I have long ago stopped caring who has unfriended me on Facebook due to my excessive running-related posts. Facebook is a microcosm of humanity and as in real life, we have all kinds on there. We have the Jesus posts, the food posts, the "look at my cute baby" posts, the teen bathroom selfie posts....oh, they are all perfect just the way they are. So I figured, if someone walks out of my life because I annoyed them with my harmless running posts, maybe that's actually a good thing.
Now, more important to me on FB are the people whom I inspire and in turn, the people who inspire me. There are days when I may not feel up to doing a workout and that very day someone posts all their pictures of some epic hike and that alone pushes me to get out there too.
Today on Facebook, at 7am, I posted about a 2-minute PR in my 5K time along with a photo of me gleaming with happiness. I doubt most of my 500+ FB friends even know what a PR means, but I don't care. The few who do will find it interesting or inspiring, some might scroll by, some might be curious enough to Google it.....but none of those outcomes are things I bother thinking about whatsoever. I simply find it essential to put it out there and not worry too much about how it's taken. It's important to, as Seth Godin says, "just show up". I also find it even more important that someone like me, a curvier runner, to show up so that others just like me in size or age can see that it is possible to keep on moving.
So yes, this morning I did run a 2-minute PR on my 5K and I wanted to scream out my success on the treadmill, but I could not. I wanted to scream about it in the gym shower, but obviously, that would not be seen an sane.....social media allowed me to share it at 7am, when even my own family was still in bed.
Happy running everyone.
I have come to the point in my training where I have everything I need gear-wise. I have my summer shorts that easily pair off with one of my race shirts for when it's warm, I have a slew of expensive running socks that work well to prevent blisters. I have half a dozen Sweaty Bands that look amazing on my head. For winter, I have my favorites too, all the way down to the warm hat and ipod-friendly gloves. Therefore, except for the occasional shoe replacement and weekly GU's and s-caps for my long runs, I am pretty much all set. I liken this stage to getting past the 'honeymoon' stage in any endeavor, from house buying, marriage, having a baby, buying a new fancy car and on and on. Now is when the real running begins. Now it's when I get to appreciate running for running's sake and not for the cool things I can get as a runner.
A few weeks back we dug out a slightly deflated basketball from one of our toy boxes and we decided to take it to the park. From that day on my daughter, who is 7, has become close to obsessed with shooting hoops. But being a shop-a-holic that she is, she immediately goes online and looks up basketball sneakers, and basketball shorts, etc.... She starts driving me and my hubby crazy about buying her the "proper" attire for the sport. Hubby and I try in vain to convince her that no such gear is needed to shoot hoops, and ESPECIALLY at her age, but no, she had her mind set. The parallel here is an obvious one. I too, at the very beginning of my running journey, have felt that I could not possibly be a "real" runner without all the gear. My husband, who has been running for much, much longer than me has always found it sort of silly that I was spending so much money to, in essence, become a runner. "You don't need all that, I've been running for 25 years without a tech shirt", he'd remind me daily, in a lighthearted tone. But I needed to do it and I did and now I am on the other side of this buying frenzy with nothing else to squeeze from this obsession, but plain ol' running and nothing more. Now is when my relationship with running actually begins.
As a practicing Buddhist I work on myself daily to find value in the present moment and in our common daily tasks. Thich Nhat Hanh explained in his book The Miracles of Mindfulness:
“To my mind, the idea that doing dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you aren’t doing them…I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to eat dessert sooner, the time of washing dishes will be unpleasant and not worth living. That would be a pity, for each minute, each second of life is a miracle.”
Running is just now taking on its proper place in my life, away from all the inner celebratory fanfare experienced as a new runner it will take on its place as a 'common daily task'. Focusing on getting the proper attire for the sport is not at all a bad thing, that is not where I am going with this. But I do feel that we may lose or never fully gain a full appreciation for the sheer joys of running if we never step down from the 'honeymoon', gear buying stage of running. Now that my 'honeymoon' stage with gear-buying is over I can begin to fully focus all my energy on finding joy in learning more about my body, my breathing. I wake up daily now looking for wind on my face, and trying the catch that moment between mile 2 and 3 where I actually feel sheer joy, gratitude and humbleness at being able to run, nothing more.
I was at mile 4.5 of my 5-mile run and every time I passed someone on my path I could not stop thinking about the fact that every part of my body was probably jiggling as I ran past these strangers and wondered what my big bouncing ass must look like to them. It's slightly funny but also somewhat a very serious subject to all women. Although most of my body has tightened up quite a bit during this two years of running, I find myself still having to shove these annoying insecurities right back from the dark hole from where they came, during each and every run.
I could easily do what most people seem to do when they feel insecure about their rear, they cover it up with a fun running skirt, or with long shirt. But a stubborn part of me does not feel like covering anything up, and wouldn't that communicate to me that I feel shame in my body. After all the respect I've grown to feel over my body after running the 50k, then the marathon, there is no way in hell I would act in any way that would communicate shame to myself.
Yet still, the insecure feelings persist, each and every run comes with its own set of mental battle. But I think running in daylight, and letting my body freely jiggle without a care as I pump forward with power, strength and pride has a bigger, very important purpose. I am a regular sized woman running, and in simply doing that I claim strength, pride and power as something inherently mine. In doing so I allow other women, just like me to also feel the same sense of entitlement regardless of their body type, or size. As I chug along with head held high, claiming my streets, my body as mine, my power I am saying, "Girl, you too could feel strong, free, and shameless in your beautiful gift of a body."
I love running, I love how it makes me feel about my body. For once, I can look at my legs, my thighs, my hips in the mirror and feel unbelievably grateful for them for being a part of me and not have an automatic thought of disdain, which is what I have pretty much done my whole life. After those two-hour plus weekend long runs I am in awe of what my body can do with a little determination. As someone that has struggled with negative body images all my life, it huge, it's liberating, empowering, and hope filled to be able to conquer the road. I listened to an interview with Bart Yasso yesterday on one of my many running podcasts that I follow and he said that running has the potential to change your life, then went on to list all the ways in which running was the 'keystone habit' that helped radically improve every single aspect of his life. I know it.....relationships, thoughts, sanity, decisions, moods are all brightened once the running habit is adopted. I love the quote, 'I don't have to run, I GET to run'....what a blessed existence it is to be able to be independently mobile.
Last year around this time running 3 miles in one run seemed torturous and impossible. Compare that to just 2 days ago during one of my long runs, I had about 5 miles to go to finish the course and I remember thinking to myself, 'oh, just 5 more miles'. Just this month, I am starting to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, I'll be ready for a marathon in my near future; something I would have never even thought possible for me, for my body.....I mean never!!
My entire life I've only ever allowed myself to identify with this idea of myself as a 'naturally hefty' person, or 'big boned' if you may. I have resigned myself to being a 'big girl' and working with it and that was that. My entire wardrobe was about making fat work for me. I became an expert at the 'smoke and mirrors' world of shapes, silhouette and colors that can make you appear smaller. I was resigned to rock my body in its size and call it day and throw away the key. I was clear to me that I've inherited the 'fat genes' and I just had to deal with it the best way possible. Then running came along and changed all that, not immediately....no, the change was so slow and incremental, almost unnoticeable. Gradually, I was able to take on more miles a week, gradually, I built on my strength. Suddenly, one day, I was different and all the labels I had for myself were no longer congruent with this new person I've become. Now I am identifying with much different labels, such as 'strong' or as having endurance and having an ability to persevere.
I have begun debating in my head lately whether the new label comes first and then change happens, or does change happens first and then the new label becomes applicable to the self? In my case, the idea of seeing myself as overweight has so intensely solidified in my mind that I could not fathom seeing myself other than, overweight. Therefore, when my body began to prove me otherwise, when I started to change and become stronger, only then did the idea of perhaps feeling out a new way of seeing and identifying myself become remotely possible. In my case I needed to first see and experience those changes in my body before I could even entertain a new, drastically new perception of myself.
These days I am much more trusting of my own abilities and I can actually pre-adjust my goals and dreams by simply refocusing my perception of myself to allow for these new realities and identities. Ultimately, I know that the only thing stopping me from running a marathon in the near future is the thought that I can't run a marathon. Removing that one thought, that one obstacle in my head will allow this amazing reality to materialize in my future; it's simple as that and I can't wait.
