Getting ready for a long run requires a lot of calculations. First, you get all the variables, how fast you think you can run, how many miles, when is sunrise, how many of those miles will begin at the gym on the treadmill and how many on the trails, and which trails, when am I needed back at home, the temperature tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to my 18 miler in the morning. Four and half hours of me time....heaven.
Yet, planning all this is tough enough with all other activities that come with being a mom to a 12 and a 10-year-old. Four our of 5 weekdays we have some form of evening event after work. Then, on top of that add on my current severe downs that I have been experiencing lately. I am not sure if my downs are due to hormonal changes in my aging body or just maybe tiredness from work, maybe, just maybe it's the news of all these natural disasters and the sadness that come with that news. No matter what it is, it has been very tough dealing with these downs and luckily running helps get me back on track... somewhat.
It's not only the act of running and the exercise and the exhaustion that helps me get back on track either. Running gives me a sense of self-dependence that I desperately need right now. Trust and lack thereof has been a huge issue this year, on so many levels. Erratic behavior in others has made me withdraw and increased my need to depend only on myself more and more. I could definitively say at this point I feel most at peace when I am alone. I am aware that I am taking a sabbatical from a lot but for now I am quite comfortable here. Not sure if running is helping or hindering me, but at this moment I am going to follow only my comfort level, like I would a compass. Currently, my personal sense of personal comfort is the only barometer in which I blindly trust. This is huge. For someone like myself who has spent an enormous chunk of her adult life being there for others, right now, I am unable to do be that person, yet, for the first time, I am allowing myself not to feel guilty, which feels very nice to not have that pressure....deep in me I must know my limits well and I know that right now, I just simply can only bear to carry myself and those immediately in my care.
Therefore, Sundays are reset days. On Sundays I let out my adventurous self out and for 3 to 5 hours I get to only take care of my own needs and not have to negotiate levels of care for anyone but me. Like a mom caring for an infant, on my long runs I baby myself. If tired, I take a GU, if thirsty I drink, if chafing, I apply vaseline and so on. Running is my refuge for now, more than ever, and despite my occasional stints with my downs I am able to stay on top of it thanks to the deep level of self-sufficiency and strength this sport gives me every time I lace up my sneakers. I am feeling so lucky to have a trusty tool that can help me save my own life and sanity, day after day.
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