Independence in relationships.

                        I have come a long way from the young girl who romanticized love, who equated to much caring with true caring, who no matter how much I denied it, ultimately continued to define herself by other's general satisfaction level with me. I had no sense of me, no idea of who I was or what I wanted. Fear was a driving factor in all my relationships. Fear of losing whatever it was I had at the moment made me feel I needed to amp up the intensity and constantly swim uphill to maintain control. God forbid anything changed. 

                    To illustrate the above I will tell you a story. When I was in college I was with someone whom I loved very much. I took excellent care to always be present and caring and wonderful to this person, so much so that I slowly became someone else entirely in trying to keep this person happy and content near me. In turn, this partner too changed due to my suffocating "care". In the end, as you can imagine, I was dumped...but dumped hard! I was told when this happened that I had lost the free spirit that made me so attractive to begin with and I had become too needy, too bossy, too much. Looking back now, I was too suffocating in my care, too maternal, too intense, and too prescriptive in how my needs needed to be met. Looking back, I know all of this mess stemmed from just fear, fear of change, scared of losing whatever was there, no matter how undeveloped or not right for me it was. At that time, of course, I walked away from the relationships completely stung, deeply hurt, and utterly unable to understand how anyone could turn away from such love and care. In this case as in many, love was not enough. In this case, as the character Bob in what about Bob, the movie, the care was the last thing my partner needed, but I was too blind and naive to know that at the time. 

                    Fast forward 20 years later, I totally get it now. Love, as much as we think is the end-all-be-all of everything, does not make a relationship, and sometimes too much of it can even help end many relationships. One OTHER aspect of relationships that is too often widely overlooked when choosing a life partner is (drumroll please....)..... intensity level. Intensity level plays a huge essential part in relationships dynamics. Intensity level, in fact, plays such an integral part in a relationships that within days one can begin to see the trajectory of success or failure of any relationship begin to form based purely on the compatibility of the intensity within the two individuals. Depending on the intensity level in the relationship, partners can either make you feel free and alive or choked, immobile and just wrong. No matter how much we love to be in the company of a loved one, independence is its own reward and if made to choose, freedom is always the most attractive path to all of us seeking general happiness in our futures. 

                     So the questions begs to be asked, "what is the right intensity level?". Intensity levels are very tightly connected  to expectations and demands. Negative issues, as I alluded above, arise mostly when intensity levels do not match. Each participant needs to honor their own needs coupled with practicing "allow". Allow simply means letting others be who they are without pushing our weight around to make our counterparts do things our way, etc. For any successful relationship to work, it's important to know that not all partners can and should ever meet all our needs and/or acquiesce to all our demands but also it's essential to know that not all needs and demands need to be abandoned either. We constantly ask ourselves over and over again, over the course of the relationship forming, what is and is not okay with us personally. Constantly reflecting upon and genuinely honoring and remaining true to our most essential limits will we be assured a life where we get more of what we need and less/none of what we don't. 

                    So now it's my turn. What does a self-sufficient woman who is totally content with the way her life is at the moment need from a relationship? This is where things get tricky.  I have come to learn over the years that most people generally are much more comfortable relating to others when this "other" has a need. It must be some type of universal rule, but it's generally much easier being a friend to someone in need. Makes sense, feels good to be needed. On the other hand, it's much harder to be a friend to someone who is emotionally independent. I was that ultimately all-giving friend once. Most of my female friends consisted of women going through tragedy, drama, or simply pure hell...not sometimes, but always. I was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, putting out other people's fires, placing my needs last always. But It felt like I was making a difference, when in fact I was spinning in one place, never making much progress.  

                  I totally get it now, just like the 20 year-old me getting dumped, I know it stings to not feel needed to come put out fires, yet, now I am looking for a very different type of connection, for a different type of frienships. Therefore, I will rephrase my question here, What does a self-sufficient woman who feels emotionally independent primarily needs from any relationship? Definitely NOT one resembling of a mom to a baby, or of the "lost one" to a "savior", but of true, powerful equals in which both gain from the relationship. I am looking to connect on a higher level. These days quality is worth more to me than quantity. Unlike a 20-year old, who might pride herself on being surrounded by as many friends as possible, I would be perfectly happy with a handful of sane, confident trustworthy confidants any day. 

                    So this year, running-wise, I feel I have gotten wiser and much stronger. I know this body I inhabit so well now. That is a gift from me to me and so my goals are more on the emotional plane. Relationship-wise, I feel satisfied with how my husband and I have grown so close and we relate on levels unmatched by other relationships I've had thus far. He is an honest to goodness true friend to me and I am to him. I don't think I can say anything to him and he'd be surprised, hurt, or closed off to me. He so deeply knows himself; I have utmost respect for all the growth he's helped me achieve. I can only wish to be as emotionally grounded as he is one day.  In addition, I will continue to seek deep and genuine connections with friends and colleagues in which we relate to each other as powerful equals, and with balanced intensity levels that allow us to grow and learn from one another. I will continue to fan the flames of relationships which help me feel powerful, brave and and who acknowledge and value my chosen paths.