Nothing like an injury to put your whole life into a new focus. It began in the middle of the night. I got up to use the bathroom and I felt a stabbing pain in my right scapula. I could not find any standing, sitting or laying position in which I did not feel the deep pain. It's important to add that I am no stranger to pain. I have run many races with pain running right there beside me. Additionally, with both my kids I labored over 24 hours each during their birth. But something about this new pain made it feel terrifying and much worse. Having a tired brain the first thought I grabbed on to was that I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my body, by this body I felt I knew way too well. Just a day ago I had covered 16 miles and now this! I did not understand. At two am, what slowly began to come to me what I had done with my body two days ago. Two days ago, I had cleaned all three bathtubs in my home to prepare for my sister's visit that weekend. That is where I hurt myself.
So, it turns out my deal ol' body did not betray me after all. I simply forgot two very important facts about the human body, and that is that it remembers all exertion you make, but way later. Second rule, no body pain experienced is EVER just random, EVERY pain, every twitch has a reason. The human body does not make mistakes.
I have been mentally debating whether to drop out of the 50 mile race this March and running the 50K instead but something in me still holds hope. Deep inside, I know that I can do a 50 mile race but in order to do it I have to want it bad enough to actually cross that finish line. Not only that but I have to seal shut any doubts I may have about not making it somewhere deep underground.....Another part of me is not yet sure if I am willing to put in the level of commitment required to cross that finish line. I am terrified and ever so slowly crawling to fearlessness.....
more to come.....
I have never had a doctor tell me I suffer from depression but I know I have a recurring case of sadness in me that comes in strong waves a few times a year. Perhaps others around me reach this type of indescribably low levels of contentment too and maybe just don't show it. Perhaps, even all of us go through this but keep it to ourselves and deal with it privately. Whatever it may be, I do know that when these waves of sadness present themselves in me they overshadow everything, absolutely everything. Like a thick, dark fog, all positive accomplishments in my life, my loving husband, my two amazing kids, my exciting career, they all seem wiped clean and the feeling of being trapped settles in every crevice, every thought, every act.
Thankfully, running has been the ONE constant, the one source of balance in my life and as long as my legs are working I know I will be fine. I wish I could explain how or why running helps with depression, but all I know is that it helps. I am going through one of these such moments right now and despite the lack of positive feelings the one task I know, without question, I MUST do is hit the gym, sweat.....run....run hard. Today, because we had to travel back home to Virginia from NY I could only squeeze in a fast 5K before packing the car. Now, I would have preferred to do five miles, but 3 did the job. I feel so incredibly blessed to have a key, a key to help me get out of my own head, a key to free me from this relentless shadow which seems to always be lurking, threatening to show itself unexpectedly.
Days off feel nice and restful until about 11am, and then I start feeling like I should be out there on the road, sweating. Not out of guilt, I stopped being a Catholic years ago, but out of craving the feeling I get when running. I do like the free time I get though. I am having breakfast this morning with a wonderful woman I use to work with 4 years ago and I am so excited to hear how she's been doing. When I last saw her I was a size 18, desperately depressed on the inside because of my weight and simply unable to figure out how to go about shedding the extra pounds. I am so glad my hubby runs too so at least I have someone to chat unendingly to about running. Most of my friends are not into running and I often find myself holding back my excitement about running around them in order to not come across like a crazy lady. More and more I am considering joining a running club JUST so I could meet other running-crazy peeps like me....who when not running, would like to be chattin' about it. What do you do on YOUR 'days off' of running?
