I have been struggling lately....not the kind of struggling you can see really. People like me never really visibly display their actual real struggles....if you know me, I can ask you, "when was the last time I really needed you to bring me up?" exactly, "never."..... But the struggle is there, incessant, always whispering, always this weight, looming above me. The struggle is a lagging sense of stagnant energy. It creates anxiety, restlessness, general crankiness. Running, thankfully, alleviates it but if two, three days go by and I don't run the negative feeling always creeps in, without fail.
Being in nature is one of the few antidotes that pulls back the curtains and allows some positivity to come through again. Also, cooking, watching movies, and listening to others' new and innovative ideas, etc...all give me a sense of purpose and a renewed sense of hope. Anything that manages to get me out of my own head helps me gets past it. But at the bottom of it all the main cause is always this fight I have with my body....If ever in your life you have not been under control of what happens to your body you develop a disconnect with it, I believe a lot of my body issues stem form these past experiences where I did not have control of my body and what happened to it. This struggle, it's been such a longstanding fight now that I don't care to hear one more advice, I don't care to follow anyone's brilliant success stories, but I also I don't want to have this struggle with my body anymore and frankly I am at a loss.
I know my motto is "never give up" but 100% of me is having a hard time maintaining this beacon statement of positivity ...right now, I am feeling like giving up running and giving up my big dreams... They feel heavy, burdensome, annoying even. I share this on here not to seek help; this is not something anyone can really help me with anyway, this is something I know I must tackle on my own and I know I can and I will....I share this on here because I know this is not a struggle I alone experience. Everyone around me has these struggles and they too hardly show them to the world.
As far as answers to a way out, right now, as things stand, I have zero answers except for the idea of 'withdrawal'. Withdrawal seems to be the only solution that gives me solace at the moment so that is what I will do until a better answer pops up in my head. I will withdraw....how this withdrawal looks, again, might be completely imperceptible to all my friends and family, but I will know it ad that is what matters. Like all other strong waves of sadnesses that have come to pass through me in the past, I am trusting this one will also come to pass and I will again feel fine in its wake...Most importantly, based on past knowledge, I choose not to fight it. It is what it is....no opinions, no fights, no drama, no weaving of narratives to make it more or less than it is, no pushing away of, just pure acceptance.
The plan was 13.1 miles on the Jones Beach Bikeway off of Cedar Creek Park at 6am, instead it turned out to be 12 miles at 7am which only 7 were running miles and 5 were walking, but sometimes you have to readjust your goals depending on he circumstances.
I did not happen to look at the weather report that day. Normally I do, yet, this time around I had assumed it would be cook enough. I woke up and seeing as I'm staying at my mom's house we got to talking as I drank up her jet black coffee. We talked for an hour and finally got to the trailhead at 7am. I followed a 4:1 run:walk ratio for 7 miles. The path was cool but full of bugs, my compression shorts tore at my inner thigh and I was bitten by sand flies every time I slowed down. At first it was cool, then I was in full sunlight all the way to the beach. Once at the beach (mile 5), I found a bathroom and repaired my shorts with a safety pin I happened to have on my hydration vest, lubes up my inner upper arms where I tend to chafe and took off my top, wet it, wet my cap and continued on my way. 10 minutes later my top and hat were again bone dry and I could not get cook enough.
At mile 7 my body could not get cool enough and I chose to walk until I could get cool enough to run again. I felt bad for walking for about half a mile until I noticed that even walking would be a challenge in this heat. I began to feel dizzy; even walking I could not get cool enough. I finished off my last salt pill and noticed I may not have packed enough, I needed far more than 3 pills with the amount of sweating I was doing.
I was never happier to see the end of a bike path as I was during this run. Got to my car, stretched, drove home and started my day. Despite not having met my initial goal I felt like a superstar. I ran in 87 degree weather, with a humidity of 70% and did good time for the time I did run. Most importantly, I did not give up. I also figured all this training will come in handy somewhere.
This is the path on the Jones Beach Bikeway off of Cedar Creek Park
almost done!
Loved seeing this patch of grass growing through the pavement.
almost a surreal view....bee on flower.....
