You don't have to like it, agree with it or have an opinion

 Last week, I was sitting with a group of women of all ages and we were talking about tattoos. One married woman began saying that she once wanted one very much, yet, her husband right off the bat told her he was absolutely not "into them" therefore she should not get one. I find it interesting how some women don't question this ownership type relationship approach and don't feel uneasy being told what to do with their bodies. I hear it all the time too when it comes to running at night, for example. Women will pronounce, without an ounce of questioning, how their loving and caring husbands would never "let" them run alone, or at night or at dawn, or in a specific location.... The main thought that always goes through my mind when I hear these blatant ownership type statements is, "I am glad I don't have anyone in my life that is telling me what to do with my body." Seems to me that in the plight to feel safe we have willingly and almost happily abandoned the idea of ourselves as free wheeling souls, with ideas of our own, dreams of our own.....and a will to choose our own destinies. 

                   

              I am not going to lie and say my husband was crazy about me getting a huge arm tattoo, yet, I sat him down and explained that this was very important to me to express my sense of beauty in this manner, that I have been wanting this for years, this was my body and most importantly, due to my past experience with sexual abuse as a young adult, it was most important for me, solely, to execute decisions about my body. He understood completely and did not say another word. At times like these I am so glad I did not grow up with my dad, who himself was a forceful, unrelenting force in our home before my parents divorced. I was therefore raised expecting to have full ownership of my body, my decisions and the consequences of them. Yet, it's not like I would have never married anyone with an overactive chivalry muscle anyway.... men like that often felt suffocating, somewhat creepy and overly intense. They begin every relationship by laying it on so heavy up front only to fade into childish expectations and blaming behavior directed at you for having had to fake it for so long. 

                  Running, along with any other passion you might have, (like tattoos, or gardening....etc) is an expression of your freedom. Choose partners and friends who are not intimidated by your level of passion for running or tattoos, or whatever....choose a partner who give you all the space you need to find you. It's not that important that they know all about your passion, but it's important that they begin to invest in the better you that comes as a result of your freedom. It's understandable that your loved one want you to be safe and sound and ask that you be safe when running outdoors, yet, it's another whole story to be told that you can't go. HUGE difference. The more a partner or friend fans the flames of fear, the less able YOU are to use your own instincts to assess any situation. Choose your friends and partners carefully....



            

                     

Who are you without that race shirt?

           Who are you without that race shirt?

I have been tossing around the idea of how some athletes, including myself, might at some point use our race gear to hide or to feel more emboldened in areas where we might feel a bit shy. Now hear me out. I find it perfectly okay when I see runners proudly display their gear. I myself cannot live without wearing my race tops everywhere. They are like a sweet reminder of badassery activity from the not-so-distant past. Yet, could there be such as thing as doing it for the wrong reasons? I fear that maybe the answer is 'sometimes'. For example, I myself, have often veered towards using a race shirt, to the gym, for example, especially on my 'feeling-less-than-confident' days. Wearing a top earned at my favorite race, for example, absolutely adds a little more confidence, especially when I might not be quite feeling it that day. In addition, as a Buddhist who is always trying to let go of all types of inner fears and always practicing deeper and deeper levels of self-acceptance, I do not like this occasional dependence I feel to wear a race shirt to feel better. IF I WERE to need to hide behind a race shirt that I then should work on not needing this so much. The worry comes from the idea that If wearing that shirt becomes a total dire necessity, not just a simple adornment, then what does that say about who we think we really are beneath all that gear? Byron Katie, a self-help guru whose books I adore, always asks the poignant question, "Who would you be without your story?". In asking us that question she pushes us to really question who we think we are behind all the narrative, all the medals, all the labels, whatever it is that we use to define ourselves to the external world. In a perfect world I should not feel the need to flaunt my accomplishments so externally, or so intensely or even all the time in order for my essence to come across clearly to others. In a perfect world I would very much hope that my own personality would stand on its own, without the need to embellish it with anything extra. And of course, I want to wear that shirt, display the 26.2 stickers and show off the my medals but not if without it I really think I'm nothing.

Independence in relationships.

                        I have come a long way from the young girl who romanticized love, who equated to much caring with true caring, who no matter how much I denied it, ultimately continued to define herself by other's general satisfaction level with me. I had no sense of me, no idea of who I was or what I wanted. Fear was a driving factor in all my relationships. Fear of losing whatever it was I had at the moment made me feel I needed to amp up the intensity and constantly swim uphill to maintain control. God forbid anything changed. 

                    To illustrate the above I will tell you a story. When I was in college I was with someone whom I loved very much. I took excellent care to always be present and caring and wonderful to this person, so much so that I slowly became someone else entirely in trying to keep this person happy and content near me. In turn, this partner too changed due to my suffocating "care". In the end, as you can imagine, I was dumped...but dumped hard! I was told when this happened that I had lost the free spirit that made me so attractive to begin with and I had become too needy, too bossy, too much. Looking back now, I was too suffocating in my care, too maternal, too intense, and too prescriptive in how my needs needed to be met. Looking back, I know all of this mess stemmed from just fear, fear of change, scared of losing whatever was there, no matter how undeveloped or not right for me it was. At that time, of course, I walked away from the relationships completely stung, deeply hurt, and utterly unable to understand how anyone could turn away from such love and care. In this case as in many, love was not enough. In this case, as the character Bob in what about Bob, the movie, the care was the last thing my partner needed, but I was too blind and naive to know that at the time. 

                    Fast forward 20 years later, I totally get it now. Love, as much as we think is the end-all-be-all of everything, does not make a relationship, and sometimes too much of it can even help end many relationships. One OTHER aspect of relationships that is too often widely overlooked when choosing a life partner is (drumroll please....)..... intensity level. Intensity level plays a huge essential part in relationships dynamics. Intensity level, in fact, plays such an integral part in a relationships that within days one can begin to see the trajectory of success or failure of any relationship begin to form based purely on the compatibility of the intensity within the two individuals. Depending on the intensity level in the relationship, partners can either make you feel free and alive or choked, immobile and just wrong. No matter how much we love to be in the company of a loved one, independence is its own reward and if made to choose, freedom is always the most attractive path to all of us seeking general happiness in our futures. 

                     So the questions begs to be asked, "what is the right intensity level?". Intensity levels are very tightly connected  to expectations and demands. Negative issues, as I alluded above, arise mostly when intensity levels do not match. Each participant needs to honor their own needs coupled with practicing "allow". Allow simply means letting others be who they are without pushing our weight around to make our counterparts do things our way, etc. For any successful relationship to work, it's important to know that not all partners can and should ever meet all our needs and/or acquiesce to all our demands but also it's essential to know that not all needs and demands need to be abandoned either. We constantly ask ourselves over and over again, over the course of the relationship forming, what is and is not okay with us personally. Constantly reflecting upon and genuinely honoring and remaining true to our most essential limits will we be assured a life where we get more of what we need and less/none of what we don't. 

                    So now it's my turn. What does a self-sufficient woman who is totally content with the way her life is at the moment need from a relationship? This is where things get tricky.  I have come to learn over the years that most people generally are much more comfortable relating to others when this "other" has a need. It must be some type of universal rule, but it's generally much easier being a friend to someone in need. Makes sense, feels good to be needed. On the other hand, it's much harder to be a friend to someone who is emotionally independent. I was that ultimately all-giving friend once. Most of my female friends consisted of women going through tragedy, drama, or simply pure hell...not sometimes, but always. I was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, putting out other people's fires, placing my needs last always. But It felt like I was making a difference, when in fact I was spinning in one place, never making much progress.  

                  I totally get it now, just like the 20 year-old me getting dumped, I know it stings to not feel needed to come put out fires, yet, now I am looking for a very different type of connection, for a different type of frienships. Therefore, I will rephrase my question here, What does a self-sufficient woman who feels emotionally independent primarily needs from any relationship? Definitely NOT one resembling of a mom to a baby, or of the "lost one" to a "savior", but of true, powerful equals in which both gain from the relationship. I am looking to connect on a higher level. These days quality is worth more to me than quantity. Unlike a 20-year old, who might pride herself on being surrounded by as many friends as possible, I would be perfectly happy with a handful of sane, confident trustworthy confidants any day. 

                    So this year, running-wise, I feel I have gotten wiser and much stronger. I know this body I inhabit so well now. That is a gift from me to me and so my goals are more on the emotional plane. Relationship-wise, I feel satisfied with how my husband and I have grown so close and we relate on levels unmatched by other relationships I've had thus far. He is an honest to goodness true friend to me and I am to him. I don't think I can say anything to him and he'd be surprised, hurt, or closed off to me. He so deeply knows himself; I have utmost respect for all the growth he's helped me achieve. I can only wish to be as emotionally grounded as he is one day.  In addition, I will continue to seek deep and genuine connections with friends and colleagues in which we relate to each other as powerful equals, and with balanced intensity levels that allow us to grow and learn from one another. I will continue to fan the flames of relationships which help me feel powerful, brave and and who acknowledge and value my chosen paths. 
                    

Running Twitter Hashtags

Running hashtags. Anyone ever used one of these? which one do you think is most popular? Most used?

#BarefootRunning

#ConfessionsOfARunner

#ICantRunWithout

#IrrationalRunningFears

#JoysOfRunning

#MarathonTraining

#MondayMiles

#RunChat

#running 

#RunNerds
 #twitterroadrace 

#runchat

#run

#marathon

#MondayMotivation

#marathon-training

#foamrolling

#runnerd

#fitblog

#runblog
#iloverunning

#whyirun

#runningtips

#trichat

#motherrunners

#motherrunner

#RunningEtiquette

#RunningMadLibs

#RunningMantras

#RunningTips

#SeenOnMyRun

#WeekendWorkout

#WhyIRun

#YouKnowYoureARunnerWhen

Change Through Manipulation vs. Inspiration

                                   Have you ever tried to change someone because there was just something about them that you could not live with? I have? Want to know what happened? Long-story-short, I failed miserably. Not just once, but thousands, over thousands of times. I do not in any way regret these early attempts at hopeless causes. On the contrary, futile attempts at changing what cannot be changed is a great lesson for people like me (many years back) who still hold a smidgen of hope that maybe, just maybe coercion, force and manipulation can bring about lasting personal transformation in another. After having failed miserably so many times you come to know, in your blood, that no one ever genuinely changes the fundamentals of who they are unless it's self-driven. The 'seed of change', if you may, must come from within the person for the change to be genuine. 

                                    This is where inspiration comes in. Anytime I have ever taken on a cause or made any decision to change my life has been through the inspiration gained from someone I admire. I visualize myself as a melange of hundreds of people whom I have met and have moved me. I am not referring to celebrities or famous people at all, just regular people I have been lucky to meet on my journey but whom have gifted me some of their qualities by simply being in presence. On the flip side, I've also learned that only in becoming a person worthy of my own admiration do I begin to influence others to seek their higher selves too. In sharing my running adventures on this blog I mostly aim to unveil how easy and incrementally manageable it is to reach your furthest and most demanding goals, that dreams do come true. Seeing others become inspired through my journey has been amazing. To know you helped another find all the same treasures you've been uncovering is a huge extra bonus to this whole adventure. 

                                    So you want to change huh? look around you? find people you admire fully or even partly....and let their presence fill you. Allow yourself to be moved by others and seek the company of people who challenge you to become more, bigger, better. Emotionally, if not physically, detach from people who repel you or have nothing to add to your life but drama, pain and fear. Having trouble finding anyone inspiring? Just become, act, dress like that person you think you want to be and before you know it inspiring people will be in your space.