Independence in relationships.

                        I have come a long way from the young girl who romanticized love, who equated to much caring with true caring, who no matter how much I denied it, ultimately continued to define herself by other's general satisfaction level with me. I had no sense of me, no idea of who I was or what I wanted. Fear was a driving factor in all my relationships. Fear of losing whatever it was I had at the moment made me feel I needed to amp up the intensity and constantly swim uphill to maintain control. God forbid anything changed. 

                    To illustrate the above I will tell you a story. When I was in college I was with someone whom I loved very much. I took excellent care to always be present and caring and wonderful to this person, so much so that I slowly became someone else entirely in trying to keep this person happy and content near me. In turn, this partner too changed due to my suffocating "care". In the end, as you can imagine, I was dumped...but dumped hard! I was told when this happened that I had lost the free spirit that made me so attractive to begin with and I had become too needy, too bossy, too much. Looking back now, I was too suffocating in my care, too maternal, too intense, and too prescriptive in how my needs needed to be met. Looking back, I know all of this mess stemmed from just fear, fear of change, scared of losing whatever was there, no matter how undeveloped or not right for me it was. At that time, of course, I walked away from the relationships completely stung, deeply hurt, and utterly unable to understand how anyone could turn away from such love and care. In this case as in many, love was not enough. In this case, as the character Bob in what about Bob, the movie, the care was the last thing my partner needed, but I was too blind and naive to know that at the time. 

                    Fast forward 20 years later, I totally get it now. Love, as much as we think is the end-all-be-all of everything, does not make a relationship, and sometimes too much of it can even help end many relationships. One OTHER aspect of relationships that is too often widely overlooked when choosing a life partner is (drumroll please....)..... intensity level. Intensity level plays a huge essential part in relationships dynamics. Intensity level, in fact, plays such an integral part in a relationships that within days one can begin to see the trajectory of success or failure of any relationship begin to form based purely on the compatibility of the intensity within the two individuals. Depending on the intensity level in the relationship, partners can either make you feel free and alive or choked, immobile and just wrong. No matter how much we love to be in the company of a loved one, independence is its own reward and if made to choose, freedom is always the most attractive path to all of us seeking general happiness in our futures. 

                     So the questions begs to be asked, "what is the right intensity level?". Intensity levels are very tightly connected  to expectations and demands. Negative issues, as I alluded above, arise mostly when intensity levels do not match. Each participant needs to honor their own needs coupled with practicing "allow". Allow simply means letting others be who they are without pushing our weight around to make our counterparts do things our way, etc. For any successful relationship to work, it's important to know that not all partners can and should ever meet all our needs and/or acquiesce to all our demands but also it's essential to know that not all needs and demands need to be abandoned either. We constantly ask ourselves over and over again, over the course of the relationship forming, what is and is not okay with us personally. Constantly reflecting upon and genuinely honoring and remaining true to our most essential limits will we be assured a life where we get more of what we need and less/none of what we don't. 

                    So now it's my turn. What does a self-sufficient woman who is totally content with the way her life is at the moment need from a relationship? This is where things get tricky.  I have come to learn over the years that most people generally are much more comfortable relating to others when this "other" has a need. It must be some type of universal rule, but it's generally much easier being a friend to someone in need. Makes sense, feels good to be needed. On the other hand, it's much harder to be a friend to someone who is emotionally independent. I was that ultimately all-giving friend once. Most of my female friends consisted of women going through tragedy, drama, or simply pure hell...not sometimes, but always. I was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, putting out other people's fires, placing my needs last always. But It felt like I was making a difference, when in fact I was spinning in one place, never making much progress.  

                  I totally get it now, just like the 20 year-old me getting dumped, I know it stings to not feel needed to come put out fires, yet, now I am looking for a very different type of connection, for a different type of frienships. Therefore, I will rephrase my question here, What does a self-sufficient woman who feels emotionally independent primarily needs from any relationship? Definitely NOT one resembling of a mom to a baby, or of the "lost one" to a "savior", but of true, powerful equals in which both gain from the relationship. I am looking to connect on a higher level. These days quality is worth more to me than quantity. Unlike a 20-year old, who might pride herself on being surrounded by as many friends as possible, I would be perfectly happy with a handful of sane, confident trustworthy confidants any day. 

                    So this year, running-wise, I feel I have gotten wiser and much stronger. I know this body I inhabit so well now. That is a gift from me to me and so my goals are more on the emotional plane. Relationship-wise, I feel satisfied with how my husband and I have grown so close and we relate on levels unmatched by other relationships I've had thus far. He is an honest to goodness true friend to me and I am to him. I don't think I can say anything to him and he'd be surprised, hurt, or closed off to me. He so deeply knows himself; I have utmost respect for all the growth he's helped me achieve. I can only wish to be as emotionally grounded as he is one day.  In addition, I will continue to seek deep and genuine connections with friends and colleagues in which we relate to each other as powerful equals, and with balanced intensity levels that allow us to grow and learn from one another. I will continue to fan the flames of relationships which help me feel powerful, brave and and who acknowledge and value my chosen paths. 
                    

Feeling blessed

             I am feeling very blessed this holiday.  With all the horrible things happening in the world lately, not for one minute do I take for granted all the great gifts I have around me. I have a sweet and caring husband, I have two loving, creative, bright and healthy children. My family is the best. My mom is the sweetest mom and grandma to me and my kids. I enjoy the company of close confidants and keep close relationships with both my siblings and a handful of simply amazing women whom I highly respect and dearly love. 

         As the year comes to an end I am reflecting on what to focus on in the new year. I think I am going to focus on these few things and if I were to attach a 'theme' to these goals I'd say the theme might be called"YES TO ME"

* Trust your instincts, always, first and foremost.
* Say yes to kids' requests for any type of quality time..yes, yes!!
* When angry, pull away, reflect and THEN act......or not.
* Remember to say, "Thank You"....It's such a small thing, but it shows you are paying attention. 
* No matter how much it feels like it sucks initially, early rising is always a HUGE gift 10 minutes later. 
* People's behavioral ugliness does not belong to me, do not carry it.
* Friends are people who want to know about you, are genuinely happy for your successes, comfort you in tough times and generally want to be in your life. Anything less is an acquaintance. 

Now for some quality runnning

                  This new year has brought about some new thoughts about my relationship with running. This past year, I completed four marathons, yet, I finished off the year feeling like all those accomplishments were not enough. I got a bit upset and worried with myself in thinking, "Damn it, Miriam, when will it be enough?". 

               Back when I was single, I dated this man and we'd go out to dinner every single night. Although we were having a blast, soon, my summer babysitting money started to run out at a record speed. I soon realized that the relationship was not sustainable, he could not live without his nightly fancy dinners (where we'd neatly split the bill in half) and I needed to keep my money in the bank; not surprisingly, a breakup soon ensued. In worrying that my love of running might soon also become unsustainable I have decided to focus on improving the quality of my relationship with running this year. Taking a break from piling on the miles, more and more every year, will allow me to focus on other aspects of my running that are more qualitative in nature. Here are some of them....

1. I would like to focus on my diet. I have put on weight since last year and I would like to figure out my diet and perhaps be able to run 2 minutes faster a mile again. 

2. I would like to just explore what it feels like to just have a run. Not one that is part of a "training run", not wake up and think, "I need to do 6 miles today" and chug along the program like a stressed-out zombie. I want to get back to simply enjoying my runs, where I get to let out some steam, feel amazing, see sunsets....you know, running, without all the enormous stress that training adds to the equation. 

3. Practice thinking of myself as a runner. This might seem pretty simple to most, but, although I have run for 2 years now and have completed many running races and feats I still need to "bring the horse to water"and literally convince myself I am a runner daily....yep, on a daily basis. 

4. Explore and enjoy being a Marathon Maniac. I did 3 marathons in 41 days to quality as a MM damn it!!! and now I need to make this project come full circle and actually run some marathons as a Marathon Maniac and experience the camaraderie everyone has been boasting about. Nope, no need to sign up for that 50K quite yet, just a marathon.....

5. Try running on trails again. Trails are tough for a full-time working woman running alone. I'd need to run in daylight, I'd need to run on weekends.....maybe dedicate one run during my weekends to trails....but, oh, those trail runs are so heavenly. 

6. Stretch, use the foam roller, take hot baths.....It's about time I take some time to do some body maintenance and care....I need to take the time to heal my body after tough runs. So many days I just pass out without attending to those painful spots and they only can get worse when ignored. Yes, and go get that message....

7. Find the right running clothes that fit MY body. I am sure I am not the only person who has a cemetery of non-used running clothes in their home. I keep buying running clothes that are total wardrobe malfunctions and not returning them. I KNOW I will feel so much more amazing once I find the running gear that fits my body. Worth investigating, asking, trying things on AT the store and searching for just the right gear. 

                I sometimes forget that I have a whole lifetime to go further distances and reach new challenges. I sometimes forget that, God willing, I fully plan on being one of those elderly people we all see while running, scurrying along in a tight gait, getting her run in 'til I croak. In taking the time NOW to improve my running qualitatively, I will make next year's push for new heights even stronger. 

New Year's Resolution- 2015 Here I Come

* Write in my blog more often
* Get my art resume updated
* Run your own race. 
* Sign up to NYC and Marine Corps Marathon lotteries and Sign up to Rehoboth Marathon and North Face Endurance again! 
* Don't try to fix everyone's problems, let people live out their choices on their own....
* Be more conscious with money PLEASE!
* Find other ways to give gifts that does not require $, bake for them, help them out, cook them a dinner, listen to them....write them
* Trust your first impressions, they are almost always right on target, stop doubting yourself so much
* More morning runs (Please, catch more sunrises this year)
* Continue to floss EVERY day.....(I have bad teeth, okay!)
* Reach out to all people who matter.....stop wasting precious time thinking you have time....we may not
* When with the kids, live in the moment...soak it in. They are only young once. Cuddle with them as much as possible....soon it will be uncool to even cuddle. 
* Assume the best first, always.....going to the worse conclusion first makes me into a bitter person
* Forgive, forgive, forgive....seriously, let go of those unhelpful thoughts and get over the small stuff....forgiveness heals the forgiver
* Be the best and most supportive great-auntie ever!!! woot woot!
* Pray more, pray with my kids, be open about what you pray for ...encourage them pray too.
* On Facebook: no more than 10 minutes a day...live life, don't spend most of it watching others live theirs. 
* Make art daily....it does not have to be the next solo show.....just make art, it makes more happy thoughts, happy moments. 
* Time to close the thought door to some folks who have caused pain in the past, and are still populating my mind...good bye already! 
* Get rid of clothes you do not wear....donate them....gift them away
* Place all art I make, no matter how small, on Etsy....just a year experiment.....let's see what happens...
* Read some of my blog posts to my kids.....I realize they don't know that side of me. 
* Take more family portraits....stop being the photographer always....kids need to see more of mom in the albums. 
* Help kids with their BIG ideas, no matter how silly they seem at first. Encourage their BIG dreams by providing what they need to make it happen....(but don't become the primary driver of them. )
* Be present with kids...get off the damn computer already and be PRESENT!!! 
* With hubby, don't hang things over his head if something did not really bother me.....be unpredictable for once and just let it go. 
* Water.....drink more water.....maybe get a water bottle that works 
* Continue more art playdates with whomever wants to make art AND deal with my kids at same time
* Run without music once in a while....don't be afraid to hear breathing for an hour.
* Let inspirational people inspire you, and if possible, let them know just how much they affect you
* Volunteer with kids....make it count
* When the kids want to do something, make time to do it.....fully
* Write letters.....and send them
* Leave for work on time.....allows you to drive safer
* Kiss kids and hubby every day before work
* Hug kids more.....lots and lots of hugs a day
* Cook better dinners damn it.....how about COOK dinner?
* LISTEN to what is not said....try to listen to all that is being expressed
* Tell each child what they are good at on a social-emotional/ personal level.....(not academics, or club talents)
* Clean up apt. more often so kids can have friends over more. Come up with a sustainable clean-up system
* Invite more people over to dinner