On self-reliance

                    
               The most important thing I have learned from running is self-reliance, not just self-reliance on a physical level, but on a deep  emotional level. One learns self-reliance through running because without constant communication with oneself one could easily hurt oneself. The more one does it the more one becomes intimately connected to ones instincts, one's inner voice, one's thoughts and dreams. 

              Loneliness use to be a horrible thing to fear. God forbid one would be without friends around to validate one's existence; that was me, 10, 15, 20 years ago. Today, I would rather walk alone than alongside anything that devalues me. I have learned over time that no one, not even the ones who LOOK like they have their shit together, actually has their shit together. I believe those online memes that constantly remind us all that, "Everyone, (and I mean absolutely everyone) is fighting a battle we know nothing about." It would be unfair of me to act as if I knew more, or as if I had all the answers. It belittles their fight, their past, their struggles for me to roll along and try to define their life for them.  What makes a person stand up to me is how they deal with their little piece of struggle. Do they work on them openly and honestly? do they hide it and pretend they are not struggling? Do they pick apart others to avoid and deflect their own struggles? 

                With this knowledge that we all struggle I have chosen to bear all my struggles. Not for sympathy, not for advice, not to be fixed, not because I am broken or have not forgiven or not forgotten. I share my struggles openly (on this page and personally) because I think that is the ONLY way I can help others find their way. As someone who herself has never listened to others' advice, I have followed others' examples. Only in living your own path can you teach others....words are extra, not needed....not helpful. Understandably, I navigate towards others who also understand the power of just living out your lessons and gifting the world you through your actions.  BEING surpasses any advice I could give anyone. I fact, I have always have had total distrust of any teacher who flat out MUST tell you who they are...Hey!! if you need to tell anyone who you are, it's then never been clear anyway. To define one's greatness in words says much more about your lack of greatness than anything else. I follow this zen ideal of "eat the Buddha". Once you reach a level of wisdom you lose religion, you have no walls, no dogma, for all these are used to separate you from others. Hence, you "eat the Buddha".  

           With self-reliance comes pride. I take great pride in all the struggles I've been through. They have provided me with invaluable lessons, multiple perspectives, and immense mental and physical fortitude. I know the value of one's past on my own life and therefore I value the stories of others very much. People always surprise me with their stories of strength, conviction. The very best of the human spirit are not found in Godly books, or religious places, they are found in everyday people. I always find it a great honor when anyone inquires about my world, anything from my running, to my struggles to my work. To know what one has been through is to truly understand that soul. It's no surprise that I am surrounded by a handful of amazing women who have survived and succeeded great feats; deep trust is exchanged between us and that is worth 1,000 lesser friends.  
                  

Road to emotional independence

           A friend on facebook who has been suicidal since I knew him over 10 years ago has recently been writing lots of concerning posts on his Facebook page. The posts blame his deep depression on his loneliness and then presses his FB friends for answers as to why he is still alone and has no one to love him. After a few weeks of sporadic people, including myself, coming on his page and trying to give him some advice, the responses from his friends began to slow down. We all soon figured out one thing, that no matter what we said, his mind was made up and a made-up mind is a mind that's built a wall around itself, and no amount of reason can reach such a soul. He was so sure that if life would simply provide him with a life partner, his depression would be fixed, just like that. Sadly, from experience, we don't get to bargain with life. If we are unhappy, a partner might mask the pain for a little bit, but it will not make it go away. We can throw the biggest temper tantrum we can muster at not getting our way in life but nothing will change the trajectory of the world outside ourselves. Life's resolve is much more vast than any tantrum we can imagine, an exhausting fight I have taken on many times in my youth. 


            I can list so many things here that I wish would happen for me, but to focus on them would only make me sink into the same depression he's experiencing. For the past 2 months I have been struggling with so much physically and emotionally but to place my mind on such things make them more real, more palpable, and render me stuck in the muck, the muck of depression. Some may consider this approach non-realistic, or liken it to living a lie...yet, it's very simple....with the switch of a thought you can break through your walls of solidified ideas and  breathe hope and faith into every problem. Let me show you with a few examples....


1. I could think: "I wish I had more friends who liked to listen to me chat about running"----- but instead I think, "I have a huge community of women runners on FB of which I can tap into anytime, and besides, this whole thing is your thing anyway....."


2. I could think: "I wish my hubby would know how to buy me gifts for my birthday"----- but instead I think, "He takes such excellent care of me and the kids daily. Not one day goes by in which the fridge is lacking any of the essentials, he always gets me everything I need to the letter."


3. I could think: "I wish my body could run faster"----- but instead I think, "damn, my overweight, 45-year-old body ran 6 miles today and just a few months back I ran a 50 miler under the cutoff ...what the hell are you feeling bad for? snap out of it girl...what other full-time working mom do you know who runs as much as you?"


4. I could think: "I must look super bubbly in this bikini at the beach ----- but instead I think, "Other woman my size are here too...it's so important that they see me be confident and at home in my body...we all must inspire each other. Most importantly, my daughter is here.....she needs to see mommy loving her body, always!". 



                These are just a few examples to show how one has zero control of anything outside our heads. The world is a place full of its own ideas, its own momentum, its own reasoning and it takes no notice of how we would like or want things to go.... it's our job to disconnect from these harmful ways of thinking and begin choosing healthier thought patterns that provide us with the sanity we seek. There are a million things I wish for on a daily basis but I would be a sucker to think those things will come my way by pure luck or wish....if I want anything it's purely up to me to imagine it into life and make it happen..... The love and attention of friends and family are great, of course, but if you yourself cannot reach some peace between your ears, no one out there can save you, not your husband, not your wife, not your mother or even your best friend.... Running has taught me to trust my self, my body, my intuition and those are some heavy duty gifts there. Running has helped me feel free, emotionally independent and content in my own company. 

What's your story?

             We all do it at some point in our lives, or maybe not. On second thought, some don't, ever! I'm talking about rebuilding ourselves, taking ourselves apart from the way our parents built us, from our pasts and rebuilding ourselves the way our true souls dictate.  Absolute honesty is required for such an endeavor. You see, once you stop telling your story, you notice how most people exist, breathe, depend on their story to feel right. When I say 'stop telling a story' I mean any story we tell ourselves about ourselves to neatly iron away the why's and the hows. Believe it or not we all spend an enormous amount of time on our stories, we neatly, tuck away and package and re-packege the why's so that everything looks right to the observer, so even the embarrassing parts of our story do not embarrass us or make us look a certain undesirable way. The funny part is that people who really love us for the people we are love us despite of our stories. The reason why the narrative about our stories matter is that depending on how we tell it, it defines our every one of our actions. 
         Now back to rebuilding ourselves. Rebuilding ourselves is nothing more than the retelling of our stories without blame, without a second third or fourth character, and without the ego. Let me use a situation to explain this better. My daughter had a very tight-knit plan for her summer, she drew out an intricate schedule and was determined to account for every hour, etc. I was way too busy finishing up school that week so I did not really pay attention to the intensity of this schedule. Day one of summer vacation came and she failed to get up at 5am as she had planned and not only does she cry about this for half an hour but she also blames me for not getting up and going with her at the time she had determined. Immediately, I had to set her straight. I explained that her plan for her improvement cannot ever include anyone else. Yes, you can get assistance, but you cannot depend all the time on an external entity for your workouts. Retell the story of your exercise routine without the dependence on another to walk you through the process and you will have a lot more success overall. 
                 One technique I have used for helping me retell my story right has been not using mirrors. I know, sounds crazy, right?. But let me explain. As women we have all grown up with the idea of how we are seen, how we are perceived. Adults in our lives surely were no help here. I think the last time I felt truly free of this was at age 7. I was running around topless playing with the boys. It ended that day because my grandma, without meaning to, made me feel self-conscious of what others may think. To most women, mirrors exist to remind us about how we look to others. In avoiding them, and not obsessively, one gets to start taking seat again, inside oneself. I want the way I move, walk, sit, talk to represent the person I am inside, no filters, no softening, no cute-fying, none of those extra "softeners" we females tend to add on to the ways we act so that others may like us more. In avoiding the messages I get from the outer world I hope to better connect with me, the imperfect, unrehearsed and genuine me. 
               So now that I feel I have slowly rebuilt myself, who is this imperfect, unrehearsed and genuine Miriam? Here you go. I tried my best to represent myself in one paragraph. I am proudly self-dependent. You will rarely hear me complaining and whining, and if you do, not for long. I have a knack for spotting assholes a mile away, yet, I still strongly believe most humans to be amazing and inspiring; everybody you meet has an awe-inspiring story, just like me. I love, love, love a good challenge and I play to win. I find jealously to be one of the most vile characteristics and work hard to never go there. I am drawn to stories of human will and actively seek them out weekly to keep me inspired.  My imagination is my highest form of entertainment; I am absolutely NEVER bored, ever.  I love being by myself and with people equally. I trust 100% in people's ability to fix themselves. Yes, of course, we can all support each other, but ultimately, one has got to want something enough to make a change, key words here being, "want" and "one".  Life is too short for drama, small talk, gossip, stupid pleasantries and long-drawn-out grudges. I am quick to argue but also quick to forgive and genuinely apologize when I've wronged. 
           So there, that is me, in a paragraph... I have built this me on my own, through lots of trials and tribulations. You begin by questioning your upbringing, questioning your default story and making sure it's all genuine to all parts of you. Your story should allow you to exhale, loosen up, relax and generally be happy, at best, content. I still have tons of work to do, but if you feel less resistance, less stress, less drama in your life, that should be a sign that your new path is working for you. My final aim is carrying a story of no story. Shedding all my identifiers and my baggage daily and simply being me, clear and weightless in every interaction, every decision. 

My run...

       You've gotta find the beauty in every run. You might start out with one goal and the world throws a curve ball...but if you pay attention this curve ball might be a gift. I am beginning to think that all of life's curve balls are gifts.  

      A huge part of my spiritual practice has been practicing allow. Allowing things to unfold as they will, allowing people who don't act the way I think they should to act to act as they please. Allowing people to show me their love their way and not pout or manipulate to force them to show me love my way. I practice it so much so that now I find myself simply fading in the background in most social situations. I have found that most socializing is 80% trying to get others to listen to our ideas, to get others to follow your way, convincing, cajoling.....and since I don't prescribe in those tactics, by default, I get to be on the listening end of most social interactions.

      In the book Shabhalah, The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chöngyam Trungpa Rinpoche, he teaches about basic goodness and how everyone should rest in the fact that they have basic goodness in them and therefore there is no need to run around with so much song and dance trying to get everyone to love us, or approve of us, or validate us. The knowledge that we, and we alone, are enough without all the extras makes us relax and become less frantic, less needy, less intense. 

    Life has been throwing me lots of curve balls lately, and yes, I feel a bit rattled, but not shaken to the core. I am slightly tense but know I can take on the challenges ahead just fine. So no, nothing ever goes according to plans, and no, no one ever behaves as you'd like them to in your head, and that is totally okay. Not my job to change the world out there, but it is my job to change me in reaction to the world. It's a subtle difference but upon closer inspection, it's actually a monumental one. I have the choice all along, the choice to engage or not engage anything that comes my way. As Byron Katie says in her book, Love What Is, she claims that "defensiveness is the first act of war." Defensiveness is therefore a choice.  In being empowered to engage or not engage, in knowing we have a choice, we can then purposely choose a path that will best suit our heart. I choose love, I choose peace, I choose non-ego responses to all stressful situations. War can take place out there but I am not letting any negativity in the gate to my heart. 

Becoming a renaissance woman

               They call Maya Angelou a renaissance woman. She lived with such joy that anyone in her presence got to feel her joy. I want to be that, not for the sake of others, although that would not be a bad bonus. But I want to exude that presence. The only way to reach those heights, as Dr. Angelou did is to become so self-aware, so fearless that every moment is filled with love, presence and a wish to give. 

           I feel like I am ever-so-slowly becoming a renaissance woman. I have noticed that the more beauty, books, poetry, and wisdom I soak in from the outside world the more I become seated in my own self, and like who I find in my place. I am aware of these changes when I read my early writings about faking confidence  (until you make it), at the gym, for example. But now the confidence is just part of me as are my eyes, or my arms, or my legs. 

             Self-confidence, or lack-there of is no longer something I need to be aware of. I know this because not long ago I would always have a mental list of things about me I did not like so much and when talking to anyone. I did not like my forehead, or I felt my face looked less attractive from a certain view. I would always be aware of these shortcomings and secretly held them at the center of each interaction, overshadowing the interaction. These mental musings are not there anymore, ever, and those changes allow me to be more present, more clear and overall more joyful in each moment. 

Beautiful Life----

                         My physical therapist was very interested in my running and asked several questions not usual for doctors, but he was very friendly so I obliged. The two questions I remember were, "Do you get obsessed with things a lot?" and "Do you kids have the same level of energy as you do?". Oh, and I just remember one more, "What does your husband think of all your running." Each question was answered clearly, but each question revealed more about him than me. The more I get into my world of running the more I forget how much a visual disconnect my presentation must be to a casual observer. Here I am, a middle-aged woman with some extra weight on her claiming she ran for 8 hours, while injured with an upper back injury no less. I have long ago dropped the wonderings of whether or not I am believed so it took a bit to fully grasp why all the questions. I answered each question with a smile and quiet joy. 

               Today I covered 16 miles. I have decided to do another 16 miles tomorrow night in order to do a back-to-back run. I felt very stiff before the run, warmed up by mile 3 and at mile 13 I was so excited to almost be done that I ran faster than the first 12 miles. Next week I will try two 20's in a row and one more weeks of that and I will be ready for this 50.....at least mentally I will be ready. 

                I heard an Oprah interview with Amy Purdy and my life changed. A few takeaways from the interview that will stay with me forever. When she clinically died the Spirit told her to not be afraid and that it will all make sense in the end. I have been through a lot in my life and these two messages make me fear future tribulations less, but also make me think that all I've been through is part of the bigger picture. A lot of learning lately it seems. I have also been reading Maya Angelou's last published book, Mom & Me and Mom. As the author has shown in her story, LOVE is the most powerful energy we have. Love can make anything possible; all one has to do is read her life story to know just how powerful and life-changing LOVE has been in her life. 

                 

                  Right now I am listening to an library-borrowed audiobook of Tom Sawyer. Both children fully enjoying the story and it tickles me to see them chuckle loudly at parts of the story. 

Grateful for the little aches and pains

                      We were driving to my sister-in-law's house to stay there for a few days for the holidays and I kept being distracted by the tightness on my back as I drove. The day before I had done weights again for the first time in weeks and my body was complaining. We were staying at my mom's and hubby and I had gone to use the gym near her house. But I don't ever mind my body's tightness after a run, or aches after a hard workout. It says that my body is working and that pain and discomfort are a sign that my body working hard to repair and strengthen those muscles I overworked the day before. More poignant, the pain and discomfort  also means I am alive, that I did something, that I got out. That is exactly why I names my Instagram account "Igettorun" because that is how I feel about it. The enormous gratefulness I feel by the fact that I GET TO move my legs, I get to move through the world, prancing around, like some young buck is a most wonderful, amazing gift. 

Alone, but never lonely

           I would rather be alone 100 times than be in with the wrong friends. This was not always the case with me; I use to want to be part of the crowd at all costs, despite characters involved, despite conversations that occur, in fact; nothing was more important to me than making sure I did not feel lonely. Back then, any friend was a good friend. Then, something curious happened, something quite liberating and empowering.... I started liking my own presence, a lot! I know this change has to do with the many hours I spend running on the weekends, alone, pepping myself to keep moving. Despite the pain and discomfort, these pep talks while running made me start liking this person who lives inside, I was essentially rooting for myself. Another 'side affects' of liking the person inside has been valuing time a lot more, and not seeking the company of just anybody. I have come to learn that some people, despite their proximity, can make one feel lonely.

          In long distance running you have to constantly check your body for pain, discomfort. Even the smallest twitch can mean something catastrophic in a few miles, therefore, you learn to really listen to your body's signals. You listen to your heart, your pain, your comfort level and any sign that may arise and immediately you make decisions, on the spot, that relate to these body signs. This form of intense listening has obviously now extended beyond my training and has applied itself to other aspects of my life. Also, as in running, comfort is now my ultimate goal every social situation. If something does not feel right in my heart, in my gut, I simply move away, no excuses needed, no apologies. I cannot express enough how liberating this has been for me. I say liberating because being accommodating at all costs had its price and it was exhausting. Liberating because I no longer exhaust myself. Now that the craziness has dropped away I can better see that love is, in fact, all around me, constantly filling me, providing for me in every way, even if I might not feel this at all times. 

        I hope to teach my children these lessons if not directly, then through osmosis. I hope they learn that being alone does not mean lonely. This is one of the best lessons a child can carry with them into adulthood, it allows you to be brave, stick to your convictions and to not compromise your ideals. I'd love for my kids to learn the idea that your body will always be much more honest than your mind and to therefore to follow it without question; those mammalian instincts are millions of years old, trust them. Trusting one's instincts and moving away from a hurtful friend or lover is a decisive, clear and definitive way of saying a big fat no to pain and suffering. I'd also love my kids to know that cultivating friendships that make you feel loved, wanted and cared for are worth their weight in gold and that they are worth good, solid friendships. Two great rules of thumb when it comes to relationships is, one, if you feel lonely in someone's presence, it's not for you.... run! Two, your body will always tell you when it's not right. 

         I feel so incredibly blessed. Love IS, in fact, all around me at all times. Love comes daily in the form of an unexpected hug, a warm text, a friendly gesture, a 'thank you', even a smile from a stranger can remind me of the love all around me. I have come a long way and I feel a tremendous sense of pride at all the work I've done to get here. Where a shy, apologetic and meek woman use to be now stands a confident, non-apologetic, brave, and fearless woman. Bring it. 


     
         

Powerful beyond measure

                            On a newly minted 2017-2018 paper calendar, I penciled in all my required training miles for both my fall marathons and the ultra in March of next year. After completing the task, which took an hour or more, frankly, I am not sure about this. The back, to back, to back long runs are quite daunting to the mind and I am afraid of getting to those later months and feeling completely overwhelmed and not accomplishing the task I set out to do. But, after having lived this process in training for past marathons, I know that is only fear speaking, and sometimes fear is way too cautious, for fear can literally choke the life out of you. 

                             In trying to come up with ways to tackle this feeling of enormity and overwhelming sense of dread, I know, deep inside that all I need to do, on any given day, is attack that day, accomplish those day miles and continue to put my 'nose to the grind each and every day. The minute I add up the weekly miles in my head or think about the actual distance of a, say,  a 30 miler and a 15 back-to-back, I shudder. But that keeps me focused is that I want this! I want this so much. Deep inside I know that what will make this possible for me (or not) will be the way I think about it. In running long races, more than any other activity I know of, one needs to be really aware of the consequences, if you may, ones' thoughts. Yes, training is important, it's half the preparation. Yet, where my mind is at is JUST as important. My thinking could make this happen, or could make it unravel faster than I can run a mile. I know now that within me, and within the contents of my thoughts, lie all the strength I need to make this race happen. Like the famous Marianne Williamson quote says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."  

                            I AM powerful beyond measure. But it's not just me that is powerful, everyone I meet is powerful beyond measure. It saddens me when I meet someone and the first thing they tell me when they know I run far is, "I could never do that". Words are so incredibly powerful, that in that statement alone they instantly strip away their own power. In that instant they are totally right, they could never do that. But not because they can't, but because they believe they can't. Beliefs are powerful things. They can tie us down or liberate us. They can cause great suffering or heal. I know a woman who is in an abusive marriage for almost two decades now. Kids have grown and gone, she has a good job to be able to financially support herself, but still, she remains, tied to this horrible man. To all of us looking at her life from the outside we can clearly see that she could leave at any moment, but to her, she is solidly bound to this jerk and sees no way out. 

                          Clearly, I have a lot of work to do. Getting my mind to believe that this is possible is what I am working on right now. To get myself there I am reading lots of testimonials from first time 50 mile runners, listening to ultra running podcasts, and getting as much sleep, relaxation and rest as I can when I am not running. Once the miles begin piling up and I get stronger I will feel even more confident. In the meantime, one run at a time. 

                          

Getting mentally ready.....just as important

                     It took me talking about my 50-miler with another runner to make me realize that I am scared shit-less about it and that I do not yet have my thoughts in the right place when it comes to this race. The minute it was brought up in conversation I noticed my breath become shorter and more stiff and I needed to suck in extra air so as to breathe. But scared shit-less does not mean you tuck your tail between your legs and run, it never means that, in fact, it's a call to do JUST the opposite, a call to action, a call to face your deepest, darkest fears valiantly or die doing it. Okay, okay, I don't want to die doing it, but I am approaching this as if it were an offshoot of Odysseus's journey. To me it's an epic adventure in which at the end I find something amazing. 

                     So what would it take to feel it in my bones that yes,  I could do this? In the marathon it took me doing one or two 20-milers to get my mind thinking that maybe, just maybe I can complete this 26.2 mile distance and not, say, die or faint from the pain. For a 50 miler, obviously, I'd have to complete a 30 or even a 35-miler in order to in my heart know that it is possible. But in this case I feel that I would also need something more, something from my heart. The more I read about completing a 50-miler from various online sources, the more I learn that it's not whether things will go wrong, but that when things DO go downhill (because things WILL go downhill) that I will have the wherewithal to keep myself moving forward. 

                     When I completed my first ever long race, the 50K race back in 2013 I did fall apart. A wonderful man, The man the race hired to be the "sweeper" in fact, and whose name I regrettably forgot, helped me mentally cross the finish line. He encouraged me to keep going when I no longer thought I could and distracted me with his friendly company for at least the last 6 miles for the race. Had it not been for him I would have surely not finished and certainly not within the cut-off. In a similar situation, at the last marathon I ran, the Marine Corps Marathon, I helped another runner in quite the same way and now we are close buddies on social media. I think the fear of this race stems from worrying about my mental state at the last 10, 12 miles and wondering if I will perhaps need the help of another 'guardian angel'. I can take care of being physically ready for the race for sure. I will show up on race day and be ready with my many miles under my belt. But seeing as I cannot fathom where my mind will be many miles and hours later I will just have to trust that my heart resolve is strong enough to get me through, and if not, I will also trust that the Universe will provide what I need at that time, whether that is a buddy or a helping hand, or maybe even ice cold soda! 

              We all know how we prepare our bodies to run a long race, but how do YOU prepare mentally for a race? Please comment below. Thanks!!

                        
                

TO SHARE OR NOT TO SHARE - a reflection on social media

        I have not been posting my runs on Facebook as much as used to. In fact, I have not been posting very much of anything on Facebook lately or any other social media forum. If you know me well, you know this is a new thing for me, for I generally post many times a day. But more and more I have not felt the need to share anything, no matter how magical, no matter how special, not on social media or anywhere else. I have found that no matter how special something is one cannot possibly convey this level of "special" with a photo or a quote or both. Second, I also found that sharing any special experience on social media, to a ton of people whom I hardly ever see or connect with personally, cheapens the totality of the experience. 

       Interestingly, I believe this change to be a bigger sign of something greatly positive in my life.  All of the sudden, I don't have this voracious need to see my life reflected back to me via someone else's comments or reflections. All of the sudden, my experience of any given special moment is sufficient enough to fulfill me. That sunrise I experienced is mine, just mine, just as the success of completing that grueling treadmill 14-miler this morning was also all mine, no one else could possibly say anything to make me feel prouder. I did not care, crave or want for others' verbal high-fives. 

       So what does all this mean in the bigger picture? To me, this means I have surely reached a new level of independence in the way I view and value my own personal voice and experience.  As someone who began her life journey as someone who constantly made way, bent-over backwards and accommodated, making way for others' perspectives first and foremost, this change is quite revolutionary. In fact, my first 30 years of life were spent constantly wrought with trying to correctly read, then appease the wrong people. Perhaps there is an invisible common thread here with this issue I brought up earlier, having to do with taking up space and valuing one's own discomfort barometer. Part of showing oneself self-respect is paying attention to one's inner barometer and vocalizing loud and clear when things are not fun, comfortable or pleasant. As a dear friend once excellently pointed out to me, "Normal people have no issues with you setting boundaries." It's only the bullies that push their weight around, pout and punish you for speaking out when not comfortable. 

        So back to Facebook. Suddenly, I don't need or care to share. It's not a bad thing, it's not a good thing. It just is the way it is. Suddenly, only my voice, my perspective, my experience of any given event matters. Not needing external validation for my own thoughts, opinions and feelings is so incredibly liberating, probably because now there is just one voice up there, calling the shots, making decisions. I don't think I will take myself out of Facebook altogether, but I do know something in me has changed and I get very little out of sharing my runs, my thoughts, my special moments with the world. Again, not a bad thing, not a good thing.....just the way things are. 

          
    
                
    

OUR BODIES: Taking up room and societal control

             I have been reflecting a lot lately about body size and how women try so hard to be as diminutive as possible and are always working at getting smaller and smaller and smaller...and in essence, we strive to take up less and less room on this planet and how that very aim strongly shapes how we see ourselves and how we see our roles in the world. 
              
              I have seen and experienced a lot of couples in the past few months and have noticed an interesting trend. The women and men are often drastically different in size. Often, you will see a man 6 foot plus, sometimes even grossly overweight, paired with a woman sized at basically nothing. This may sound like I am making light of it, but I am a visual person, contrast calls to me when I see it. One might think all women strive to be size nothing, yet, in the past 10-12 months I have been exploring what it's like to take up space, like these men, and more importantly trying to see how aiming at taking up space changes my behavior. I have been steadily going to the gym and lifting weights for about a year now and I have had to buy new bras to accommodate for my bigger chest. These new purchases were tough. Buying bigger clothes felt like a failure, it went against everything I have been taught to be as a woman in modern society, in modern society women don't strive to be bigger, that strive to be smaller, so this whole buying experience was not pleasant or easy. Yet, the bigger, more muscular body opened new doors for me in how I interacted with others, in my confidence and even as something as simple as my stance. Suddenly,  despite all I kept hearing, it was okay to feel right in my body and this was so thrilling, so new, so powerful. And if you are a women reading this, we all know how it feels to inhabit our body and yet feel like we are constantly on display for others; that is just how society brought us up to think of ourselves, sadly. 

            So the reflection continues. Daily, I strive to own the space I occupy and own my actions, my movement and drop the self-consciousness we've all grown to carry at all times. I have observed men and how they live free of such constant and caged thoughts and I want a piece of that, I want to be like that. I want to move around my space with confidence and comfort and own every moment, every space.  But as I gain confidence in myself I see how my new-gained demeanor gives off an aura of non-approachability. I now know what my single friend complain about in the current dating world; one in which a confident woman has less chances of finding a partner, for she often scares away potential suitors with an unfamiliar characteristic most men have not been trained to work with, that being confidence. This, reveals an interesting societal chemistry among men and woman, one in which size, confidence and control all play part of the same dance. I am not a number gal, but surely there must exist some universal formula out there in which these three factors all affect each other in fascinating ways, ways we may never clearly know. 

            What I do know though is that I am on the right track to freedom from these societal messages of which we have all been programed. I take up room in so many ways, with my movements, with my body, with my words. I take up room with my movements by running where I want, at whatever times I want, and in whatever weather I please. I take up space with my body by freely chasing my athletic dreams despite not looking like traditional athletes, I take up room in my desires for my life by fanning the flames of my dreams and daily, chiseling towards them. I take up room with my opinions and my words, always fearless and full of conviction, in all actions. 

***Do you feel there is a connection between how we are taught to strive for small and societal control over women overall?
              

Find your song and sing it....

             I once heard this comparison between soccer and golf. How soccer is a group activity that requires very little acreage and can be played anywhere, while golf requires acres and acres of land and how only a few could play on the green at a time, while also being quite expensive, both to play and for the equipment. Well, ladies and gentleman, how about we hold up running next to these two? or  ow about any other sport for that matter. Running, by far, is THE most zen-like sport on earth. You don't need anything to run, you don't need to wear anything special, or even go anywhere special, and apparently, some people don't even need shoes to run. It beats any sport in terms of simplicity. Plus, a bonus, there is ZERO training needed to run, we all essentially know the basics of how to run, it's in our bones. 

         The simplicity of running is not what got me started running, yet, the simplicity of it is what made me continue. As most things often go in life, all one's choices align neatly and predictably with who we really are deep inside. Deep inside, I am a no-frills individual. I wear no make up, I hate getting compliments, I don't ever paint my fingernails OR my toenails, I stay away from flamboyant, over-dramatic people, yet, I highly admire any human who, in the midst of so much modernity, chooses to live life simply. 

             

           The DNA of who you are, your karma, some might say, shines through all your choices. One such choice can be who you marry. Before I met my now husband I had a dream. You see, I believe there are many types of dreams. There are processing dreams, there are worry dreams and then there are predictive dreams. This was a predictive dream. You see, I come from a long tradition of women who believe in dreams, omens (bad and good) and the significance of random signs.....with the same intensity as some follow, say, a religion. So you bet I paid attention to this dream. In the dream, I met a robe-wearing monk whom I got close to and while having coffee with this monk one day he proposed to me. This was no grand proposal either. It was more done in between two sips of coffee. I happily accepted and we lived happily ever after. Shortly after this dream, I met my now husband, he was living in a group house I moved into in Kensington, Maryland when we met. His lifestyle was as ascetic as they come, for these days at least. He ate the same foods every day, oatmeal for breakfast, tuna for lunch, pasta for dinner, oatmeal, tuna, pasta, oatmeal, tuna, pasta, etc. He also ran the same number of miles every day and on the same route. He owned ONE duffel bag in which he kept a few of his belongings and he was calm, fresh, happy and full of interesting things to talk about. But when I met him, I did not know right away this was the man "of my dreams", excuse the pun. He was NOT at all my type, he had long hair, he was much older, zero tattoos, he wore these thick glasses and was thin and lanky. Definitely not my type. I'd even dare say, he also was not at all interested in me; I was most likely not his type either. At the time, I had 8 piercings and wore only black clothes sometimes held together by safety pins. I was also on the rebound from an 8-year relationship, so I was in full-on party mode. I soon learned though, that I loved talking with him. To this day, this is the one human being I could talk to for hours and never tire, he's highly opinionated, witty, funny, wise and never changes himself for anyone, I respected that. And so, as this story illustrates, the essence of who you are shows up through all your choices. My attraction to simple things lead me to my husband, a humble, calm and simple man, yet, whose wisdom brought simplicity and peace to my then-crazy life. My attraction to simple things also led me to my profession, and to my choice in clothing, the way I do my hair, the things I choose to talk about with my friends, and finally, to running.  

       I don't think running is for everyone, just as don't think most women would be happy in a relationship like mine. Yet, both fill me with joy and satisfaction. It's important to know what speaks to each of us and find the common thread of that specific tune in everything we do. Your thread may be intensity, yours may be movement, yours may be thrill. Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself to find the call that most speaks to you and replicate its song in everything you choose. Happiness is finding that twin soul who speaks the same language. 

          

          

        

week 4, day 3...feeling strong baby

             It's sad when I think about how most women rarely get to feel the way I feel after a run. It's tough to describe the feeling exactly, but after a run, I feel a combination of utterly invincible, imperfectly beautiful, powerful beyond belief and just so blessed and joyful all around. Everything is right with the world right after a run, and one can think and make decisions with crystal clear clarity for several hours after. When people ask me about running, which RARELY happens by the way, but in the rare, rare occasions when they do ask me about it I always make sure to add in there that running is my anti-depressant, not only that, but I think of it as the love of my life. In describing it this way I can successfully communicate (in mainstream "America-speak") the importance and the intensity of the relationship. So yes, when asked about running I almost always bring out the intense, romance-speak to make sure to communicate just how essential this activity is in my life. 

      On that note, I had a GREAT run today. Not one part of my body hurt and no breaks were needed. It was a straight 6 miles, with the last two being much faster than the first 4. What more can one ask? 

             

Planning around safety and priorities

                     Safety is something every runner needs to ponder, make decisions about and plan for. Women especially, cannot ignore the enormous topic of safety. Today, while I was in total bliss running 7 miles on the trails of Lake Accotink alone at about half an hour past sunrise, I was trying to figure out a way I could run alone in the woods in the fall/winter season and stay safe. What would I need to each this? What are the dangers I'd need to consider? Are the dangers wild animals, or are the dangers people? Would it be too scary out in the woods in the dark? 

                    The rebellious feminist in me fights even wearing reflective gear for my night runs, yet, the practical survivalist in me wants to make it back home in one piece at all costs, so that part of me is a little more willing to compromise, I do, after all  want to make it home in one piece. In reflecting a few solution, unfortunately, a running partner is not a choice for runs have become my "ME" time. I use my running time to reflect on all that is happening and purge, ponder, make decisions, etc. As the saying goes, "Been there, done that". I already tried a running group and was highly disappointed with some of the women I met. I had one very traumatic experience and after that I have not been able to get past it enough to try the group again. I know, sounds incredibly immature for a 43 year-old, but that is how I feel and I know how I am, it's not easy for me to forget people's outright negative actions towards me. Knowing me, I can almost assure that once I get a bad experience in a relationship I tend to stay away and not give second chances, I have learned that people often repeat their behaviors and keeping those people in our lives is a sure recipe for pain. So the group running idea is O.U.T. for all reasons listed above. 

               Upon further reflection I might just relegate my trail runs to weekends when I can catch the sunrise. In the fall/winter months the sun comes out much later. In the weekdays I am well on the way to work when the sun comes out, leaving me with only weekends. Still, I crave more nature and wish there was some way I could squeeze in some nature in my runs.....maybe I could run on the trails AFTER work, in Arlington, VA, but I would have to be super disciplined and leave work on time on days I do my runs after work, or else, I will never see my kids and husband. 
               
                I have runner friends who don't have children and they can freely carve their day to their hearts' content. I am not envious of their limitless open time, instead, I feel so blessed to be a mom and have this opportunity to see these two young people grow. As much as a part of me wishes I had more time to leisurely triple-plan my running life, I would not trade motherhood for anything, not even more running. As important as running is to me and my sanity, my children will always come before running. I demonstrate this by always doing my long runs while they sleep, so that I make them breakfast when they wake up. I am constantly reminding myself that soon, the time will come when they both fly from us and I will be wishing these mom days back, I better enjoy them while it lasts. 

Dare to dream big, but work small

          When I crossed that 50K finish mark on October 11, 2013 lots of things changed for me, but primarily in the way I relate to my own body. All my life I have been like an entity, totally separate from my body, driving my body through all these potentially dangerous habits. First, the stupid diets from Atkins to the Soup diets, all the way down to the an eight-day lemonade fast, yes, I only drank lemonade with cayenne pepper for 8 days. Then came the smoking in my 20's, then the staying up ungodly late hours to party and dragging myself around for the next few days. All these are example of how my body is being treated as dispensable. But crossing that 50K finish line after 10 hours, 29 minutes, 45 seconds  made me see how much my body can give back if given the proper care and training. And please!!! know that in the running world this is not a fast time for a 50K, in fact I came in DEAD LAST, so know that by no means am I bragging....but I DID finished under the cutoff by 15 seconds, in other words....I finished and that was quite huge for ME.

         One might think there is no difference between "making" one's body train and run a 50K and "making" one's body run 7 miles on zero training, at first glance, both experiences ARE hard on the body. Well, there is a huge difference. For one, for the 50K that is, you are working with your body over a period of months to slowly scale up your training to be ready for what it's going to go through. It's a painstakingly long process that requires tons of planning, lots of learning and mistakes making.  As the training slowly increases your body takes time to heal during the schedules rest days and comes back stronger. On the other hand, the 7 miles on zero training is absolute suicide, even 3 miles on zero training is dangerous, but I hear about people doing this quite often these days. Just going out there and pounding their body mercilessly and never once checking in, never once realizing it's going to be a bitch tomorrow when I wake up.

         If there is one thing I have learned from long-distance running is all kinds of facts about my body, how it operates, what is bound to injure it. I know that on cold days I can cause my shin to spasm, especially if I try to pass a slightly faster runner on a hill, which sadly HAS happened (and caused me months of recovery). I have learned that insoles are overpriced pieces of shit that cause more damage than good, I have learned that the first 2 miles of any runs will make you hate life but once it goes away you will be so grateful that you're running, I have learned to recognize which morning aches go away by noon and which aches are more serious and may require a day off. I have learned that a good bra is worth every penny and that Vaseline under my arms is absolutely necessary if I am to run 8+ miles, I have learned that good socks, again, are worth every penny. I have learned that I can wear shorts and a t-shirt in weather as cold as 40 degrees, bundle up any more and I will be tying my extra top around my waist at mile 3. You see, all this knowledge comes from the training. The training is not just an annoying meaty center meant to be ignored. In so many ways, the training IS the race. Just like in life, the end result does not encompass the experience of the journey. The certificate, the graduation, the promotion ceremony all are just mere stamps on the enormous and lengthy path it took to get there.

          Perhaps that is why I have been so cheery these past few weeks. I started my training plan and once again I am on this journey, this long trudge to the top, every day focusing on that day only. I have always been a person who needs a purpose. There are two kinds of people in this world, the incidental types who let life happen to them and the hopefuls. The "hopefuls" need an idea, a dream to chew on and as long as they have that bone, they can go through all kinds of hell and all will be fine because like holding a map, the Way is clear. Therefore, following this plan is very much like having this dream that one day will be realized, but I am not concerned about that now, THE DAY, I have learned, comes soon enough, but to have it come you need not focus on it, just trudge along, day after day, step after step.

         So choose the right plan for your current fitness level and dare to dream big. Keep your nose to the grind and make each day count. Before you know it, you will be on top of the world and in a world where instant gratification is the only language, no one will know how you ever made it so far.

Do what you fear most....

         The Wheel of Fortune is constantly spinning, always something new in the horizon, we never get a rest from fearing what may lie around the corner. When things are going well in our lives, we always fear what may happen next to ruin our current state of peace. When things are bad, we fear this stage may last long and cause continuous discomfort and pain. There is a way out of this constant fear of 'what may come next' and it's found in confronting it head-on. 

     Planning for races, long races especially, brings such a sense of awe and fear that it almost takes my breath away every time I think about the enormity of the challenge. I just signed up for my first 50 miler and I have NO idea how I will ever get this done. I know I can, with proper training and the proper mental game all is possible, yet, still, I cannot fathom YET all it would take to cross that line; it's a terrifying thought. 

      One interesting thing about fear though is that once you have faced the fear and defeated it, you know it is possible and no matter how big the next challenge is you now know it is possible to defeat fear. My daughter did gymnastics for some time and when it came time to do her first ever performance in front of a crowd she froze. She told me in very dramatic fashion that she could not, would not, do it. I told her that no matter what she needed to do it, that only in seeing it through would she ever feel right and that if she caved now she would forever cave at all challenges. Sure enough she did it and from that challenge forward she knew the fear was a mere facade; she knew from that day forward now to believe the fear, but to face it and only in facing it, would the anxiety surrounding it go away. 
          

Deflating Anger

               My husband's mom passed away last week and the whole family drove up to Massachusetts for the wake and the funeral. It was both physically and emotionally very tough on all of us. In all, I went 4 days without running, and we drove 20 hours within 3 days and afterwards, once it was allover, I found myself being angry a lot. Angry at a thankless friend who've I've done numerous favors for and now simply ignores my emails with request for help. I find myself being angry at the local drivers who choose to wait to merge onto Braddock Road instead of turn into the turning lane where it would be much simpler to merge, angry at the relentless rain that has causes lots of games to be rescheduled, then there is the glue I ordered 2 months ago that has not yet arrived and I need it for my lessons. As I began to feel overwhelmed with this anger I noticed that the more I got mad the more mad I got. It became like a stream of never-ending bubbling up of more and more reasons to be mad, from little minute reasons to giant blogs of justifiable reasons, all coming at me at the same time. 

        What does one do with all this anger? I knew from my readings into the nature of the mind that thoughts are fleeting and like any energy force, thoughts, come and go, so I knew better than to believe them. Nevertheless the feeling of anger persisted, reminding me constantly how awful everyone can be at every interaction, making me want to just crawl away into a hole and never see another soul. 

         But wait a minute! so much good has also been happening and for some reason our minds love to veer away from all the good and primarily focus on the bad. One has to make a strong concerted effort to refocus on the good and soon the bad starts to seem less overwhelming. So let's see....what good has been happening? We came back home from the funeral and my angel friend, Jenna, had made us dinner, more importantly, she got me my favorite red wine and brownies. The kids, upon my return, told me they had missed me, friends at work came in my class and were happy to see me back. My husband was okay with me leaving for over an hour so I can go to the gym and run for the first time in 4 days, I got to enjoy a 5 mile run, my mom called to tell me her surgery went fine. I found out my son does not have a game tomorrow which means I can join friends for a happy hour. 

       You see, the world will always throw us crap. People do suck, sometimes, drivers are bad, sometimes, disappointment is waiting at every corner. But if we let them into our minds, into our moods, they win. We have to actively push back and set ourselves up for a better state of mind. I do this with running, but I also do this by bringing my mind back to the things and the people I love. 

Nudity

Dear women who openly walk around nude in the locker room at the gym, 

           Although I am currently way too shy to be able to walk around nude in the women's locker room at my gym, I very much cheer, admire and am in total awe of anyone who can do this and hope to some day be able to join you in this act of beauty, defiance and bravery. As I jealously passed a few of you this morning after my workout doing your hair or toweling off buck-naked in front of the mirrors, I internally challenged myself that I too would be one of you within the year. 
             I guess I have always been very reserved. Most likely it stems from from years and years of being self-conscious about my body, and yes, with a touch of cultural shyness to boot. Seeing a grown person in the nude was just not common sight growing up in my household. I remember I was a babysitter for a family in my teens. This family had a pool. Before swimming one day the moms chose to change right into their suits right front of me and I had a huge panic attack; nothing like this has ever happened in my presence before. As I grow to love my body more and more each day I find it imperative that I too face my own discomfort with nudity and if I am to continue changing in total privacy to make damn well sure that it's not out of shame or pure cowardice. So, I'd like to thank you for just being who you are! You represent a place I'd love to be in my relationship with my body, yet have not yet reached. Seeing you be so free and confident in your body allows me to be more confident in mine. You see, we all inspire each other, so keep on being your amazing self. 

Sincerely, 
-Still too shy to bear it all

              
               

Friendship and running

               Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. 

               First, in a week, a friend I had way back in 5th grade is coming to run a long distance race locally and is spending a few days in my home with her hubby. I know, that is 33+ years ago, but we have so much in common and I cannot wait to chat it up with her. We are both runners, we both are married to runners, we both love to garden, we even both harvest our own dandelions; which we then consume, we both love dogs, and are attracted to simple things and, last, and not surprisingly, we are both very outspoken. Second, That same weekend happens to also be my longtime friend's birthday and I could not be luckier to have this woman beside me in life. She is the one person I can call, besides my hubby, any time of the day or night and she will guide me through the deepest, darkness times without a second thought. I surely wish a friend like that on everyone and can only hope I am as good a friend to her as she is to me. 

                  When I was younger I thought having more friends, than less, was a great thing to aspire to, 'the more the merrier, I'd think,' I'd do a terrific job groveling, begging and morphing myself in so many different me's just to be that all-supportive friend to as many people as possible, regardless of what they offered me, friendship-wise. Back then, even friends who'd toss me, figuratively, 'crumbs', would deserve my fullest attention. Back then, I could not afford to lose even the crappiest of friends, I was so afraid to be alone that the fear alone lit a fire under me to be a huge sucker. I'd sit up hours listening to miserable, divorcing women friends, who'd know nothing about me personally, or never even bothered to ask me about me. They'd drone on and on about their tragedy. They'd demand all sorts of help and support in their time of need and hardly knew me. I'd make their priorities my priorities, their emergencies my emergencies regardless of whether these priorities even mattered to me or whether they'd ever do the same for me. I'd remain friends with women who'd outright exclude me on girlfriend outings then, during future group gatherings, share in my presence all the details of their outings, as if I had no feelings to be hurt. I remember laboring for hours making entire meals for friends to only be rudely advised on my weight or told how my meal was not balanced. I'd stupidly pay out-of-pocket for take-out for friends going through things only be told how miserable they are that they're not elsewhere or with someone else at the time. So you see, I've had my share of crappy, inconsiderate, self-serving friends and at 43, I am done being that all-supportive friend. You see, I know I am a great friend, but I am not a social service, there is a difference. I may be a little absentminded and maybe a bit lacking in some areas(or a lot), but overall I am a solid, faithful, bulldog of a friend. I just want more because I know I deserve more. There is a very wise saying that goes something like this, "It's Much Better To Be Alone Than To Be With Someone Who Makes You Feel Lonely"

                 Not surprisingly, and opposite to my younger opinion, the secret to happiness comes from drastically whittling this list of friends down, down, down...and even more down. As I get older I have learned to become wiser in selecting friends. One simple defining factor in selecting these friends have been their actions, nothing more, nothing less. Just because someone calls themselves your friend does not make them a friend. Nope. It's a nice sentiment, but to be a friend, a true friend, you actually have to act like one too, not just part-time, not just in some areas, not just when it's convenient, but full-time, all the time. 

                  But I am sure you are asking yourself about now, "How does running and friendships come together?". Running has taught me to not fear being alone. In training for a race, I spend hours upon hours alone and I have gotten to really know me and like me. So, I no longer fear aloneness, in fact, I revel in it; and in the midst of all the business in life right now, I actually crave it. If left to my own devices, I will always be totally and utterly content, doing some creative activity or another. Freedom from any fear of being alone is liberating and empowering at the same time. But running has also taught me another great lesson in friendships, it's helped me know how to keep focus on my goal of finding my own inner peace in the face of extreme discomfort. You see, running is not a comfortable sport. On any given run, pain comes, pain goes and while you run you know this fact and despite knowing that pain comes you just continue on, fully trusting that just as easy as pain came, it will leave.          

                Therefore, I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life. Full of genuine loving friends and relationships that energize, not drain, inspire not drag you down. I feel so blessed to have so many amazing, strong, brave, and inspiring women in my life who both lift me up and fill me with love.