, January 23, 2014
The Run- The Daily Triumph
Running, in part, is so exciting because it's very much like a mini battle, in which you win every time you complete the run. When done, I'm all smiles and beaming for hours later. The struggles of each particular run is soon forgotten for the afterglow felt at the end takes all that away and makes it vanish. The sheer glee experienced from a task accomplished glosses over any discomforts felt during that run, the burn, the breathlessness, the restlessness, gone! Therefore, it's no surprise I define this feeling after each run as a 'triumph'......my daily dose of triumph.
I use to have a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Running is cheaper than therapy" and I truly feel that running is only cheaper, but also much, much better than therapy, or drugs, or anything else one might think up to fix our everyday issues. As someone who has bordered depression all her life, I can attest to the amazing, long-lasting change in mood brought about by simply running regularly, being outdoors, and being alone with my thoughts while running and being outdoors.
For this reason alone I feel a huge sense of comraderie towards other runners. I feel like this one simple, common, yet powerful thread of running, is so strong, so right, so precise in its impact, that once I know someone is a runner I not only trust them without question, but I also feel I know them already.
Every day I go out for a run I feel so proud to have this one amazing thing in my life that has brought me so much in so many levels. I feel blessed to be able to move, to learn from my body, to push my limits and to hopefully inspire others to do the same. Now I need to head home to make dinner and then go out to get my DAILY TRIUMPH.
I use to have a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Running is cheaper than therapy" and I truly feel that running is only cheaper, but also much, much better than therapy, or drugs, or anything else one might think up to fix our everyday issues. As someone who has bordered depression all her life, I can attest to the amazing, long-lasting change in mood brought about by simply running regularly, being outdoors, and being alone with my thoughts while running and being outdoors.
For this reason alone I feel a huge sense of comraderie towards other runners. I feel like this one simple, common, yet powerful thread of running, is so strong, so right, so precise in its impact, that once I know someone is a runner I not only trust them without question, but I also feel I know them already.
Every day I go out for a run I feel so proud to have this one amazing thing in my life that has brought me so much in so many levels. I feel blessed to be able to move, to learn from my body, to push my limits and to hopefully inspire others to do the same. Now I need to head home to make dinner and then go out to get my DAILY TRIUMPH.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Lessons from the jiggling ass...
I was at mile 4.5 of my 5-mile run and every time I passed someone on my path I could not stop thinking about the fact that every part of my body was probably jiggling as I ran past these strangers and wondered what my big bouncing ass must look like to them. It's slightly funny but also somewhat a very serious subject to all women. Although most of my body has tightened up quite a bit during this two years of running, I find myself still having to shove these annoying insecurities right back from the dark hole from where they came, during each and every run.
I could easily do what most people seem to do when they feel insecure about their rear, they cover it up with a fun running skirt, or with long shirt. But a stubborn part of me does not feel like covering anything up, and wouldn't that communicate to me that I feel shame in my body. After all the respect I've grown to feel over my body after running the 50k, then the marathon, there is no way in hell I would act in any way that would communicate shame to myself.
Yet still, the insecure feelings persist, each and every run comes with its own set of mental battle. But I think running in daylight, and letting my body freely jiggle without a care as I pump forward with power, strength and pride has a bigger, very important purpose. I am a regular sized woman running, and in simply doing that I claim strength, pride and power as something inherently mine. In doing so I allow other women, just like me to also feel the same sense of entitlement regardless of their body type, or size. As I chug along with head held high, claiming my streets, my body as mine, my power I am saying, "Girl, you too could feel strong, free, and shameless in your beautiful gift of a body."
I could easily do what most people seem to do when they feel insecure about their rear, they cover it up with a fun running skirt, or with long shirt. But a stubborn part of me does not feel like covering anything up, and wouldn't that communicate to me that I feel shame in my body. After all the respect I've grown to feel over my body after running the 50k, then the marathon, there is no way in hell I would act in any way that would communicate shame to myself.
Yet still, the insecure feelings persist, each and every run comes with its own set of mental battle. But I think running in daylight, and letting my body freely jiggle without a care as I pump forward with power, strength and pride has a bigger, very important purpose. I am a regular sized woman running, and in simply doing that I claim strength, pride and power as something inherently mine. In doing so I allow other women, just like me to also feel the same sense of entitlement regardless of their body type, or size. As I chug along with head held high, claiming my streets, my body as mine, my power I am saying, "Girl, you too could feel strong, free, and shameless in your beautiful gift of a body."
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Running Makes Me a Better Listener
I absolutely LOVE talking about running. Anytime anyone, even a stranger, asks me about my running obsession, I feel myself get so excited I could burst. Literally, I could go on and on and on the minute someone inquires.
On the one hand, I am somewhat lucky to already be married to someone who also plans on being a life-long runner. Therefore, I can at least get most of my 'run-talk' out of my system with him and for that I am so, so grateful. We can talk splits, pace, share silly stories from our runs and even share a tacit understanding of each others' need to even run daily. Yet, most other people in my life, no matter how much they may love me, could barely feign interest in my beloved obsession, and THAT is totally okay. This is not a 'gripe post' at all. It's not like me to even worry about what others do or don't do.
But, something wonderful has come out of this unfulfilled need I have. In noticing my own need to verbally burst forward with my running adventures gives me insights on how to perhaps be more compassionate towards people who may also have their own subject they love to talk about. Understanding my own crazy need to talk about my own running passion allows me to be more aware and compassionate towards others' possible obsessions. I see my role as being the one who provides others the space and the time in which they could open and be themselves. I have come to learn that people's experience of one another is valued largely based on how well you allow another to share their story.
On the one hand, I am somewhat lucky to already be married to someone who also plans on being a life-long runner. Therefore, I can at least get most of my 'run-talk' out of my system with him and for that I am so, so grateful. We can talk splits, pace, share silly stories from our runs and even share a tacit understanding of each others' need to even run daily. Yet, most other people in my life, no matter how much they may love me, could barely feign interest in my beloved obsession, and THAT is totally okay. This is not a 'gripe post' at all. It's not like me to even worry about what others do or don't do.
But, something wonderful has come out of this unfulfilled need I have. In noticing my own need to verbally burst forward with my running adventures gives me insights on how to perhaps be more compassionate towards people who may also have their own subject they love to talk about. Understanding my own crazy need to talk about my own running passion allows me to be more aware and compassionate towards others' possible obsessions. I see my role as being the one who provides others the space and the time in which they could open and be themselves. I have come to learn that people's experience of one another is valued largely based on how well you allow another to share their story.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
#RUNCHAT and #MARATHON Tweets....
If you have not yet discovered the amazing running community on TWITTER I suggest you try it out....
Get an account and start searching for tweets about running. Scroll a few posts down to see the hashtags (#) that will help you find the runners. Hasgtags (#) placed in front of a word may help you find the right people.
Join #runchat on Sunday. You could win @Zensah compression socks. Details here: http://bit.ly/052613rc Retweeted 5 times
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Running Twitter Hashtags
Running hashtags. Anyone ever used one of these? which one do you think is most popular? Most used?
#running
#iloverunning
#running
#marathon-training
#foamrolling
#runnerd
#fitblog
#runblog#iloverunning
#whyirun
#runningtips
#trichat
#motherrunners
#motherrunner
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Are YOU a runner? Tell me all about it....!!!
I am very curious about other runners. In all settings I am always super aware of spotting other runners. Usually, and lucky for me, they are pretty easy to spot. Either they are wearing something that tells me they too run, such as a race shirt or a running watch and instantly I have all these questions that I am dying to ask them. How often do you run?, do you run races?, do you cross train? what running books have you read?. I try to contain my excitement, yet, it's somewhat amusing just how excited I get every time I meet another runner, the kinship I feel to the community in general is very strong. Lucky for me, most runners are also JUST as eager to talk on and on and on about running, so it's not like I come across like a crazy lady to them.....Meeting other runners and talking to them about running saves non-runners from being subjected endless chatter on my end about my running obsessions. I heard somewhere it's a bit rude to just come out and fill every conversation with a non-runner with your running narratives, but in conversations other runners this rule is null and void. It's not like it's fun to talk to non-runners about running anyway. Most running conversations with non-runners will undoubtedly lead to some warning on their part about how unsafe running is for your legs, or about how you get shin-splints and how it ruins your knees. Therefore, I try my best to avoid any run talk with non-runners as much as possible, unless they ask, in which case, I am more than willing to chat away.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Defining One's Relationship with Running
I am in love. I described running to a friend a few days ago as my new baby. It consumes all my free time, my reading time, my projects have all been tossed aside as I explore this new art and learn about all the possible races I could do in the future. But as I come to know more and more about running and what it means to other people, besides me, I find myself feeling a bit jealous that there are so many others that also feel a deep connection to the sport. I first, I felt threatened by this and wondered if perhaps this was not for me, for my relationship with running seemed very different than any other runner. At first, I felt compelled to almost define my relationship with the sport through their eyes and would catch myself getting lost in what they found meaningful or important. This experience, as annoying as it may be to be in this in-between stage, has been quite helpful in forcing to help me further, and more strongly define my own relationship with the sport. In trying to define this relationship, I have had to reflect and figure out what parts of the running world speak to me and what parts do not. For instance, I am not about speed, I am not about following my heart rate religiously, I am not a purist who think the sport is getting 'watered down'. What I do want from running are the long distances, the hours of 'me' time it provides during the weekends in which I can let my mind invent, wonder and imagine. The more and more I define to myself what I love about the sport the more I make it more genuinely mine and the more I value and fee less threatened by other people's intimate relationship with the sport.
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