As women get older they change in many ways that are different from men. Surely there are lots of studies out there specifically describing the many differences between both sexes as they age, yet, it's been my experience that women shed a lot as they get older, they get bolder, they feel less afraid, and more decisive overall; women find a more powerful versions of themselves as they age. They shed the drama, the fears, the doubts. They shed the need for approval and reach a level of self-dependence that undoubtedly creates rough ripples in the delicate relationship balance that exists between one's friends or family. Yet, these casualties are a necessary part of finding inner peace. If someone were to offer me youth over staying at my age of 45 I'd stay put, thank you very much.
I feel MUCH more comfortable in my own skin at age 45 than I have ever felt my entire life, and that is change worth celebrating. One aspect of getting older which has helped to make my life better overall has been making sure that every energy that comes from me strongly aligns with my comfort level. Depending solely on my own intuition on whether or not to trust experiences as they come has been instrumental in this mass shedding. The older I get the more emotionally independent I feel and the more clearly I am able to see people's true motives, and, the older I get the less I need to act upon these external influences. Let the sleeping dragons sleep. AS mentioned above, the delicate balance that has been built between you and your family and friends will undoubtedly be disrupted as you find your inner strength. Because lots of these relationships have been built on top one's own disingenuous past self these relationships may most likely be unfortunate victims to the mass culling.
Not all relationships are victims of this mass culling. True loving relationships always find a way to make it past these hurdles. I remember when I first started running it shook up my family dynamics quite a bit. My husband and I had lots of fights. And please understand that my husband was in full support of me running, yet, he was not used to the amount of time I put into it. Most loved ones, no matter how much they love you, will always fight against any and all change, totally normal; it is the way we humans are built. The key to my change was it's relentlessness. I, of course, listened to his concerns, such as about being out too much for long runs on the weekend and I made sure to accommodate his concerns by running earlier in the mornings before anyone was up yet. Yet, I made sure not give up what mattered to me the most, which was do these races and to train for them over long hours. Relentlessly seeking out what makes you YOU is the key. People that love you will be there after it all blows apart and when all the dust settles, they will be there adjusting, but there. The few that continue to wait for you to be the old you and never manage to acclimate to the new you will silently distance themselves into the background. If the YOU that you genuinely are is not the right you for someone and they expect you to be something you are genuinely not, one cannot in all honesty call that true or pure love, that is closer to bullying or bordering on control. Both results, staying or walking away are perfectly okay in my world. Both results are part of our learning experience here on earth. I love the ones I love dearly, but this round of growth I love ME so much more than anyone else in my life....and in the end I need to be able to live with myself first and foremost.
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
Reflexion on Forgiveness
Been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. After hearing about Anthony Ray Hinton and his book, The Sun Does Shine I was so impressed and humbled by his ability to pick up and move forward after being incarcerated for 30 years while innocent and it started me thinking about forgiveness, about what things have I got to forgive and vice versa, and how easy is it for me to forgive?
First, I believe in learning from your mistakes. Yet, that approach is only the "cousin" of what one considers real forgiveness to be, for 'learning from your mistakes' acts in similar ways, yet, although we learn from our mistakes there's nothing there about what our hearts need to do to truly move past the pain. Let me provide you with the perfect example. A dear friend I use to work with and whom I have devoted many hours helping get her life together came to my house for dinner a little over a year ago. In the time we had not seen each other, before the dinner, I had put on a few pounds. The minute she saw me at the dinner she began talking about how much weight I've put on, in front of my other guests, my husband and my kids. Now, to someone that's grown up with severe negative body issues (and even to anyone who hasn't), someone mentioning your increasing weight is like a thousand little stabs to my heart, it was a very scaring experience. Last week, she called me and left me a message wanting to hear from me and I could not get myself to call her back. Not only have I not lost the weight she made such a huge deal about but every time I thought about the incident I felt like curling up in a ball. It hurt a lot mostly because she was a friend I trusted, and for me, trust is not to be taken lightly. just could not get past that I cooked a homemade meal for her, invited her into my home and in my heart and she chooses to focus on what?....my weight!! So I am not having her over for dinner, I am not sadistic, nope, I learned from my mistake. Yet, what I am not able to do for me and my heart is forgive and I feel I need to get there. No matter how I think about it I go right back to the feelings of humiliation and the pain of that moment. This is why someone telling you they like/love you is never enough, NOT even close....RESPECT and paying close attention to your loved one's true needs is more important than just spouting out professions of love. Believe me when I say I really want to move past this. I thought time would heal my soreness but the more time that passes the more I think walking away is the only solution.
Perhaps my answer lies in how my husband and I deal with forgiveness. I am with my husband now for 18 years. There has not been one week in the time we've been together in which we have not had at least one argument but we always resolve it within 2-3 hours at most, and most importantly, we truly move past it, both of us. The minute we make up I could hardly tell you what we argued about. One of the key here has been that both of us are super quick to tell the other when the other has wronged. Me, being Latina cannot and will not sit on any grudge for more than a second, I need to tell you IMMEDIATELY..... If I am mad at you you will know it cause I will be sure to tell you about it the minute it happens. Now, If I call you, if I talk to you and share any part of my life with you whatsoever know that I love and trust you deeply or you would not get a second of my time. Equally, my husband who loves to live a peaceful existence will quickly tell me what's bugging him and give me a chance to fix it. The other part of the way we argue that really works is that each of us fully respects and allows the other to have whatever feelings they bring to the table. We don't get mad at each other for bringing up a grievance or having a gripe; we accept that a gripe exists and now it must be addressed. When you respect the other you afford them the right to have a gripe, even though it might be tough to experience the force of the anger coming our way. Oh, I have had my share of those relationships where you bring up a complaint and the person turns it around on you and is upset that you've opened your mouth, that, my friends, is a recipe for a dying relationship. So there you have it! two tips for forgiveness in a marriage, or any relationship really. To review, to bring peace back to any relationship, the hurt party should bring it up and second, one needs to feel listened to when bringing up grievances for any relationship to work.
So, seems like I answered my own question here. To bring closure to that issue with my friend who fat-shamed me, and if I want to give her a chance to stay in my life and feel peace I need to begin by letting her in how how her comment made me feel. How she reacts is not as important really, what matters is that I move that pain off my body, off my heart and say my peace.
I will report back what happens.
First, I believe in learning from your mistakes. Yet, that approach is only the "cousin" of what one considers real forgiveness to be, for 'learning from your mistakes' acts in similar ways, yet, although we learn from our mistakes there's nothing there about what our hearts need to do to truly move past the pain. Let me provide you with the perfect example. A dear friend I use to work with and whom I have devoted many hours helping get her life together came to my house for dinner a little over a year ago. In the time we had not seen each other, before the dinner, I had put on a few pounds. The minute she saw me at the dinner she began talking about how much weight I've put on, in front of my other guests, my husband and my kids. Now, to someone that's grown up with severe negative body issues (and even to anyone who hasn't), someone mentioning your increasing weight is like a thousand little stabs to my heart, it was a very scaring experience. Last week, she called me and left me a message wanting to hear from me and I could not get myself to call her back. Not only have I not lost the weight she made such a huge deal about but every time I thought about the incident I felt like curling up in a ball. It hurt a lot mostly because she was a friend I trusted, and for me, trust is not to be taken lightly. just could not get past that I cooked a homemade meal for her, invited her into my home and in my heart and she chooses to focus on what?....my weight!! So I am not having her over for dinner, I am not sadistic, nope, I learned from my mistake. Yet, what I am not able to do for me and my heart is forgive and I feel I need to get there. No matter how I think about it I go right back to the feelings of humiliation and the pain of that moment. This is why someone telling you they like/love you is never enough, NOT even close....RESPECT and paying close attention to your loved one's true needs is more important than just spouting out professions of love. Believe me when I say I really want to move past this. I thought time would heal my soreness but the more time that passes the more I think walking away is the only solution.
Perhaps my answer lies in how my husband and I deal with forgiveness. I am with my husband now for 18 years. There has not been one week in the time we've been together in which we have not had at least one argument but we always resolve it within 2-3 hours at most, and most importantly, we truly move past it, both of us. The minute we make up I could hardly tell you what we argued about. One of the key here has been that both of us are super quick to tell the other when the other has wronged. Me, being Latina cannot and will not sit on any grudge for more than a second, I need to tell you IMMEDIATELY..... If I am mad at you you will know it cause I will be sure to tell you about it the minute it happens. Now, If I call you, if I talk to you and share any part of my life with you whatsoever know that I love and trust you deeply or you would not get a second of my time. Equally, my husband who loves to live a peaceful existence will quickly tell me what's bugging him and give me a chance to fix it. The other part of the way we argue that really works is that each of us fully respects and allows the other to have whatever feelings they bring to the table. We don't get mad at each other for bringing up a grievance or having a gripe; we accept that a gripe exists and now it must be addressed. When you respect the other you afford them the right to have a gripe, even though it might be tough to experience the force of the anger coming our way. Oh, I have had my share of those relationships where you bring up a complaint and the person turns it around on you and is upset that you've opened your mouth, that, my friends, is a recipe for a dying relationship. So there you have it! two tips for forgiveness in a marriage, or any relationship really. To review, to bring peace back to any relationship, the hurt party should bring it up and second, one needs to feel listened to when bringing up grievances for any relationship to work.
So, seems like I answered my own question here. To bring closure to that issue with my friend who fat-shamed me, and if I want to give her a chance to stay in my life and feel peace I need to begin by letting her in how how her comment made me feel. How she reacts is not as important really, what matters is that I move that pain off my body, off my heart and say my peace.
I will report back what happens.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
The plus size athlete... (mike drop)
Funny how you may be THE least competitive person on the planet, but IF you, (1) don't look like an athlete and, (2) run races, such as marathons, you will forever come face to face with people's predictable, yet, extremely annoying and ruffled reactions to the incompatibility of these two facts in their own world. The reason I mention competition above is because the reaction I most often get is similar to what I'd probably get had I had chosen to challenge them competitively, a mix of offense and muted anger. Yet, I never think of my sport as one in which I need to compare myself with others, yet, the reaction I get points otherwise. Second, and even more importantly, I very much know that anyone can really do what I do if they set their minds to it, therefore, I know I don't put out competitive vibes out there.
As a human being who is fascinated by human reactions and thought patterns and who is also very aware of even the slightest change in reactions in others around me, I find it fascinating, frustrating and also extremely disturbing to subtly witness discomfort from others upon knowing about my little hobby. Which is why I will very rarely be heard talk about running with non-runners. Even among some runners I may be apprehensive talking about running. If I feel even the slightest bit of tension coming off them I move away.
Running has become like an old, comfortable shoe to me. Over the years I have made this sport is mine, all mine. I guess all runners find a way to make the sport speak through them. One benefit to reaching this level of familiarity with anything is that odd responses, or subtle words of discouragement no longer rattle me, instead, they both amuse me and they fire me up to do even more. In all seriousness, to me, running is much bigger than bragging rights, or impressing others. Those emotions did at one point exist in my head, yet, they have since been replaced with less extravagant and much more personal reasons. Running has become a form of life prayer, it's my happy place, it's my life skills coach, my giver of hope in humanity and through it I see the world with more love, more compassion and more understanding.
So come to me with your unsolicited comments on pace and speed or your subdued, yet, purposely hurtful questions, such as, "Did you walk it?". I am ready now. Know that these reactions do not hurt me, instead, they allow me to see you for who you are. At 44, my focus in the sport is razor sharp and my goals are fanned daily deep in my heart. Bring it....
As a human being who is fascinated by human reactions and thought patterns and who is also very aware of even the slightest change in reactions in others around me, I find it fascinating, frustrating and also extremely disturbing to subtly witness discomfort from others upon knowing about my little hobby. Which is why I will very rarely be heard talk about running with non-runners. Even among some runners I may be apprehensive talking about running. If I feel even the slightest bit of tension coming off them I move away.
Running has become like an old, comfortable shoe to me. Over the years I have made this sport is mine, all mine. I guess all runners find a way to make the sport speak through them. One benefit to reaching this level of familiarity with anything is that odd responses, or subtle words of discouragement no longer rattle me, instead, they both amuse me and they fire me up to do even more. In all seriousness, to me, running is much bigger than bragging rights, or impressing others. Those emotions did at one point exist in my head, yet, they have since been replaced with less extravagant and much more personal reasons. Running has become a form of life prayer, it's my happy place, it's my life skills coach, my giver of hope in humanity and through it I see the world with more love, more compassion and more understanding.
So come to me with your unsolicited comments on pace and speed or your subdued, yet, purposely hurtful questions, such as, "Did you walk it?". I am ready now. Know that these reactions do not hurt me, instead, they allow me to see you for who you are. At 44, my focus in the sport is razor sharp and my goals are fanned daily deep in my heart. Bring it....
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Taking back the night
After a few injuries and a kick ass gym membership I just stopped running outdoors. Time made me forget all about the beyond awesome feeling of being out in nature before everyone wakes and taking on the night. I had a long run scheduled for this Sunday and I simply could not muster another treadmill long run. Last time I felt like I was in a time warp, three and half hours of the fan blowing and literally going nowhere was just beyond boring. So I planned to take on the night for this next run. Being a mom I do not want to be gone all day as if I were single, my kids need me around, therefore, making it back home around the time they wake is my BIG challenge. I am also a super slow runner which means I must always wake at an ungodly hour to make all this possible.
This is what the intersection near my home looks like. You'll see a few cars, zero people and an occasional fox streak across your path. I always imagine all this is mine, all mine.
This is what the intersection near my home looks like. You'll see a few cars, zero people and an occasional fox streak across your path. I always imagine all this is mine, all mine.
Gently rolling hills, unlike a treadmill, allow me to work different parts of my legs muscles. This prevents me from becoming injured. On a treadmill it's hard to change, adjust and play with one's gait.
Mine, all mine still. Have seen 2 other runners at the 8 mile mark.
Halfway mark (mile 8)....Here's where the real work begins. Podcasts go off and music comes on.
I LOOOOOVE slugs. Mostly because my mom, who is a garden goddess green thumb, hates them with a passion and would often sprinkle them with salt to "save" her garden. I spent many years trying to save them from this very horrific approach. So now when I see them I always grab a leaf and place them off the path, so they don't get stepped on.
Nothing like feeling your legs carry you across miles and miles. There is a certain power that comes from knowing that your own body can do that.....without the use of a motor, or pedals, such a primal connection to the earth, our ancestry as humans, life, the planet.....oh, don't get me started.
I am done!! showered and smiling....Now let's eat!!! This is a smile of a woman who is starving. 1500 calories burned in 4 hours of running.....where are the eggs...get out of my way.
This shot was taken after a shorter morning run, the sun was just coming up and I felt amazing....nothing like a morning run before work.
A new day arises behind the trees...Everyone is still in bed at home.
Finally.....I catch my beautiful sunrise. Have a great day everyone.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
OUR BODIES: Taking up room and societal control
I have been reflecting a lot lately about body size and how women try so hard to be as diminutive as possible and are always working at getting smaller and smaller and smaller...and in essence, we strive to take up less and less room on this planet and how that very aim strongly shapes how we see ourselves and how we see our roles in the world.
I have seen and experienced a lot of couples in the past few months and have noticed an interesting trend. The women and men are often drastically different in size. Often, you will see a man 6 foot plus, sometimes even grossly overweight, paired with a woman sized at basically nothing. This may sound like I am making light of it, but I am a visual person, contrast calls to me when I see it. One might think all women strive to be size nothing, yet, in the past 10-12 months I have been exploring what it's like to take up space, like these men, and more importantly trying to see how aiming at taking up space changes my behavior. I have been steadily going to the gym and lifting weights for about a year now and I have had to buy new bras to accommodate for my bigger chest. These new purchases were tough. Buying bigger clothes felt like a failure, it went against everything I have been taught to be as a woman in modern society, in modern society women don't strive to be bigger, that strive to be smaller, so this whole buying experience was not pleasant or easy. Yet, the bigger, more muscular body opened new doors for me in how I interacted with others, in my confidence and even as something as simple as my stance. Suddenly, despite all I kept hearing, it was okay to feel right in my body and this was so thrilling, so new, so powerful. And if you are a women reading this, we all know how it feels to inhabit our body and yet feel like we are constantly on display for others; that is just how society brought us up to think of ourselves, sadly.
So the reflection continues. Daily, I strive to own the space I occupy and own my actions, my movement and drop the self-consciousness we've all grown to carry at all times. I have observed men and how they live free of such constant and caged thoughts and I want a piece of that, I want to be like that. I want to move around my space with confidence and comfort and own every moment, every space. But as I gain confidence in myself I see how my new-gained demeanor gives off an aura of non-approachability. I now know what my single friend complain about in the current dating world; one in which a confident woman has less chances of finding a partner, for she often scares away potential suitors with an unfamiliar characteristic most men have not been trained to work with, that being confidence. This, reveals an interesting societal chemistry among men and woman, one in which size, confidence and control all play part of the same dance. I am not a number gal, but surely there must exist some universal formula out there in which these three factors all affect each other in fascinating ways, ways we may never clearly know.
What I do know though is that I am on the right track to freedom from these societal messages of which we have all been programed. I take up room in so many ways, with my movements, with my body, with my words. I take up room with my movements by running where I want, at whatever times I want, and in whatever weather I please. I take up space with my body by freely chasing my athletic dreams despite not looking like traditional athletes, I take up room in my desires for my life by fanning the flames of my dreams and daily, chiseling towards them. I take up room with my opinions and my words, always fearless and full of conviction, in all actions.
***Do you feel there is a connection between how we are taught to strive for small and societal control over women overall?
I have seen and experienced a lot of couples in the past few months and have noticed an interesting trend. The women and men are often drastically different in size. Often, you will see a man 6 foot plus, sometimes even grossly overweight, paired with a woman sized at basically nothing. This may sound like I am making light of it, but I am a visual person, contrast calls to me when I see it. One might think all women strive to be size nothing, yet, in the past 10-12 months I have been exploring what it's like to take up space, like these men, and more importantly trying to see how aiming at taking up space changes my behavior. I have been steadily going to the gym and lifting weights for about a year now and I have had to buy new bras to accommodate for my bigger chest. These new purchases were tough. Buying bigger clothes felt like a failure, it went against everything I have been taught to be as a woman in modern society, in modern society women don't strive to be bigger, that strive to be smaller, so this whole buying experience was not pleasant or easy. Yet, the bigger, more muscular body opened new doors for me in how I interacted with others, in my confidence and even as something as simple as my stance. Suddenly, despite all I kept hearing, it was okay to feel right in my body and this was so thrilling, so new, so powerful. And if you are a women reading this, we all know how it feels to inhabit our body and yet feel like we are constantly on display for others; that is just how society brought us up to think of ourselves, sadly.
So the reflection continues. Daily, I strive to own the space I occupy and own my actions, my movement and drop the self-consciousness we've all grown to carry at all times. I have observed men and how they live free of such constant and caged thoughts and I want a piece of that, I want to be like that. I want to move around my space with confidence and comfort and own every moment, every space. But as I gain confidence in myself I see how my new-gained demeanor gives off an aura of non-approachability. I now know what my single friend complain about in the current dating world; one in which a confident woman has less chances of finding a partner, for she often scares away potential suitors with an unfamiliar characteristic most men have not been trained to work with, that being confidence. This, reveals an interesting societal chemistry among men and woman, one in which size, confidence and control all play part of the same dance. I am not a number gal, but surely there must exist some universal formula out there in which these three factors all affect each other in fascinating ways, ways we may never clearly know.
What I do know though is that I am on the right track to freedom from these societal messages of which we have all been programed. I take up room in so many ways, with my movements, with my body, with my words. I take up room with my movements by running where I want, at whatever times I want, and in whatever weather I please. I take up space with my body by freely chasing my athletic dreams despite not looking like traditional athletes, I take up room in my desires for my life by fanning the flames of my dreams and daily, chiseling towards them. I take up room with my opinions and my words, always fearless and full of conviction, in all actions.
***Do you feel there is a connection between how we are taught to strive for small and societal control over women overall?
Monday, May 1, 2017
Nudity
Dear women who openly walk around nude in the locker room at the gym,
Although I am currently way too shy to be able to walk around nude in the women's locker room at my gym, I very much cheer, admire and am in total awe of anyone who can do this and hope to some day be able to join you in this act of beauty, defiance and bravery. As I jealously passed a few of you this morning after my workout doing your hair or toweling off buck-naked in front of the mirrors, I internally challenged myself that I too would be one of you within the year.
I guess I have always been very reserved. Most likely it stems from from years and years of being self-conscious about my body, and yes, with a touch of cultural shyness to boot. Seeing a grown person in the nude was just not common sight growing up in my household. I remember I was a babysitter for a family in my teens. This family had a pool. Before swimming one day the moms chose to change right into their suits right front of me and I had a huge panic attack; nothing like this has ever happened in my presence before. As I grow to love my body more and more each day I find it imperative that I too face my own discomfort with nudity and if I am to continue changing in total privacy to make damn well sure that it's not out of shame or pure cowardice. So, I'd like to thank you for just being who you are! You represent a place I'd love to be in my relationship with my body, yet have not yet reached. Seeing you be so free and confident in your body allows me to be more confident in mine. You see, we all inspire each other, so keep on being your amazing self.
Sincerely,
-Still too shy to bear it all
Although I am currently way too shy to be able to walk around nude in the women's locker room at my gym, I very much cheer, admire and am in total awe of anyone who can do this and hope to some day be able to join you in this act of beauty, defiance and bravery. As I jealously passed a few of you this morning after my workout doing your hair or toweling off buck-naked in front of the mirrors, I internally challenged myself that I too would be one of you within the year.
I guess I have always been very reserved. Most likely it stems from from years and years of being self-conscious about my body, and yes, with a touch of cultural shyness to boot. Seeing a grown person in the nude was just not common sight growing up in my household. I remember I was a babysitter for a family in my teens. This family had a pool. Before swimming one day the moms chose to change right into their suits right front of me and I had a huge panic attack; nothing like this has ever happened in my presence before. As I grow to love my body more and more each day I find it imperative that I too face my own discomfort with nudity and if I am to continue changing in total privacy to make damn well sure that it's not out of shame or pure cowardice. So, I'd like to thank you for just being who you are! You represent a place I'd love to be in my relationship with my body, yet have not yet reached. Seeing you be so free and confident in your body allows me to be more confident in mine. You see, we all inspire each other, so keep on being your amazing self.
Sincerely,
-Still too shy to bear it all
Saturday, January 7, 2017
My ass....it is what it is
Yesterday I peeled myself out of my warm bed and reluctantly headed to the gym before work. It was 23 degrees outdoors and I was not feeling it much at all. Yet, from prior experience with tough mornings, I knew that once I got going on the treadmill it would be fine and some miles would be completed. I mount my favorite treadmill facing the enormous pool below and find my power songs, the ones that make me go past the pain and discomfort of running fast. I had little time so a few fast miles was all I could squeeze. It took not more than 2 minutes running to notice the older man in the reflection of the glass, working out on the elliptical behind me, looking at my ass! He was not looking at my ass for just a second, or a few minutes, but for the whole thirty minutes of my run.
There was a time when this type of "attention" would have encouraged me to quickly readjust my clothes in the back to cover my goodies or allow all sorts of self-conscious thoughts to invade my peace, such as, "he's probably really disgusted", or "is my ass jiggling as I sprint?". Now, for those who may not know me personally, yes, I do have a butt that stands out due to its size and roundness factor (smile). But, I am very happy with my body; in my 43 years living in this body, I've had plenty of time to work on my self worth issues and own every part of it and proudly claim all of it as mine, regardless of its size. It took me years to travel from the world of painful shame to the world of shameless pride, but I'm here.
So now that I have reached some form of "ass enlightenment", when someone stares at my ass for a good half an hour, what does an ass guru do? An ass guru uses it. Byron Katie, one of my biggest self-help authors once wrote something to the effect of, "no one else can be you, but you. No one else would even handle being you, but you"(note: this is not verbatim) Seeing as he seemingly was not going to stop and seeing as I was going to get my run in regardless, I took the situation and, quite literally, ran with it. If this strange older man behind me has never seen what a strong curvy woman sprinting looked like, he would now. I made sure that I moved in my body as comfortable as I could, kind of similar to the way one freely snuggles into warm wintertime pajamas. The run became a sort of mission, a mission to own myself in all its glory as best as could and not become distracted from my primary goal.
This situation very much mirrored one important life lesson, which is to be prepared to purposely work hard to keep your eyes on your primary goals, despite what unforeseeable distractions might arise, and to know that at any moment, unforeseeable distractions might arise.
There was a time when this type of "attention" would have encouraged me to quickly readjust my clothes in the back to cover my goodies or allow all sorts of self-conscious thoughts to invade my peace, such as, "he's probably really disgusted", or "is my ass jiggling as I sprint?". Now, for those who may not know me personally, yes, I do have a butt that stands out due to its size and roundness factor (smile). But, I am very happy with my body; in my 43 years living in this body, I've had plenty of time to work on my self worth issues and own every part of it and proudly claim all of it as mine, regardless of its size. It took me years to travel from the world of painful shame to the world of shameless pride, but I'm here.
So now that I have reached some form of "ass enlightenment", when someone stares at my ass for a good half an hour, what does an ass guru do? An ass guru uses it. Byron Katie, one of my biggest self-help authors once wrote something to the effect of, "no one else can be you, but you. No one else would even handle being you, but you"(note: this is not verbatim) Seeing as he seemingly was not going to stop and seeing as I was going to get my run in regardless, I took the situation and, quite literally, ran with it. If this strange older man behind me has never seen what a strong curvy woman sprinting looked like, he would now. I made sure that I moved in my body as comfortable as I could, kind of similar to the way one freely snuggles into warm wintertime pajamas. The run became a sort of mission, a mission to own myself in all its glory as best as could and not become distracted from my primary goal.
This situation very much mirrored one important life lesson, which is to be prepared to purposely work hard to keep your eyes on your primary goals, despite what unforeseeable distractions might arise, and to know that at any moment, unforeseeable distractions might arise.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Inspiration goes around and around
I was going through the "poor me's" a few days back. The "poor me's" means I was spending a lot of time feeling bad about myself. Distance running does a funny thing to ones perspective of personal achievement. Last week I ran and finished my 4th marathon ever, yet, the celebratory feeling never even got going. The last 2 miles, all I could think of was getting into my car and going home and getting this race behind me. What was I feeling so bad about? I was feeling bad about my time. It took me over 6 hours to finish this one. almost a whole hour slower than my fastest and 20 minutes slower than my previous, #3.
What had caused me to be slower? I had gained some weight, 20lbs to be exact, and I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen. But share that gripe, about not being happy with your time, with any non-runner and they will pretty much tell you how proud you should be. Not even that, if someone were to tell me they just ran a marathon in that time, I would absolutely celebrate their accomplishment and make sure they knew how impressed I was. So why can't I do that to myself? Why am I holding myself up to a standard so above others?, why can't I just be happy with the fact that I ran 26.2 miles, non-stop....?
Just then, I get tagged on a Facebook post from by friend who had just run in very cold weather and she was thanking me for inspiring her and for teaching her to like running in the cold.....I can't give up after a post like that? No matter what my time is, running is a part of me and sticking with it, doing the journey with it is what it's all about. My slow, curvy, relentless racing self has a place in this sport, no matter how much my various self-doubts try to convince me otherwise. It's not about acing each and every race and getting a PR each time....It's about how you go about dealing with the injuries, and the tough cold morning runs, and negotiating what food choices we make, or don't. From this point forward I will simply ignore the self-doubts that creep in after these tough runs, or tough races. I will remind myself that my part in this sport is absolutely essential, if only to inspire 10, 5, 2 or even one other person to go out there and run.
What had caused me to be slower? I had gained some weight, 20lbs to be exact, and I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen. But share that gripe, about not being happy with your time, with any non-runner and they will pretty much tell you how proud you should be. Not even that, if someone were to tell me they just ran a marathon in that time, I would absolutely celebrate their accomplishment and make sure they knew how impressed I was. So why can't I do that to myself? Why am I holding myself up to a standard so above others?, why can't I just be happy with the fact that I ran 26.2 miles, non-stop....?
Just then, I get tagged on a Facebook post from by friend who had just run in very cold weather and she was thanking me for inspiring her and for teaching her to like running in the cold.....I can't give up after a post like that? No matter what my time is, running is a part of me and sticking with it, doing the journey with it is what it's all about. My slow, curvy, relentless racing self has a place in this sport, no matter how much my various self-doubts try to convince me otherwise. It's not about acing each and every race and getting a PR each time....It's about how you go about dealing with the injuries, and the tough cold morning runs, and negotiating what food choices we make, or don't. From this point forward I will simply ignore the self-doubts that creep in after these tough runs, or tough races. I will remind myself that my part in this sport is absolutely essential, if only to inspire 10, 5, 2 or even one other person to go out there and run.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
4 Things Running Has Taught Me
Here are four things running has taught me. There are hundreds....but here are 4.
* Through running, I learned that my body is capable of so much more than I give it credit for. I think back at all the years I was mad at my body and even hated parts of my body for not 'doing' what I wanted it to do, for not looking a certain way, for not being a certain weight. Add in there all the times I tortured my body by depriving it of food, real food. Like the time I did the Master Cleaner for 8 days, or the time I lived off liquid soup. Seriously, who lives on lemonade for 8 days? no one! what's who. When I began to feel humbled by the power and energy I was able to generate after just a few short months of running I literally had to apologize to my body. Apologize for all the things I'd done to it, all the things I thought of it that did nothing BUT hurt it, and hurt me.
* Running has taught me that thoughts and physical pain are very similar. For example, thoughts and pain can both be terrible liars. You can think and 100% believe that, "This is a bad thing" and your actions will undoubtedly follow. But running makes you more aware of the true nature of thoughts and you begin to understand just how flighty thoughts can be. Pain is the very similar that way. When I first began running I experienced plenty of discomfort that was at times, painful. You might think, "oh, I am hurt I need stop" and choose never to that action ever again. But the truth is that all that initial discomfort is totally normal and that if you take it slow it all fades away, sometimes even within the same run. When you first begin working out after not having done so in a while, the body is protests. It would rather sit, not walk, walk not run. Pass that stage though and the pain becomes a helpful indicator of what you may be doing wrong, this might be bad shoes, bad form, bad pace, etc.
* Running has taught me that I love, love, love nature and the outdoors. Three days a week when I do my 5am runs I pass by this fancy gym on my loop back and all the treadmill folks are right up front by the glass, they are all facing the world as we pass by. The one thought that goes through my mind each and every time I pass is, "No amount of money would ever make me take this experience indoors." I am not at all against gyms. I love the weight machines and hot tubs, and pools in those places. I am just against treadmills, for ME. Some runners, who surely felt like I do, coined it the Dreadmill. Being outdoors just makes me really connect with the colors and the smells, the feel that come with each season. Last week, when I ran in Rock Creek (I call it my Rock Creek, for I seldom see many people on the trails) I kept getting these 'gratitude surges', as I call them. I could not believe how lucky I was, the whole forest was just so beautiful and for those two short hours, all of it was for me. (I know that is crazy thought, but once you know thoughts are not real, you can play around with them all you want. Back to my topic). Next, there is the "bad" weather. I love, love, love running in bad weather. The same way people may wish it NOT to rain, I look forward to mornings when I hear rain coming from the windows and snow....oh, that is a special treat. For that morning, in the rain or the snow I get to do something others might not. What an amazing treat to get on a weekday morning, to get to feel truly alive and it's absolutely free and right here in the neighborhood. So nature, it's quite a healer and spirit restorer I have found.
* Running has taught me that making it all about ME DOES help the world. Have you ever read this quote?
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you feel alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
I have finally learned to see how selfishly seeking my own happiness helps everyone around me. I use to worry about my kids needing me while I'd go for a run even thought they'd be safe at home with my hubby. Nevertheless, I started not running as much, then not at all all because I felt guilty (or at least THAT was the excuse I told myself). But even though running is essentially a selfish act, it makes you a much more sane person the OTHER 22-23 hours of the day. The added bonus to this is the realization that I don't need anyone else around me to be 'proud' of me or to really understand why I do what I do. Growing up I always actively sought approval from others, even as grown woman, I felt I needed loved ones to FIRST nod with approval in order for me to proceed, without guilt, on any new path. But running, with the power of a bulldozer, has come and toppled all these needs, guilt and worries with such force. The happiness factor far outweighs any threat of disapproval from anyone.
I posted this on the Women's Running Network on Facebook and here are the responses I got:
I posted this on the Women's Running Network on Facebook and here are the responses I got:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)