Tapping into my inner BRAVE

           Last week I got a root canal. For the first visit, not knowing I was heading to a 3-hour root canal hell of all hells, I wore my marathon t-shirt; dentists always make me nervous. Something about wearing a shirt you worked sweat and tears to earn that makes one able to then tap back into 'brave' mode, so it made perfect sense to wear it. The second part visit of my root canal, knowing more grueling experiences were waiting for me, I wore my 50K t-shirt. The shirts were not for others to see and notice. This was not about others, it was about helping me physiologically get through the hell of a root canal.

          This week, more specifically in 7 days, I am running marathon #2 and all the 'brave' has been zapped out of me. First, this damned winter has cut into my training numerous times, then, stress at work has also been creeping into my world, and my clean-eating and daily juicing has been slowly falling to the wayside. Last, and most damaging, I am developing a plantar fasciitis pain on my left foot which has been making covering long distances very unpleasant; and that is a conservative description.

            Nevertheless, I know myself very well. I will wake up Sunday very early, slap on that bib with my number and drive to this marathon and run those 26.2 miles. If worse comes to worse, I'll walk, or even crawl these miles if I need to. The way I see it is, unless I am broken, bleeding, have a torn ligament or severely injured in some way, I will make my way under that finish sign in however long it takes me. Yet, the worries and butterflies continue to haunt me and chip away at my confidence.

          This current mental struggle of mine takes me to this I radio show I enjoyed on my commute last week. I was listening to the very awesome podcast, Another Mother Runner, a show someone suggested to me on the Women's Running Network on Facebook (which every women runner NEEDS to join). The hosts, two lovely ladies whose name I forget still, invited the current winner of the TV show survivor, whose name I did not bother remembering at all, on the show. Anyway, this badass guest mom describes how she determined WAY before the show began that she was going to win this competition. She added that, yes, there were several more physically stronger competitors on the show (she was 95 lbs by the way) but that she has given birth and knew that she, as all women do, has that inner braveness that we all tap into when in that zone. "We don't know we have it until we need it" she said, and my mind immediately went back to those 10.5 hours spent on my first 50K where I found strength to run, despite the pain, despite the mountainous climbs, despite the pulled thigh muscle, despite the choking tears. I know I have it in me to do this. It's not so obvious as I slosh about on most days, but it's there, I have witnessed it.

            With this fact, I rest peacefully waiting and counting my days to again find the vast strength and 'brave' that lives within me. I have 168 hours to go for my second ever 26.2 mile challenge to begin. One caveat. I believe we ALL have this inner vastness of strength, not just women only. Women just have come face to face with it more often perhaps, but we all have it and it comes out in monumental moments of great challenge and opens up the gift of utter fearlessness. I may or may not finish this race, that is yet to be seen. But my mind will only focus on that finish line, relentlessly, fearlessly moving forward, one step at a time. Like my ever-wise husband said to me when I expressed my tearful concern about not finishing, "but you've already done it once before, why wouldn't you finish?".