Struggles on the path....

           I have been struggling lately....not the kind of struggling you can see really. People like me never really visibly display their actual real struggles....if you know me, I can ask you, "when was the last time I really needed you to bring me up?" exactly, "never."..... But the struggle is there, incessant, always whispering, always this weight, looming above me. The struggle is a lagging sense of stagnant energy. It creates anxiety, restlessness, general crankiness. Running, thankfully, alleviates it but if two, three days go by and I don't run the negative feeling always creeps in, without fail. 

            Being in nature is one of the few antidotes that pulls back the curtains and allows some positivity to come through again. Also, cooking, watching movies, and listening to others' new and innovative ideas, etc...all give me a sense of purpose and a renewed sense of hope. Anything that manages to get me out of my own head helps me gets past it. But at the bottom of it all the main cause is always this fight I have with my body....If ever in your life you have not been under control of what happens to your body you develop a disconnect with it, I believe a lot of my body issues stem form these past experiences where I did not have control of my body and what happened to it. This struggle, it's been such a longstanding fight now that I don't care to hear one more advice, I don't care to follow anyone's brilliant success stories, but I also I don't want to have this struggle with my body anymore and frankly I am at a loss. 

             I know my motto is "never give up" but 100% of me is having a hard time maintaining this beacon statement of positivity ...right now, I am feeling like giving up running and giving up my big dreams... They feel heavy, burdensome, annoying even. I share this on here not to seek help; this is not something anyone can really help me with anyway, this is something I know I must tackle on my own and I know I can and I will....I share this on here because I know this is not a struggle I alone experience. Everyone around me has these struggles and they too hardly show them to the world. 

               As far as answers to a way out, right now, as things stand, I have zero answers except for the idea of 'withdrawal'. Withdrawal seems to be the only solution that gives me solace at the moment so that is what I will do until a better answer pops up in my head. I will withdraw....how this withdrawal looks, again, might be completely imperceptible to all my friends and family, but I will know it ad that is what matters. Like all other strong waves of sadnesses that have come to pass through me in the past, I am trusting this one will also come to pass and I will again feel fine in its wake...Most importantly, based on past knowledge, I choose not to fight it. It is what it is....no opinions, no fights, no drama, no weaving of narratives to make it more or less than it is, no pushing away of, just pure acceptance. 

Two weeks from marathon

          I am two weeks from MCM and my confidence is shot and my mood is foul. I'm not sure why I feel this way really. Being a practicing buddhist and a runner has taught me to just learn to sit with the emotions as they come, and allow them to come and go naturally without a rush. Therefore, instead of fighting them or trying to get rid of them, for the past few days I've been low and watching these feelings come and go. Most likely my hormones are going crazy, but I can't be , seeing as I have not been to a doctor (nor will I be going). Yet, for someone like me, who is normally super busy with always something going on, one would ever see it or recognize that these things are going on in me. But, this week  HAS been super tough, getting up at 4 or 5am and making myself go running, or going to the gym or even feeling good about my second 20 miler in 8 days, which SHOULD be a no-brainer. I'm not saying I'm not proud of this run. I do feel proud that I was able to finish a second 20 miler in 8 days, something I have not done for my other marathons, ever! But, a large part of me feels somewhat numb overall. Of course, I did a gratuitous 20-miler (19.5 actually) and I should be feeling quite awesome indeed, but nope, I'm struggling to celebrate, or even feel generally good at all. Again, it might be my hormones going crazy. When no real reasons exist for one's negative feelings, it's most likely hormones and I have to simply ignore and/or distrust my thoughts for some time. Nevertheless, knowing the WHY does not necessarily solve it. I have been quite a witch lately. It's not easy for my family to experience me in this mood. 

               About the run, this was a fairly easy run. Having already done my initial 20-miler I had a lot less pressure for this run. I did run a very easy 17 miles and then I hit the trails where there was gravel. Oh, I don't like gravel at all. My ankles have a really hard time adjusting to the unevenness of it and I ended up walking most of the remaining miles. I did beat myself up over it for the entire 3 miles but was not about to make it up at all, I was spent and I was D.O.N.E. But what a gorgeous fall day it turned out to be Sunday and it was all mine! I did not see even one human being either running or walking until hour 3 of my run. So you see, the streets did belong to me from 5am to almost 8am!

I LOOOOVE seeing funny things on my runs.....looks like someone emptied the entire contents of their oven on the sidewalk.....As much as I hate to see liter and litterers this was quite amusing.....

Speed miles hoorah!!

      I have been super worried about the 14minute/mile restriction on the Marine Corps Marathon; I do not want to be pulled off the course and be unable to finish the race. The last ling run I did my average was pretty slow. I asked the runners on the Women's Running Network on Facebook and got several good suggestions, most of them had to do with doing either speed drills or hill work. Yesterday, when my lungs were all stuffed up, I sped walked uphill on the treadmill for 4 miles. Today, I ran 6 and the last two were finished in 18 minutes! Not sure how accurate the miles on a treadmill are, but I was smokin'.....it was one of those runs that felt absolutely effortless. 

I treated myself to a few figs after my run....only a few. They are way sweet....you can't really have too many. 

I have been experimenting with putting more greens in my juices.....this one has peppers, bok choi, celery....and for sweetness carrots and one beet. It was a bit too bitter so I blended the whole thing with one banana. 

      Not sure when I will have time to read now that school is starting up again....but I cannot wait to dig into it tonight. I wish I was one of those people who could read while running on the treadmill....since I cannot possibly pull that off without losing my balance, falling and breaking my neck, I choose to listen to comedians. Today I enjoyed Jim Norton.....anyone who can make me laugh through the drudgery of the first few miles is worth listening to....of course, for me to like him he's got to be super crude and boarding inappropriate. 

New tank top

Answer is...NO, I am not this huge.....it's a camera thing seems like. I tried taking it from various other angles and the same enormous results. So, I just went with the one with the MOST enormous results. 

Funny huh? 

How I started running.....

           Growing up my mom worked as a housekeeper for a successful entertainment lawyer. Every summer my younger sister, mom and I, we'd go stay in their large home in East Hampton, NY and her bosses, a wonderful warm and caring couple with 3 children, would often invite me to go running with them, so much so that it became a routine we maintained for several summers to come. I became a runner running the streets of East Hampton NY with both of them on my side, and afterwards just me continuing the habit; often hopping by the beach to look at and hear the ocean waves before carrying on my route. It was my special thing that I did, it was my savior, my love, even then. Although I won't share deep intimate details here about my childhood, in my home life at that time things were not going so well (and that is putting it very mildly), but running took me away from all that, an hour at a time. The streets of East Hampton, NY were quiet, peaceful and very wide and the extravagant million dollar houses sat on large, perfectly cared-for lawns. The air always smelled like fresh cut grass combined with honey suckle and the ocean was audible, specially at night as we drifted to sleep under the expansive star-filled skies. 
              But running did not end with the summers, I grew older and as a teen would run laps around the Reservoir in Central Park, which sat about a quarter mile from my high school, Marymount School of NY in Manhattan. This was around the time of the infamous and horrific Central Park rape and I remember even then taking some needed precautions, of course, but thinking to myself that there is NO WAY I will stop running. I was fearless. Running gave me a feeling of invincibility and I was hooked. 

          Then, when I was in college at Smith, in Western Massachusetts, I ran there too....I would wake early and either run around campus or run around the track indoors with my anorexic roommate that never did anything but complain about being fat, while all along being 1/2 my weight. Each one of these periods in time I would have such a strong emotional need and connection to running that I knew it was a life-sustaining kind necessity, just like water or food are to us, no doubt in my mind this was ab.so.lute.ly something I could not live without. 

              Even today, I can safely say I would not be alive if it were not for running. Although I have never been officially identified as having clinical depression, I know I have struggled with deep dark feelings and seen rock bottom so many times.  Only the continued practice of running can truly fight and fend back these dark places of depression that creep up the minute I let off the gas. Luckily, I feel a very strong need from my body if I even go two days without running. Two things begin to happen in strong unrelenting force  One, I start to notice every damn runner I see and secretly wish I were them. Two, I begin to envision my own legs running no matter what song comes on the radio. God forbid a highly compatible running song comes on, then the feeling to go out and run will totally take over and infect every thought until I fulfill the desire. 
                     Tomorrow I need to run 12 miles as part of my marathon training for marathon #7. As always, I don't know how I will even begin to wrap my mind AND body around the distance, but deep inside I know I will finish it. Not one doubt in my mind. I look forward to the adventure of greeting in the sunlight and watching the sky turn from dark, to brightness and observe the world very slowly wake to a new day. 

                 

Week 5 done-

This was my first real long run outdoors for a long time. I picked a very bad day to do this. It was so incredibly humid that I had to take almost 4 salt pills to replenish all the salt I was loosing through sweating. I was due to run 10 miles, yet it was more like a 6 mile run and a 3 mile run/walk. Nevertheless, I was so happy to make it home and vowed to complete the missed mile the next day....oh, and at the gym.  

Marathon training week number four DONE!

                             Ran 8 miles. It's been ages since I have run 8 miles. I wish I had some very effective way of logging my miles so I could tell exactly when it was that I ran this far before. Anyway, this was an entirely head run. Every part of me was begging me to stop all the way up to mile 6. After mile 6 things became a bit easier. Maybe the electrolyte I took was what helped me. Nevertheless, I was not giving up. I had to walk a few times at the beginning, but after about 30 seconds I would start back up and try my best to become distracted somehow. This time I watched a movie on my IPAD until the battery died and then listened to music for the last 2 miles. 

                 I got a white Dahlia in my garden. It's actually on its way out. We just got back from being in NY for 2 weeks, so I missed its best stage. 

               A woman on the Women's Running Network on Facebook posted her feet with a pedicure. Sorry, that is something I do not do....at all. So here are my feet....the best you will ever see them....period. 

           Got home, stretched, then went out to the grocery store to get veggies to make juice for my husband and myself. Had 2 giant glasses so far. This one has 10 large carrots, 2 large apples, 1 whole celery plant and 2 beets. 

Cheers!!

               So after being gone for 2 weeks I come home to this letter (see below). After my initial panic, tears and texts to friends and chat with hubby (....oh and some googling what this means) I am finally a bit more relaxed....unfortunately, I have to wait OVER a WEEK to go to the 'follow-up' appointment  for we are leaving town for a week to see my mother-in-law. No matter what happens I feel a bit more prepared now.....also, until I have confirmation of something more serious I will try to keep my mind off of this issue. 

For dinner tonight I used my new spiralizer, which was a gift from my good friend, Jenna! 

I cooked shrimp and made zucchini pasta with the spiralizer. 

Week three marathon training done

 

                    This morning I got up not quite sure whether or not I could really do this. Last week after my long run of 6 miles (2nd week marathon training) I was basically unable to walk the next day. I started to worry that the injury that has plagued me for almost 3 months now would stop me at my tracks. But miraculously, and thanks to ibuprofen, compression and warm compresses the next day it was gone. But I was determined to take it slow the first 6 miles and then sprint the last, which is exactly what I did. During the firs 6 miles I watched a part of Mission Impossible and for the last mile I listened to my super monster playlist with all the tunes that make me move. I call this my no injury ratio. 

Here I am when I left the gym. Just so happy. 

         Here I am STILL glowing after I got to my mom's. My foot felt fine, I was mobile, felt strong and overall extremely proud. But I was also famished. I am obsessed with concord grapes. So OBSESSED that I could easily eat 3 lbs. of them in one sitting, IF I wanted to. But this bowl is all that was left of the 10 lbs. I bought in Virginia before we came to NY. 

               When I got home I saw I had gotten a package. It was my birthday present to me....of course a running gift!! Three amazing new and beautiful Sweaty Bands! Not only that but my hubby's birthday present to me was a year's subscription of UltraRunner, the magazine. If I could get running gifts (and garden gifts) for the rest of my life I will gladly take it. 

Rehoboth Beach Marathon

                    We get to the hotel and my only concern was how I would get to the race the next morning. I get this number and call it to set up a pick up. Took about 8 minutes to get there in the morning and was surprised at how easy it was to get to the start line, get my bib and my t-shirt. The race had this tubs for people to put their belongings in but we were told right off they would not really be keeping track of them much. 

          I walked to Dunkin Donuts and they had a holiday tree there with donuts on them. 

            I was early enough that I could walk down the beach and see the sunrise. I met three very nice ladies who took my picture. I wish I had gotten their contact info, but as it most often goes in these races, you make friends and then forget to share your information. I was surprised how close the beach was to town....it was a very nice morning.

             Me having a banana and half a peanut butter sandwich with my Dunkin Donuts coffee before the race.

                     T- minus 20 minutes....

                   After the race Rehoboth Beach Marathon threw a big ol' party. I had previously paid for my husband to also get the post-race lunch and kids ate free. The music was amazing and we all had a great time....oh, did I mention the FREE BEER....all you can drink? 

            The medal....I am finally a Marathon Maniac!! 3 marathons in 41 days. 

        Big boys always have a good time, as long as there is food. 

        Enjoying my free beer and meal....

              My son, who is rarely allowed to drink soda, gets to drink soda.....very fun. 

             Family photo.....we should have turned the other way I know....but my legs were too lazy and tired.

                At night we go out to the town to a family dinner....Nora, orders soup with me. A rainy cold night, not like the daytime....which, lucky for us, was a very nice day. 

       I love rain and I love Rehoboth...so overall this evening was so nice. The next day was so, so cold, we were all thankful that the race was not on Sunday for that would have been way too cold.....hopefully next year the weather will be the same....cool, but not windy. 

         Next morning we go to IHOP for breakfast. 

            Luke of course orders a chocolate pancake, the adult size....

I am absolutely going to do this race again...it was so much fun.....very quaint, friendly, awesome volunteers, awesome course, great after-party!!!