Reflexion on Forgiveness

        Been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. After hearing about Anthony Ray Hinton and his book, The Sun Does Shine I was so impressed and humbled by his ability to pick up and move forward after being incarcerated for 30 years while innocent and it started me thinking about forgiveness, about what things have I got to forgive and vice versa, and how easy is it for me to forgive? 

       First, I believe in learning from your mistakes. Yet, that approach is only the "cousin" of what one considers real forgiveness to be, for 'learning from your mistakes' acts in similar ways, yet, although we learn from our mistakes there's nothing there about what our hearts need to do to truly move past the pain. Let me provide you with the perfect example. A dear friend I use to work with and whom I have devoted many hours helping get her life together came to my house for dinner a little over a year ago. In the time we had not seen each other, before the dinner, I had put on a few pounds. The minute she saw me at the dinner she began talking about how much weight I've put on, in front of my other guests, my husband and my kids. Now, to someone that's grown up with severe negative body issues (and even to anyone who hasn't), someone mentioning your increasing weight is like a thousand little stabs to my heart, it was a very scaring experience. Last week, she called me and left me a message wanting to hear from me and I could not get myself to call her back. Not only have I not lost the weight she made such a huge deal about but every time I thought about the incident I felt like curling up in a ball. It hurt a lot mostly because she was a friend I trusted, and for me, trust is not to be taken lightly. just could not get past that I cooked a homemade meal for her, invited her into my home and in my heart and she chooses to focus on what?....my weight!! So I am not having her over for dinner, I am not sadistic, nope, I learned from my mistake. Yet, what I am not able to do for me and my heart is forgive and I feel I need to get there. No matter how I think about it I go right back to the feelings of humiliation and the pain of that moment. This is why someone telling you they like/love you is never enough, NOT even close....RESPECT and paying close attention to your loved one's true needs is more important than just spouting out professions of love. Believe me when I say I really want to move past this. I thought time would heal my soreness but the more time that passes the more I think walking away is the only solution. 
             
              Perhaps my answer lies in how my husband and I deal with forgiveness. I am with my husband now for 18 years. There has not been one week in the time we've been together in which we have not had at least one argument but we always resolve it within 2-3 hours at most, and most importantly, we truly move past it, both of us. The minute we make up I could hardly tell you what we argued about. One of the key here has been that both of us are super quick to tell the other when the other has wronged. Me, being Latina cannot and will not sit on any grudge for more than a second, I need to tell you IMMEDIATELY..... If I am mad at you you will know it cause I will be sure to tell you about it the minute it happens. Now, If I call you, if I talk to you and share any part of my life with you whatsoever know that I love and trust you deeply or you would not get a second of my time. Equally, my husband who loves to live a peaceful existence will quickly tell me what's bugging him and give me a chance to fix it. The other part of the way we argue that really works is that each of us fully respects and allows the other to have whatever feelings they bring to the table. We don't get mad at each other for bringing up a grievance or having a gripe; we accept that a gripe exists and now it must be addressed. When you respect the other you afford them the right to have a gripe, even though it might be tough to experience the force of the anger coming our way. Oh, I have had my share of those relationships where you bring up a complaint and the person turns it around on you and is upset that you've opened your mouth, that, my friends,  is a recipe for a dying relationship. So there you have it! two tips for forgiveness in a marriage, or any relationship really. To review, to bring peace back to any relationship, the hurt party should bring it up and second, one needs to feel listened to when bringing up grievances for any relationship to work. 

          So, seems like I answered my own question here. To bring closure to that issue with my friend who fat-shamed me, and if I want to give her a chance to stay in my life and feel peace I need to begin by letting her in how how her comment made me feel. How she reacts is not as important really, what matters is that I move that pain off my body, off my heart and say my peace. 

         I will report back what happens.