Struggles on the path....

           I have been struggling lately....not the kind of struggling you can see really. People like me never really visibly display their actual real struggles....if you know me, I can ask you, "when was the last time I really needed you to bring me up?" exactly, "never."..... But the struggle is there, incessant, always whispering, always this weight, looming above me. The struggle is a lagging sense of stagnant energy. It creates anxiety, restlessness, general crankiness. Running, thankfully, alleviates it but if two, three days go by and I don't run the negative feeling always creeps in, without fail. 

            Being in nature is one of the few antidotes that pulls back the curtains and allows some positivity to come through again. Also, cooking, watching movies, and listening to others' new and innovative ideas, etc...all give me a sense of purpose and a renewed sense of hope. Anything that manages to get me out of my own head helps me gets past it. But at the bottom of it all the main cause is always this fight I have with my body....If ever in your life you have not been under control of what happens to your body you develop a disconnect with it, I believe a lot of my body issues stem form these past experiences where I did not have control of my body and what happened to it. This struggle, it's been such a longstanding fight now that I don't care to hear one more advice, I don't care to follow anyone's brilliant success stories, but I also I don't want to have this struggle with my body anymore and frankly I am at a loss. 

             I know my motto is "never give up" but 100% of me is having a hard time maintaining this beacon statement of positivity ...right now, I am feeling like giving up running and giving up my big dreams... They feel heavy, burdensome, annoying even. I share this on here not to seek help; this is not something anyone can really help me with anyway, this is something I know I must tackle on my own and I know I can and I will....I share this on here because I know this is not a struggle I alone experience. Everyone around me has these struggles and they too hardly show them to the world. 

               As far as answers to a way out, right now, as things stand, I have zero answers except for the idea of 'withdrawal'. Withdrawal seems to be the only solution that gives me solace at the moment so that is what I will do until a better answer pops up in my head. I will withdraw....how this withdrawal looks, again, might be completely imperceptible to all my friends and family, but I will know it ad that is what matters. Like all other strong waves of sadnesses that have come to pass through me in the past, I am trusting this one will also come to pass and I will again feel fine in its wake...Most importantly, based on past knowledge, I choose not to fight it. It is what it is....no opinions, no fights, no drama, no weaving of narratives to make it more or less than it is, no pushing away of, just pure acceptance. 

Norman J. Levy Park and Preseve

              Hidden next to a sanitation department, this little preserve is a gem. It's kept up, clean, has access to a bathroom, is about 30% shaded, and there are maps everywhere to help you navigate your way. It was quickly getting hotter so I chose to do 3 miles on these trails. 


(below) This is the way most of the path looks.....all around you see benches and lots of places to take a break. The paths go around in a circle and some offer steps to go straight to the top where one can see above the town of Freeport, NY. 












All around one can find information about the creatures in the preserve, plants, flowers...etc. 








At the very top these is a pond with lotus plants w/ flowers and wooden bridges and geese. 










The map looks like an anatomical rendition of private lady part....so I added it here in the end. 

Worst long run

          The plan was 13.1 miles on the Jones Beach Bikeway off of Cedar Creek Park at 6am, instead it turned out to be 12 miles at 7am which only 7 were running miles and 5 were walking, but sometimes you have to readjust your goals depending on he circumstances. 

             I did not happen to look at the weather report that day. Normally I do, yet, this time around I had assumed it would be cook enough. I woke up and seeing as I'm staying at my mom's house we got to talking as I drank up her jet black coffee. We talked for an hour and finally got to the trailhead at 7am. I followed a 4:1 run:walk ratio for 7 miles. The path was cool but full of bugs, my compression shorts tore at my inner thigh and I was bitten by sand flies every time I slowed down. At first it was cool, then I was in full sunlight all the way to the beach. Once at the beach (mile 5), I found a bathroom and repaired my shorts with a safety pin I happened to have on my hydration vest, lubes up my inner upper arms where I tend to chafe and took off my top, wet it, wet my cap and continued on my way. 10 minutes later my top and hat were again bone dry and I could not get cook enough. 

         At mile 7 my body could not get cool enough and I chose to walk until I could get cool enough to run again. I felt bad for walking for about half a mile until I noticed that even walking would be a challenge in this heat. I began to feel dizzy; even walking I could not get cool enough. I finished off my last salt pill and noticed I may not have packed enough, I needed far more than 3 pills with the amount of sweating I was doing. 

                I was never happier to see the end of a bike path as I was during this run. Got to my car, stretched, drove home and started my day. Despite not having met my initial goal I felt like a superstar. I ran in 87 degree weather, with a humidity of 70% and did good time for the time I did run. Most importantly, I did not give up. I also figured all this training will come in handy somewhere. 

          

This is the path on the Jones Beach Bikeway off of Cedar Creek Park 


almost done!


Loved seeing this patch of grass growing through the pavement. 


almost a surreal view....bee on flower.....

6 miles around the lake

         
         I guess I have just gotten use to feeling super inadequate at this running thing. But thanks to my mantra, "don't ever give up." I have paid very little attention to how shitty I feel about my running.  I woke up at 5:30am and dragged my body out of bed, had coffee and used every mental tactic in the book to get my ass out the door. Once I am out though, everything changes. This other person emerges, a more confident, happy, driven person. So no matter how I feel when I wake up, having done this process many, many, many times over I know that the better me will for sure emerge once I get moving. I trust the process so much that I don't question any part of the struggle any more. I did not see another runner for almost 4 miles into the run....which always gives me an even a bigger boost.... who else is crazy enough to run on this gravelly mess of a trail. My ankles have become much stronger and can now handle more of the uneven terrain. 

   
These sneakers.... in case you can't see there is blue stitching on both sides. I have had to sew them....I say they have about another year and a half of running in them... I have probably already run 3 marathons and a 50 miler in them, but they are so damn comfy. You see, when you wear you shoes evenly, your sneakers become like those minimalist shoes, and your feet get stronger and more use to running with less and less padding. It's a great natural way to becoming more minimalist without the injuries often associated with minimalist running. 


Felt good today and chose to pick up all types of trash left by losers on the trail....here, two people sat and enjoyed the beautiful lake as they are, then left their crap behind.... 





Came back home to discover that my dahlias were finally blooming. They had all died last year. I had dug them out and stored them in a paper bag until to find them all dried out completely over the winter, so I had to buy all new bulbs....so here are my new babies.... I will not be digging them out this year, instead, I will leave them in the ground and hope they do not freeze in the winter. 

Lake Accotink On a beautiful day

When we come upon other runners...

           When running I am usually very happy, so it's no surprise that I smile at other runners and walkers as they pass me by and say, "Good Morning". Most often I get a smile back and even a return hello. When totally depleted of energy I will muster maybe a raised peace sign and a smile, but most times I will at least acknowledge the other person. But, more and more, and most often from younger runners, I get a deadpan stare, in which case after they pass silently to my greeting, I utter (under my breath, "or not"). Over the years I have gotten over the non-response. When I first started distance running I remember it really bit at me how some would simply pass you by. Then again, I WAS running in DC and like in any city people are cautious. Who knows what a smile or a greeting might bring, right? But I'd think that one could easier judge another's danger capability by engaging in a hello. For example, a drunk man stumbled out of the wooded area the other day, he was singing wildly and seemed unable to walk a straight line. As I ran by I summoned the voice of a Marine and sternly said a "good morning". In his drunken stupor the man responds, "Good morning Ma'am". Right then I categorized him as harmless.  

          Over the years, I have boiled down my greeting to a combination of a nod, a peace sign and a quick closed lip smirky smile. These three seem to be respectful, not too puppy giddy, not too forward, but communicate,  "Hey, we are into the same sport....oh yeah!" No matter what though, I find that a greeting is something I just naturally do and have never considered not doing. How do you greet other runners? 

MTB Project -Trail Maps Online

I was at the local bike shop and the man who worked there told me about this site.....MTBproject.com....he was almost giddy telling me about it, claiming it would change my life! no kidding! I am so in love with this free site. It even comes with an app so that it can be accesses while on the trails (see bottom left app). 

While on the app you can see all local trails near you and see yourself on the map. Plus prior users have all uploaded tons of photos and reviews about each trail, also accessible on the app. 

Here is the local trail. The one I ran with Nora yesterday. I ran, she biked. 

Summer Fun

               I have always loved tahini.....and I have always bought the Goddess dressing, which incidentally has tahini in it. Today I made my own dressing with tahini. It had tahini, water, garlic, lemon juice, and very little salt. The salad was great. 


            Bought Nora a new bike yesterday.....21 speed Trek bike. Now I have a trail partner. Today we went for a 6-mile run/bike  around Accotink and she did awesome. It was in the 90's yet she breezed on those hills and pebbly downhills. 

At the bike shop the bike attendant told us about this site where we can find trails and trail maps. 

Me at my friend's pool! 

After ending a 17 mile weekend.....next weekend, 18 miles. 

My Dahlias are blooming!! I think I might purchase some more for my garden.....cannot get enough of them. 

Week 3, Day 6

          I got to see the lake today.YES!!! That alone is enough to make me smile all day today. Here is where I stopped to stretch my legs a bit over some bench acing the lake. This was a relatively easy week of running. I have one more run tomorrow, a 6-miler. As much as I like the trails, I think I will do my 6-miler on pavement tomorrow, for my ankles are totally beat from navigating over all the loose rocks and mud from the rain on this particular trail. 

            My compression shorts ripped where my thighs meet mid-run and it made me think that for any long run, like a race, I would have to take with me a threaded needle for occasions such as these. To avoid getting chafed, I simply rotated my sweaty shorts pant leg around to the front of my tight a bit so that the hole did not meet my other leg, it worked. Although every runner coming towards me got to see a weird hole in the front of my shorts. Luckily, few people are on the trails early on a Saturday morning. I got home and sewed up the hole and the shorts are back in circulation. 

         Surprisingly, I ran without music for the second time this week, and in a long time. It seems almost wrong to go into a rich, lush forest and put on earphones to hear pop music, my heavy synthetic running tunes heavily clashes with the more natural feel of the forest.