Getting ready for a long run requires a lot of calculations. First, you get all the variables, how fast you think you can run, how many miles, when is sunrise, how many of those miles will begin at the gym on the treadmill and how many on the trails, and which trails, when am I needed back at home, the temperature tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to my 18 miler in the morning. Four and half hours of me time....heaven.
Yet, planning all this is tough enough with all other activities that come with being a mom to a 12 and a 10-year-old. Four our of 5 weekdays we have some form of evening event after work. Then, on top of that add on my current severe downs that I have been experiencing lately. I am not sure if my downs are due to hormonal changes in my aging body or just maybe tiredness from work, maybe, just maybe it's the news of all these natural disasters and the sadness that come with that news. No matter what it is, it has been very tough dealing with these downs and luckily running helps get me back on track... somewhat.
It's not only the act of running and the exercise and the exhaustion that helps me get back on track either. Running gives me a sense of self-dependence that I desperately need right now. Trust and lack thereof has been a huge issue this year, on so many levels. Erratic behavior in others has made me withdraw and increased my need to depend only on myself more and more. I could definitively say at this point I feel most at peace when I am alone. I am aware that I am taking a sabbatical from a lot but for now I am quite comfortable here. Not sure if running is helping or hindering me, but at this moment I am going to follow only my comfort level, like I would a compass. Currently, my personal sense of personal comfort is the only barometer in which I blindly trust. This is huge. For someone like myself who has spent an enormous chunk of her adult life being there for others, right now, I am unable to do be that person, yet, for the first time, I am allowing myself not to feel guilty, which feels very nice to not have that pressure....deep in me I must know my limits well and I know that right now, I just simply can only bear to carry myself and those immediately in my care.
Therefore, Sundays are reset days. On Sundays I let out my adventurous self out and for 3 to 5 hours I get to only take care of my own needs and not have to negotiate levels of care for anyone but me. Like a mom caring for an infant, on my long runs I baby myself. If tired, I take a GU, if thirsty I drink, if chafing, I apply vaseline and so on. Running is my refuge for now, more than ever, and despite my occasional stints with my downs I am able to stay on top of it thanks to the deep level of self-sufficiency and strength this sport gives me every time I lace up my sneakers. I am feeling so lucky to have a trusty tool that can help me save my own life and sanity, day after day.
As a person aiming to test her own endurance limits purely through distance I find the running community's fascination with speed and fast runners to be over the top, in fact, I find it incredibly annoying. First, does every podcast and magazine article and cover dedicated to running need to be about those ultra-gifted, super-fast athletes who run at speeds most of us would never even come near? Second, most of the running community consists of regular-speed runners who for the most part love running and are not qualifying for Boston anytime soon. How come we don't see more of US reflected back to us in the media, podcasts and articles and covers? Last, the faster runners I do encounter in my runs never say, "good morning" back to me as I chug past them. Somehow, the camaraderie I think I share with all runners is not mutually shared with most faster runners, even in my own community.
As someone who often reads Runner's World Forum, podcasts and running magazines regularly, I too often have come across arguments and debates over the back-of-the-pack runners. The arguments always focus on the legitimacy of these slower runners as real runners. Often it revolves around the the 6, 7 or 8-hour marathoner and "are they actually racing or just watering down the sport". All these arguments are always made, of course, by faster runners, whose legitimacy as "runners" is not questioned due to their established speed. I find that the majority of the running community is very interested in embracing all types of runners into the community, yet, I find most media outlets about running to be quite elitist in their view of slower runners. These predetermined, and very separate views of runners in these categories only serves to separate the running community. What is the big deal I ask? There is certainly room for everyone and the presence of slower runners in the sport should not in any way threaten its legitimacy. In fact, I will go even further and claim that, in fact, slower runners make up the majority of the sport, therefore shouldn't we see more of us reflected back to us in these media outlets? In some ways, I see the running community's fascination with fast running to be sickeningly parallel to the way magazines depict ultra-skinny women back to all women, constantly feeding us with ideas that we are not good enough until we are a size zero. Yes, getting faster is one goal of runners and one that all runners may aspire to eventually, but people come to running for all sorts of reasons and simply narrowing this journey to one goal limits your target audience and alienates the majority of your readers.
I obviously won't hold my breath until the Runner's World posts a regular ol' runner on their cover, but in the meantime, I will search high and low for the community I very well know exists among us, one where everyone is included, regardless of speed, or distance covered. I won't think twice when a faster runner turns up his nose at my greetings . It's their loss I say to myself. Thank goodness most runners I know are some of the most amazing people I know and thank goodness us regular runners far outnumber faster ones, so technically, even though the media might not depict it that way, this is OUR sport.
I am tired of running's obsessions with speed. For once, I'd like to tune into my favorite running podcasts or open my running magazines and not have to hear/read an interview with some super speedy 18-something year old. Instead, how about interviewing a person like me, someone who got into running a bit later, but that is committed, curious and yes, slower. I know for a fact that an interview with a person much more like me would make me more inspired, and more interested to tune-in in the future.
It's not like I don't understand this fascination with speed. On days I go faster than my typical slow pace I am ecstatic and the feeling of strength and invincibility I feel are unmistakably addictive. But, I also have this need to internally celebrate the fact that I even get out there at all. Perhaps my disinterest in this top 1% running speed-freak 'anomalies' closely parallels my general disinterest in famous people, celebrities and pop stars. I guess you can safely say I am not the 'star struck' kind of girl. I strongly suspect and am starting to believe that the narratives of those in the back of the race as just as interesting, if not more interesting.
I was listening to The Marathon Show podcast and heard the phrase 'you've been chicked'. The term means when a woman passes a man you'd say 'the man has been chicked'. Made me immediately wonder what it's called when a man passes a woman. Perhaps because men are thought of as traditionally faster than women, there is no term for it. But the whole idea of passing made me think of America's fascination with speed and it's affect on runner's rapport towards one another in the field. Being a consistent 11 minute a mile runner made me think of the fact that there will always be faster runners than me, at least until I get faster. On my runs I am most certainly always passed by faster runners, often times younger men who wizz past me triumphantly. The fact that I am passed has not bothered me much until I talked to my hubby and he expressed how good it feels pass other runners. I now run and wonder, 'is this guy mentally screaming victory too as he passes me?', my answer is, 'most likely.' As a good Buddhist, I am working on this and each time it happens I have to remind myself that I am not competing against the person who passes me, I am only ever competing against myself. In a way, each time a person passes me is an opportunity to remind myself of this fact.
How about you out there....are you a passer or a 'passee'? How do you feel on either end of this issue? In the end I have to celebrate the fact that I can run, the fact that I ran 2 hours and 20 minutes non-stop last weekend and the fact that I have found something I really love to do.....being passed allows me to practice focusing on what I do have....
