Who are you without that race shirt?

           Who are you without that race shirt?

I have been tossing around the idea of how some athletes, including myself, might at some point use our race gear to hide or to feel more emboldened in areas where we might feel a bit shy. Now hear me out. I find it perfectly okay when I see runners proudly display their gear. I myself cannot live without wearing my race tops everywhere. They are like a sweet reminder of badassery activity from the not-so-distant past. Yet, could there be such as thing as doing it for the wrong reasons? I fear that maybe the answer is 'sometimes'. For example, I myself, have often veered towards using a race shirt, to the gym, for example, especially on my 'feeling-less-than-confident' days. Wearing a top earned at my favorite race, for example, absolutely adds a little more confidence, especially when I might not be quite feeling it that day. In addition, as a Buddhist who is always trying to let go of all types of inner fears and always practicing deeper and deeper levels of self-acceptance, I do not like this occasional dependence I feel to wear a race shirt to feel better. IF I WERE to need to hide behind a race shirt that I then should work on not needing this so much. The worry comes from the idea that If wearing that shirt becomes a total dire necessity, not just a simple adornment, then what does that say about who we think we really are beneath all that gear? Byron Katie, a self-help guru whose books I adore, always asks the poignant question, "Who would you be without your story?". In asking us that question she pushes us to really question who we think we are behind all the narrative, all the medals, all the labels, whatever it is that we use to define ourselves to the external world. In a perfect world I should not feel the need to flaunt my accomplishments so externally, or so intensely or even all the time in order for my essence to come across clearly to others. In a perfect world I would very much hope that my own personality would stand on its own, without the need to embellish it with anything extra. And of course, I want to wear that shirt, display the 26.2 stickers and show off the my medals but not if without it I really think I'm nothing.

Running as refuge

           Getting ready for a long run requires a lot of calculations. First, you get all the variables, how fast you think you can run, how many miles, when is sunrise, how many of those miles will begin at the gym on the treadmill and how many on the trails, and which trails, when am I needed back at home, the temperature tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to my 18 miler in the morning. Four and half hours of me time....heaven. 

            Yet, planning all this is tough enough with all other activities that come with being a mom to a 12 and a 10-year-old. Four our of 5 weekdays we have some form of evening event after work. Then, on top of that add on my current severe downs that I have been experiencing lately. I am not sure if my downs are due to hormonal changes in my aging body or just maybe tiredness from work, maybe, just maybe it's the news of all these natural disasters and the sadness that come with that news.  No matter what it is, it has been very tough dealing with these downs and luckily running helps get me back on track... somewhat. 

             It's not only the act of running and the exercise and the exhaustion that helps me get back on track either. Running gives me a sense of self-dependence that I desperately need right now. Trust and lack thereof has been a huge issue this year, on so many levels. Erratic behavior in others has made me withdraw and increased my need to depend only on myself more and more.  I could definitively say at this point I feel most at peace when I am alone. I am aware that I am taking a sabbatical from a lot but for now I am quite comfortable here. Not sure if running is helping or hindering me, but at this moment I am going to follow only my comfort level, like I would a compass. Currently, my personal sense of personal comfort is the only barometer in which I blindly trust. This is huge. For someone like myself who has spent an enormous chunk of her adult life being there for others, right now, I am unable to do be that person, yet, for the first time, I am allowing myself not to feel guilty, which feels very nice to not have that pressure....deep in me I must know my limits well and I know that right now, I just simply can only bear to carry myself and those immediately in my care. 

               Therefore, Sundays are reset days. On Sundays I let out my adventurous self out and for 3 to 5 hours I get to only take care of my own needs and not have to negotiate levels of care for anyone but me. Like a mom caring for an infant, on my long runs I baby myself. If tired, I take a GU, if thirsty I drink, if chafing, I apply vaseline and so on. Running is my refuge for now, more than ever, and despite my occasional stints with my downs I am able to stay on top of it thanks to the deep level of self-sufficiency and strength this sport gives me every time I lace up my sneakers. I am feeling so lucky to have a trusty tool that can help me save my own life and sanity, day after day. 

Highlights to my day-

          There is NOTHING more exciting to my morning than having my own home-made tea. This one has mint leaves, blueberry leaves from my garden and slices of ginger. I let it sit for about 10 minutes and then drink the entire thing, which is about 2 cups worth.  

My first crop! 3 tomatoes, not ready yet though....can't wait to have them. I also have chives, beans, kale, lettuce, strawberries, blueberries, mint, cilantro, peppers and mint growing in my garden. 

Someone in my neighborhood got rid of some crib sides and guess who got them? I created a triangle with them over my strawberries, which keep being eaten by wildlife. I need to cover them now with some thin material so that bugs and birds don't get to them. I also used some recycled some wood Nora had me buy last year for a woodworking project she was going to work on but never did to hold up my many bean plants. I am not crazy about beans but with the shady gardens I have been dealt I am willing to grow what wants to grow, and it seems like beans want to grow here. 

Tears of joy

            Tears of pure joy!! 16 miles and fastest half marathon distance this year!! NEVER.GIVE.UP. This training season has been quite torturous. I have not been able to lose some of the weight I have put on since my last race (Nov. 2015) and therefore I automatically thought I would not be able to run the same pace as I have done before. Although that remains somewhat true, I have been getting faster little by little, week by week. After my 16 miler today I got this alert on my Garmin that I have 2 new records....Longest run and fastest half marathon distance!! wow. This one run today was very strong. I ran up most of the hills except the ones at the very end and the huge ones. 

Today was also a beautiful morning! The moon was out behind these ever so lightly breezy clouds, the air felt cool and fresh and new, even though the humidity, online,  said otherwise. Surprisingly, the humidity was still very high, 95%; this is even higher than it was last week!, luckily, it was a lot cooler than last week. 

I relaxed into my run listening to some new Bachata songs on Spotify. The pace of bachata matches my pace white well and the lyrics are always pretty entertaining, all about unrequited love and lovemaking, pretty amusing. Here is the view of my flashlight on the street before sunrise. This is one of the darkest streets I run on and there is this 1/4 mile wall on each side of the street. My amazing flashlight is able to illuminate the whole street and I feel quite safe and secure once I flash my lights all around once over and no one is on the street. 

The sun shows up behind the shadows. By mile 4 the sun starts to creep in, but seeing as it's cloudy, it's darker for much longer. Nevertheless I am always amazed at the many faces of the sky. This one id other-worldly. 

I finally put the flashlight away in my hydration pack pocket and I just LOVE this wide street....saw zero runners until about mile 7...

Zion (below) is the most twisty and hilly street. I was getting pretty annoyed with how many roller coaster-like dips I had to run on.

Found a nice little side path on Zion. It was a really nice path with the exception of the highly uneven pavement covered with pine needles. 

            So week 10 is complete! 6 weeks to go....Although I am getting faster there is still a good chance that I might get pulled off the course for being below pace. I am trying to train without worrying about it, but I am also making sure that no matter what happens I will be okay....I have put blood, sweat and tears into this training and no one can take that away...Of course, I'd love a medal, but, nothing can take away the strength and power these weeks of training has brought me so far; and I have not even run my 20 miler yet. 

Perdona si te hago llorar
Perdona si te hago sufrir
Pero es que no esta en mis manos
Pero es que no esta en mis manos
Me he enamorado, me he enamorado
Me enamore
Perdona si te causo dolor
Perdona si te digo adiós
Como decirle que te amo
Como decirle que te amo
Si el ha preguntado
Le he dicho que no
Le he dicho que no

Soy honesta con el y contigo
A el lo quiero y a ti te he olvidado
Si tu quieres seremos amigos
Yo te ayudo a olvidar el pasado
No te aferres, no te aferres
A un imposible, ya no te hagas
Ni me hagas más daño, no

Tu bien sabes
Que no fue mi culpa
Tu te fuiste sin decirme nada
Y a pesar que llore como nunca
Yo seguía de ti enamorada
Pero te fuiste
Y que regresabas

Week nine done!!

             Week nine is done!!! yes! I am finally showered and sitting in my comfy bed typing and the run is completed. I feel quite amazing thank you very much. I did not meet my time goal unfortunately, but I will chuck that up to 82% humidity at 5am. The minute I stepped out of my air-conditioned home the air felt heavy and I was sweating profusely for the entire run.

 

            Before every long run I always take a good look at my bare feet and jokingly ask them if they're ready. Getting up this morning was tough but from experience I know that if I wake for any reason at 4am and my alarm is set for 4:15, I am not going back to bed, so I got up and my feet got the question. "Nope, I am not ready", they answered me. 

I have this obsession with C9 undies from Target. They now made a much better version and I got two sets of three. They MUST say Seamless performance...you will not regret! They feel amazing!!

         I let go of my time goal from the very get go. I had a time goal last week and that was fine, but with the humidity I was not about to risk getting burned out too soon. I felt so happy being back on my dark streets with my trusty super-powerful flashlight in one hand and my pepper spray in the other. The minute the sun came up I put both away and enjoyed having nothing in my hands. The humidity level lowered around 7am to 46% and every once in a while there was a gust of wind. 

            No matter how slow I run, I love feeling my legs moving beneath me. 

               The image below was taken at mile 5. Just feeling so blessed the whole run. The lowered humidity helped me feel better and run faster. I listened to two shows on Marathon Training Academy podcast and the miles went by pretty fast. I normally don't put on music until the 2nd half of the run. 

Good-bye shadow from street lights, hello sun shadows. 

Mile 8....

My camera refused to focus on this huge spider and web that stood out on my run....I love spiders. 

And finally, the sun comes out in full dramatic fashion. I need to paint this...

Mile 11....finally on the trails. I was further slowed down by the pebbles that cover half the lake trails. The paved parts were heavenly but on pebbles my ankles were screaming. 

              These signs (below) were posted everywhere around Lake Accotink...once again, society is supposed to just blindly trust weapon holders. The "what ifs" are endless, but we are supposed to just believe that all hunters know what they're doing without a shadow of a doubt. Made me sad for I just witnessed a beautiful deer with her fawns a few days ago in this same park....will they be the innocent victims of some overzealous bow and arrow hunter?  Sorry, I just don't get it, never will.  

This image below is what I shared on my Instagram account. 

I got to my son's double header game at 9:37am....went into the ports-potty there and changed my bra and top and sat for 5 hours watching his games. The day was absolutely perfect!! Any day that ends with baseball is a wonderful day!

New tank top

Answer is...NO, I am not this huge.....it's a camera thing seems like. I tried taking it from various other angles and the same enormous results. So, I just went with the one with the MOST enormous results. 

Funny huh? 

Week 7 done!

             This was a great run! I got up at 4:10am and got ready. Luckily I went to bed on time and getting up required no effort. I got dressed, lubed up, filled my water, and out the door I went. The air was so humid....88% humidity at 4:50am. How is that for hot? Of course I began to sweat immediately. 

To make the runs go faster, well not GO faster....to make the runs FEEL like they are going faster I always listen to podcasts on the first half of any run. It forces me to slow down and also keeps me occupied on thoughts and not my body. I listened to a total of three posts from Spartan Up podcast. 

. 

                      This is one of my earliest runs for a long time and I realized that initially I was a bit spooked running on my own, but soon regained the confidence I have always had in the dark mornings. Soon I eased into my run and relaxed and most importantly, stopped turning to look behind me as if someone would jump out any minute. 

Again, my friend, the shadow. I should do an art work with these shadow shapes. There is a comfort that seeing them give me. I don't need to turn around to check for anyone, for shadows don't lie, omit or change facts....I will surely see anyone sneaking up behind me thanks to shadows. 

            This is right before sunrise...maybe another 40 minutes to go before the sun fully shows itself. 

              And here comes another day. There is something so sacred about ushering in the sun and being there to witness it. Perhaps it's because it brings to mind the idea of hope, possibilities, promise, so much can happen in a day.....bad OR good. I know this is super morbid, but this may very well be my last day and I am privileged enough to see THE moment the sun broke through the horizon and aware enough to really appreciate it to the bottom of my heart. Again, so much can happen in ONE day, for example, yesterday was Victoria Marten's last day. Victoria was a 10-year-old that was drugged, raped, strangled to death and dismembered by her mother and her boyfriend just hours before her birthday party. Today, during my whole run I kept going back to this poor girl's last day, last hour, last breath and cried and prayed as I ran and sent her little soul amazing love and dedicated all my painful miles to her short life and her innocent soul. Moments like these I know that running will be with me until I die, I will be that old lady who shuffles out daily for her morning run. Running has helped me process my life in an emotionally healthy and productive way. We might not be able to change what's going on out there but we can work on ourselves, and make our little circle of connections the best, most loving community we can create. Unfortunately, and no matter what we do though there will be many more Victorias just as there are millions of innocent animals in slaughterhouses living miserable lives just to feed us all or how there are thousands upon thousands of dogs pressed in cages by the dozens in North Korea ready to be cooked alive...but if we can conquer this hill before us through pain and/or tears, we might also be able to conquer jealousy or greed, discontent and boredom.....life is so much richer through running. 

            Sunshine against the gate.....gorgeous picture. 

You know it's super early when your shadow is super LONG!

And I'm back home!!

Tried out my new bra today.....no, I did not chafe in the old spots where my old bras would hurt me.....now I have a new spot where I chafe.....how funny is that? Even trying to escape chafing mirrors life. You think all your troubles will go away with something new and shiny only to find a host of new problems.....I had to laugh.....and when I got into the shower I had to cry.....

Fashionista

I'm I have been shopping for more awesome workout clothes this month....here is the new pair of compression shorts I got myself. I did not initially notice the horizontal stripes on the shorts when I ordered but man, my ass looks very ROUND in them.....but heck, it is what it is....round it is. 

The back of my workout top is mesh, which helps keep me cool....also looks great with my workout bra peeking from underneath. Above, is me after 4 fast miles on the treadmill where I sprinted at the end, using my no-injury method run of sprinting the last 10% of the runs. Overall, I'm very happy with my run today....super easy. Some days it's pure head run and some days my body can handle the run, without much coaxing. 

Had to get clogs to support my feet at work....once work starts I am on my feet for at least 7 hours a day and not JUST on my feet, walking! Look, these even have a heavy duty rubber support on the bottoms. Considering that last and only ever injury was caused by a fall in my classroom, this rubber addition is essential. 

Seeing as I am working out with weights for the past 3 months now I needed to be refitted for a better fitting bra.....I am a DD now!! yikes!.....hope this is more muscle than fat...LOL. Nevertheless here is the bra I got myself. Moving Comfort brand, of course. But the red and black combo just look pretty nice. I have permanent chafing on my bra line both in front and in my back now, and hoping these will not do the same markings on my body.