Hidden strengths

              I have always known myself to have good instincts. I can pick up when people don't like me, or when someone is attracted to me or even intimidated by me. I can sense it when someone wants more from an interaction, is disappointed or even angry underneath, regardless of their smile or their poker face. What I did not know though, until this week, is how come I am this way. I've always thought it was just something I was born with. Just this week it occurred to me, quite suddenly doing one of my walks, that I have always had to rely on myself and myself, alone, to know how to read any given situation. In fact, for most of my adolescent and adult life the huge decisions I made concerning my life, since age 9, I have done alone. No adult conversations, no guidance counselor, no coach, no teacher.....me, alone. My mother, who I love very, very much, and whom I do not fault for any of this, was of the generation that did not talk about much...period. Additionally, she worked long hours only to then face an almost hour and half commute each way daily. Growing up and I was left to my own devices, from a very young age and only when I had my own kids did I realize how alone this alone really was, for I could not imagine ever being that distant from my own kids. Again, not blaming anyone here, but truth is the truth and it was what it was. At my age, I refuse to lie to make things more palatable and being absolutely real is part of this middle-age mind shift. 

        But what a surprise to come to my mid 40's and see that what I regarded for so long as a misfortune ends up being one of THE most valuable assets, and what an amazingly useful asset it is. Without effort, I can feel people's vulnerabilities. I have friends that whom I can immediately tell when they are not okay. I walk into rooms full of people and feel the energy and use that to help me navigate the space. I have listened to this voice and this voice alone now for so long no that I trust it before any other. For example, when someone may be emotionally volatile; my whole body will feel tense in their presence. 

No doubt LOTS of people have these same gifts, in fact, I feel everyone has these gifts buried in them. In my case, my life circumstances have helped make these instincts razor sharp. That, combined with trusting one's instincts have come to reinforce these gifts. I never thought I'd be thankful for a tough upbringing. 

no apologies....2020 version

One thing running does to you is it makes you brutally honest. It could be a side affect from having the needs to address small body issues as the come up while running. In running, if one did not see  diagnose an issue clearly one cannot in essence fix the issue. In running it's of utmost importance to fix the issues as they come up and before they get huge. So runners become really good at tackling the issue at hand, as it comes up, this moment. We don't like to sit on issues. This is the lens I now use to address my world. Things come up and they are addressed, no matter how tough the "thing" is, leaving the issue to linger for another day is simply not an option. I bring this up because I have noticed myself become increasingly frustrated and incredibly impatience with how fear of confrontation from people who choose to run away instead of face their own mistakes help make a huge muck out of things. 

I find myself  therefore completely having zero patience for anyone who can't own up, do their part, participate, BUT, will expend tons of energy and go the ends of the earth to construct an excuse for their behavior, or worse, blame you for it. 2020 has brought out the teeth in me, and viscerally I find myself walking away from these people, emotionally, literally, and figuratively. More and more I remind myself of my mom. My mother could do 10 things at one time and do each one amazingly. She would, of course, always silently want and expect your help but if that help required her  to hold your hand while you did it,  forget it, she'd rather just do it herself, less stress, less drama...that is where I am right now. I have officially become my mother when it comes to how I think go disappointing people. 

Lucky for me I am surrounded by amazing people who dream big dreams like me, and who stand beside me shoulder to shoulder and pace along with the same ferocity. With people like these there is no limit to what one can accomplish. As I grow older people fall into two very distinct categories, the ones whose presence can help you soar and the one's whose weight can bring you down....there are no in-betweens, you are either someone who helps me sink or swim....if you make me sink I am cuttin' you loose.