A world where men and women are.....

              We have a long way to go for true gender equality.  I watched Nanette, a movie on Netflix showing a standup comic, Hannah Gadsby, doing her self-professed 'last' comedy special, in which she shares her experience being gay in a small country off of Australia where being gay was not legal until recently. In her special, she touches upon how just her more masculine ways of dressing brought violent outbursts from men in her presence, enough to have her beaten by one man and raped in a separate incident by two men. In her special, she invites men to essentially "man-up" and toughen up and she even jokes about how could one's outfit bring about such 'violent reactions'. Even though laws are now in the books in the US to bring about more gender equality you can't sensor what's in people's heart and you certainly can't sensor people's insecurities. I say insecurities for I feel anytime you have sexism, or cases of misogyny, or gender discrimination it's almost always about one's lacking sense of self. 

  

                I don't think I could emphasize enough the powerful effect this movie has had on me. Life works so beautifully this way. You never know what's going to come your way and change your life completely, in this case, for the better. Nevertheless, this one stand-up show made me realize two things. One, it's okay to be mad, really mad, but most importantly, her stand-up taught me that it's okay to seek and create new ways of being a woman that does not require smiles, sweetness, "rolling over" and being of service to all, always. I don't need to behave like a sweet puppy  or be "lady like". I don't need to come across non-threatening, and especially, I don't need to behave this way whenever I encounter a man who has insecurity issues. Please understand, that I am by no means advocating roughness or some version of a mainstream rendition of the "angry feminist"; the opposites of anything is never a solution, for like a pendulum, when pushed it comes back to hit you back on its return.  

                Yes, the issue lies in that there are very few already-established paths for women to follow. Joseph Campbell, whose videos about the Hero's Journey I devoured as a young adult , apparently believed that women are not part of the hero's journey. Yet, I question that assumption, for women have only been recently been allowed to have stories. Just a few generations ago women were not able to vote, drive, own land, marry other women, divorce....on and on and on, etc.... so I say yes, women could also follow the hero's journey, but first we have to write it, for it has barely begun to be written. 

                 So what does a woman, young adult or girl in this new world look like, act like and think about? First, she'd listen and respond to your words and expect fully for you to be able to handle criticism; handle your shit, essentially. She'd move around her space perfectly comfortable in her body. She'd walk into a space never thinking on how she's perceived externally. She would trust herself explicitly. I have had the opportunity to play with these new ideas myself lately and I have to say it feels so light being able to walk around only worried about what's going on in my own damn head and not carrying so contradictory and unnecessary thoughts all the time. Women, especially young ones, have a tendency to always worry about what others are thinking of their words, movements, clothes, tone, etc, rendering them fully at the mercy of their observers. Imagine a world where we see women become their most genuine selves and our younger generation absorb the strengths of these older women and grow to be even stronger, more confident with each generation. Our community, our country, our world can only win from the wisdom of women. 

My 11 year old inspiration

        My daughter came up to my this morning and wanted to show me how strong she has become. She has a daily routine that includes doing varied forms of physical exercises from home, one of them being push-ups. She folder her arms and made a tight fist to make her muscles stand out and made me feel her upper arm and yes, in fact, she was pretty pumped.....for an 11 year old. The look of triumph on her face as she watched my expression was one I deeply relished, as her mom and as a woman. Here is a young girl who not only feels at home in her body but likes it, feels strong in it, takes pride in it! I don't think I, at age 11, 21 or even 31 ever felt strong in my own body, certainly not pride and certainly not "at home" in it. I can't help to feel that I have done something right parenting this kid. 
        Two nights ago she made a plan to bike around the lake the next morning. She had been talking about about her "summer program" for weeks now and part of this program is daily physical exercise of some kind. She, being still a kid, needed someone (ME, or course) to go with her. So she drags me out of bed, barely after sunrise, to accompany her around the local lake here. Luckily, my marathon training began that very same day, so hey, nothing like a nagging pre-teen to get you out of bed and on the trails before you can say no. I chugged along as she wizzed past me on her bike, back and forth, back and forth around the 4-mile route we decided on the night before. Today I am due for 5 miles run and again, she is going to ride alongside me, back and forth, back and forth. One thing I never planned for when having kids is having them be my motivation for working out...but, I am open to this.... life is full of surprises!

Show me love - Keep your words

         You can't always get what you want in the way you want it.....Once understood, this understanding could bring so much peace and happiness....yes, happiness. 

       As human beings, we greatly fear and work hard to avoid things not going our way. We spend a lot of time and energy planning ways to manipulate situations, emotions and even work hard as to avoid the huge uncertainty that is disappointment.  This way of thinking is very laborious, yet, one in which most of us fail to see how much we really take part in daily. Most people I come across on a daily basis try very hard to make things go their way, yet, it's a useless and worthless endeavor that can only bring more suffering. When we complain, when we get defensive at the way someone behaves, when something unplanned happens that cause us stress, what do most people do? They start calculating ways to make things go differently. Let me explain. 

      I am not sure when I stopped trying to change people, but I firmly believe, for some time now, that people don't change unless they want to change...PERIOD. I myself am a perfect example of this. My mom use to lecture me (and my sister) for hours and hours and I went on to make all my own personal brand of mistakes, I am talking about massively dumb and stupid mistakes, ones that could have easily gotten me killed or maimed.  None of which I'd like to share here, ever! Of course, as most believe, I could have just avoided all this pain and suffering in my early life by simply following her words of wisdom, yet, as I stated at the beginning, humans never change unless they want to and I only wanted to change years later, on my own terms, in my own time. I finally changed when I read books from people I admired, I changed when I met or read about people who've inspired me in the way they lived and the things they did. I changed when I needed words of wisdom in my life and I sought out to find the right ways of thinking. But, most importantly, I changed when I wanted to change. 

         The biggest take-away here is that it's a total waste of time to fight what is, it's a total waste of time to stick your hands in anyone's life thinking you have the magic key to their happiness, or the right words to bring about nirvana(, not to mention a bit egoistic as well). We, individually, don't hold the key to everyone's problems, in fact, only the individual knows what will help them get out of their own personal hell, or karma. When people behave unpredictably, most people, viscerally, make an effort to try to change this behavior. We do this in many ways, sometimes in such subtle ways, we might not even know we are doing it, sometimes, not so subtle. I have found myself doing that in my own marriage by either pouting, or becoming silent and cold when my husband behaves a way I in which I disagree. 

        Recently, more and more I have felt the need to affect others less and less. My inaction when things don't go my way does not mean I don't care, it just means that I know the nature of humanity and I trust that the person involved will, on their own terms, find their way, without my personalized brand of wisdom getting in the way. To try and change another's mind is futile and wasteful. So now, when things don't go as I wish I say my peace, then simply sit in love. Nothing leaves me but love, not contempt, not passive aggressiveness, not defensiveness. At age 44 I know that the act of love is allowing others to be themselves at their most basic, common denominator level self they cold be and not fighting it, at all. The act of love is called "allow". 

          But I have found there IS a way to more effectively ring about change in others without ever opening your mouth, and that is through action. I have learned this lesson from none other than my husband who has taught me so much about true friendship, and without ever uttering a single words about the subject mind you. His actions as an equal partner and member of our family says love daily. Also, my grandmother, who lived her 98 years of life true to her deep convictions and who treated all people she came across with respect, kindness and hospitality, no matter how they behaved towards her. Actions, as you see, are more pure than words ever could be, for they require you yourself to live your convictions and as the quote says, "Actions speak louder than words." 

          I believe running has helped me see the simplicity and the beauty of actions (versus mere words). For example, one can talk about running all they want, but it's the action of running that makes you a runner. Same goes for love, you can say you love 'unconditionally' all you want, but it's the act of loving unconditionally that makes that statement true. Loving unconditionally does not say, "I love you IF", it says, "I love you regardless of.....". Perhaps, that is why ultimately I have never been a big fan of overly flowery compliments or gushy accolades. In fact, to be totally honest, they have always made me a bit uneasy....okay, very uneasy. Flowery compliments and gushy language just clouds things rather than clarify, they make things more complex and less simple. Besides, once love is professed, does one really need to renew one's love vows so often? And if yes? Why? what does that say about the quality of that love? In a marriage, for example, I feel the partnership, the camaraderie of the relationship and  the friendship alone fills me with so much love; need we continually fan some flame with flowery words? 

      

My 9 year old wants to win the Tour de France

So my 9-year old mamacita wants to be in the Tour De France! we often listen to audiobooks in the car when we travel and this time on our way to and from NY we were listening to Matt Fitzgerald's How Bad Do You Want It book on the radio. A week later she asks me to take her on a bike ride. Thought nothing of it. Then she asks for a new helmet. I began asking questions and she announces, "I want to win the Tour de France". Nothing wrong with big dreams....nothing at all. 

Never Give up, Never Give up, Never Give up

          Running tries us in so many ways. I feel like a "runner" some days, yet, on other days I feel like an outsider in this sport. Last month, while in the midst of holiday planning hell and all future days seemed booked for weeks, I truly, truly came to believe that I was indeed a stranger, an importer in this world of running, "surely I did not belong" I thought. I was so convinced of my duplicitous status that I was ready to turn in the towel and go back to my life as a non-runner. Just that day I get a very gracious post on my Facebook page from a friend thanking me for inspiring her to run outdoors in winter. I was reminded by this gesture that we are not only on this earth for ourselves, but that we are also here to service others. Just as I may have inspired my friend last winter with my posts about the "hows" and "whys" of winter running, she now inspired me to play my part, not just in running, but in life.
            This lessons of not giving up has helped me in so many other ways lately. Just this week, after eating holiday foods for days at a time, each run has literally felt like I was running through peanut butter with a sprinkle of pain for the first 3 miles. In addition, my pace has slowed down enough to make me, again, wonder if I should even call myself a runner. But the answer came swiftly and decisively this time. "Yes, I belong, this is my sport and all this will pass, never, ever give up". Whatever comes out of this "never give up" endeavour, it certainly will be a heck of a lot more positive than what happens if I simply chose to give up. In essence, LIFE is about never giving up.
             Robin William's suicide always comes up in my thoughts in relation to the subject of giving up. I wonder if he had a clue how many people saw and felt his movies to be a lifeline, a ray of hope. Him taking his life, in essence, left a lot of people feeling hopeless. For example, his movie, "What dreams may come" helped me deal with my friend's suicide 8 years ago, and therefore William's own suicide left me feeling betrayed, even hopeless. The take away from his death is that we all look at each other for hope, we all seek through each other and the messages we send through the way we live can very much be the lifeline to other's hope and dreams.
            For all these reasons, I can't give up. My pace has slowed to a crawl in the past week, my legs hurt more than usual for the first 3 miles of any run, I have gained some weight due to stress and holiday treats, but, one thing has become clear this year....giving up is not an option.

Inspiration goes around and around

                 I was going through the "poor me's" a few days back. The "poor me's" means I was spending a lot of time feeling bad about myself. Distance running does a funny thing to ones perspective of personal achievement. Last week I ran and finished my 4th marathon ever, yet, the celebratory feeling never even got going. The last 2 miles, all I could think of was getting into my car and going home and getting this race behind me. What was I feeling so bad about? I was feeling bad about my time. It took me over 6 hours to finish this one. almost a whole hour slower than my fastest and 20 minutes slower than my previous, #3.  

                 What had caused me to be slower? I had gained some weight, 20lbs to be exact, and I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen. But share that gripe, about not being happy with your time, with any non-runner and they will pretty much tell you how proud you should be. Not even that, if someone were to tell me they just ran a marathon in that time, I would absolutely celebrate their accomplishment and make sure they knew how impressed I was. So why can't I do that to myself? Why am I holding myself up to a standard so above others?, why can't I just be happy with the fact that I ran 26.2 miles, non-stop....?

                  Just then, I get tagged on a Facebook post from by friend who had just run in very cold weather and she was thanking me for inspiring her and for teaching her to like running in the cold.....I can't give up after a post like that? No matter what my time is, running is a part of me and sticking with it, doing the journey with it is what it's all about. My slow, curvy, relentless racing self has a place in this sport, no matter how much my various self-doubts try to convince me otherwise. It's not about acing each and every race and getting a PR each time....It's about how you go about dealing with the injuries, and the tough cold morning runs, and negotiating what food choices we make, or don't. From this point forward I will simply ignore the self-doubts that creep in after these tough runs, or tough races. I will remind myself that my part in this sport is absolutely essential, if only to inspire 10, 5, 2 or even one other person to go out there and run.

The value of living inspirations....

                              I once read a book by Linda Goodman, I don't remember which for I read them all and they blend together in my mind, but in this one particular book Goodman mentions that the Universe, God, Great Spirit (what ever YOU may call it) sends down human anomalies in order to give us hope. Mind you, these are not her 'exact' words, but my mere interpretation of her message, so bear with me. Goodman's one of many examples of such anomalies were of people who have managed to live way, way beyond humanly believed possible. But without going so far out there, let's look at even less extreme examples of these human anomalies, like people who accomplish great feats whom we hear about in the news, or read about in history books. In my mind, I think, "no way can I rise to the same level as these great men and women, and in thinking that way justify in our minds that we and them are essentially night and day. Through THAT line of thinking we allow ourselves to stay where we are. But what if, what IF we are sent these great leaders in human form, specifically so that we can think JUST the opposite? How about the thinking that perhaps these people were placed on this earth at these times, to inspire us to aim higher in the rungs of humanity? Why not? we have whole religions built on just that scenario; someone is born and lives a human life, suffers, and in their human life do amazing things, and inspires others by example. 

                             In my life journey so far,  I have found running and daily juicing as these powerful catalysts for my own personal change. The daily supplemental juicing of daily 60+ ounces of vegetables and fruits has eliminated most of my food cravings. In addition, juicing has given me the gift of emotional balance, and health and energy beyond ever experienced. Running has given me the gifts of mental toughness, confidence and keen self-awareness; and these, mind you, are just some of the benefits. We could easily be here all day going through the varied benefits of running. Suffice it to say that this transformation has been so beyond my wildest dreams; I could have never 'planned' to come this far, I only imagined it vaguely and began arming myself with one right action after another. Often, I will share on Facebook, on in my blogs on on Twitter about my feats of the week. Perhaps some may conclude about me that this type of personal sharing on such a public forum to be a form of bragging, maybe annoying, maybe even, boisterous. Yet,  I know the nature of inspiration now after years and years of futile and turturous attempts to change those around me via various methods such as lecturing, begging, manipulating, pouting.  Why go through all that? No one changes for others and stay that way for long. Yet, all along the answer is quite simple; all it takes to help change others for the better is to first and only change oneself, all other external attempts to change the world are a total waste of time. 

                           I know a tad about inspiration. Inspiration is what gave me hope in my darkest hours and provided me a map to a brighter future. Unfortunately, I have never been, and still to this day I am not, one to do therapy or bear my soul to a perfect stranger. Tried it a few times and it felt plastic and the suggestions I was getting lacked something else I needed but could not pin point.  Therefore, while growing up, when I needed answers and a way to label and make sense of all baggage I had carried with me up to that point, I turned to books. Authors became my guiding light, my confidantes, my coaches, my therapy. I often state that reading books by great people with an open heart has saved my life. As time went on and with the upsurge of the internet, I began following the works of living inspirations online, not just authors, but people of all walks of life and found that, in fact, all around us, great, amazing, wonderful, strong, beautiful, and compassionate people abide. People who have done great things despite what seems like unsurmoutable obstacles. My focus became fine-tuned to finding these living inspirational 'anomalies', as I call them. I was thirsty to find the light keepers, the people whom despite enduring great hardship have remained positive, light, open, then have gone on to conquer their fears and turn their lives around. Why reinvent the wheel when these people were right here sharing their battles, their formulas, their entire cadre of wisdom through their books, their blogs, their very actions even? Amazing humans around us are living testament to what we too can become. And contrary to the way we traditionally treat gurus and great teachers, they are not primarily placed here to be oohhhdd and ahhhed over some altar. They help no one sitting in an altar. Their journeys are meant to be more like maps, life maps. Like snails on a dewey morning, they leave behind trails that literally anyone can follow. 

                                   I have long stopped giving people a list of authors or of people to look up as a way to inspire them to begin their own transformational journey. Everyone has to find their very own teachers in life. Teachers come in all forms and they are as individual as you are unique. What helped me, may not speak to you. Although my journey is a map to what is possible, you still need to fine-tune your heart to be able to recognize what moves you, what speaks to you, what calls you. The secret here being .....WHAT. MOVES. YOU. When found, the secret of what moves you will feed you, comfort you, fill you with purpose, you will feel and be invincible and life will feel successful regardless of external factors. 

                                  But some adults have a hard time knowing, identifying and even looking for what moves them. Being hopeful and dreaming big is something that is in us naturally, but can be lost for more practical considerations.  Unfortunately, everything about current life seems to work hard to tamp down hopes and dreams. Security breeds fear. Fear, if believed, tells us to stay put, and there, in an instant, our dreams are sacrificed for the sake of security. When my own kids tell me they are BORED, for example, this is my wake up call. Boredom is not bad per se, but what one does when bored, or with their time in general, is very telling of the health of their big dreams. These days, our children need to be supported in finding what moves them. Sadly, every 'happiness' children now profess to have seems to be externally produced. To name a few: Video games, TV shows, Ipad app games, iphones, texting, and messaging. IF a child reaches for externally-driven fun within 1.3 seconds of experiencing the first wave of discomfort there is a huge problem. It's an addiction. I call it an addition because that is what it is, plain and simple. Here's the test to prove to you that yes, in fact, it's an addition. Take just one of your child's external fun away for 2 or even days and see this seemingly docile child become a total monster for those two days. THAT is an addicted child. (note: If you are afraid to try this little test, then the addition is pretty far along already and you will need a serious intervention) Life happens outside screen time. Let me repeat, L.I. F.E. happens outside screen time. If LIFE is not experienced as a child, then when will they learn to live it?

                                All of us have the ability to rise up to do great things in this precious life, ALL of us have that little diamond nugget of a seed inside our hearts that, when listened too, can guide us in the right direction, but first we must be taught that it's even possible to reach great heights and that yes, we have the ability to follow our big dreams and that is called hope. We must look for and surround ourselves with people in our life that carry this hope, that inspire us and expect us to be our best selves. Last, we must raise our children to reconnect with their own simple, self-driven inner contentment so that they may live a life with purpose, and full self -awareness. 

Inspiring our children to have a healthy lifestyle

   
                 My daughter and I were in the car the other day and she noticed a runner. Having done a few races in the past few months has made her super aware of runners. She yells out, "look mom it's a runner, but he's not in a race because he does not have a number on him!'. Both my children know what the difference is between a marathon and a half marathon and no longer get upset when I get ready Sunday mornings to go on my 2-3 hour runs. There is no doubt in my mind that them seeing me run will make them also lead active lifestyles in the future. 

             Having a girl makes me ultra aware of my own verbalized views about my body. As odd as I feel saying out loud, 'mommy feels so beautiful today', or 'These shorts makes my legs look strong.' I want my daughter to grow up being thankful to have a working, healthy body. My teen years were filled with a mix of envy for waif girls and self-hatred for all the ways in which my body looked....like me. 

            When the kids were smaller we'd take them to Rock Creek Park around the corner for longer and longer hikes on the weekends. Just letting them run around in nature wherever their little hearts desired was always very mood-altering for both kids. We actually sought out these walks as a way to get them back to 'normal' on weekends when they would be particularly difficult to deal with in the apartment. 

           I have noticed some parents will place their kids into sports of which the child may not be necessarily interested in. I don't believe this is a good approach. Last year, Luke began to show interest in baseball. Chris, my awesome hubby and dad, would take him out almost daily for about an hour or two to hit and play ball. Luke loved baseball enough that he did not mind practicing those long hours daily. As a teacher I have noticed that children do not mind spending enormous amount of time doing something they love, yet, if asked to do something they are only half-way interested; they will never be good at it, because the passion is not there. That secret ingredient, passion, is what makes a life feel well lived and we should all wish that for our children. Making kids do things, join clubs and teams they do not care for I feel is absolutely detrimental for their future ability to feel like they are the creators of their own lives. They will be grown men and women one day and teaching them to make choices based on how they feel about the activity needs to begin sooner than later. 

My intimate relationship with running

                        This weekend ran 13.1 miles at one time as my 'long run'. The entire time I was running I felt this huge sense of gratitude that would every so often wash over me and bring a smile to my face. This positive mood could have been brought on by the fact that it was a beautiful morning and my run felt generally good and even hills felt easy. There are days when the entire run can feel like torture, so the fact that this one began and continued strong was a plus. I felt gratitude for having powerful legs that could make this now feel easy, when just a few months back it was a literal impossibility to run that far. I also felt gratitude for having a husband that was supportive of my leaving him with the kids for over two and half hours, I felt gratitude that I had gotten enough sleep the night before to be able to wake up and truly feel I could do this. 

                    While running I kept coming back to one single overriding feeling, and that was pride. I felt a sense of pride for being able to run this long and this far and how this feeling of pride was new to me. Never before did I genuine felt deserving of allowing myself to truly experience pride. I have reached many accomplishments in my life that some might think I could feel proud of, yet, somehow this one, of pushing myself far and long, most genuinely feels like an accomplishment, more so than graduating from graduate school, or landing the job of my dreams, or finding a great mate to marry, or bearing children. Being able to push my body to its limit and surviving it is to me, the most amazing thing I have done and I cannot wait to see what else I can do...the more I can do the more my mind opens up and allows the flood of possibilities to water the seeds of my dreams.

Change Through Manipulation vs. Inspiration

                                   Have you ever tried to change someone because there was just something about them that you could not live with? I have? Want to know what happened? Long-story-short, I failed miserably. Not just once, but thousands, over thousands of times. I do not in any way regret these early attempts at hopeless causes. On the contrary, futile attempts at changing what cannot be changed is a great lesson for people like me (many years back) who still hold a smidgen of hope that maybe, just maybe coercion, force and manipulation can bring about lasting personal transformation in another. After having failed miserably so many times you come to know, in your blood, that no one ever genuinely changes the fundamentals of who they are unless it's self-driven. The 'seed of change', if you may, must come from within the person for the change to be genuine. 

                                    This is where inspiration comes in. Anytime I have ever taken on a cause or made any decision to change my life has been through the inspiration gained from someone I admire. I visualize myself as a melange of hundreds of people whom I have met and have moved me. I am not referring to celebrities or famous people at all, just regular people I have been lucky to meet on my journey but whom have gifted me some of their qualities by simply being in presence. On the flip side, I've also learned that only in becoming a person worthy of my own admiration do I begin to influence others to seek their higher selves too. In sharing my running adventures on this blog I mostly aim to unveil how easy and incrementally manageable it is to reach your furthest and most demanding goals, that dreams do come true. Seeing others become inspired through my journey has been amazing. To know you helped another find all the same treasures you've been uncovering is a huge extra bonus to this whole adventure. 

                                    So you want to change huh? look around you? find people you admire fully or even partly....and let their presence fill you. Allow yourself to be moved by others and seek the company of people who challenge you to become more, bigger, better. Emotionally, if not physically, detach from people who repel you or have nothing to add to your life but drama, pain and fear. Having trouble finding anyone inspiring? Just become, act, dress like that person you think you want to be and before you know it inspiring people will be in your space.