Have to know how to fight

 Do you know how to fight?

If you care about your relationships dare to practice fighting. 

It does not really matter what you fight over....just dare to push and dare to allow to have your buttons pushed every once in a while. I am not talking about violence here, I am talking about verbal sparring back and forth about things that matter to you. We all know that no one couple or friendship can hold out too long without fighting. No matter how much you love each other, at some point there will be a disagreement and when that happens, if you want the relationship to survive, you have to have had some practice. 

In my marriage, we argue. Not a lot, not a little. But I know it's not a huge scary thing it use to be and overall arguing is okay. When my husband and I first met though he would hate arguing and would avoid me to "keep the peace", or so he thought, which would make me even more upset. As we grew to know each other more over the years we got better at resolving things without it causing so much stress. We learned that arguments are okay. That apologies after always matter and that sometimes we are wrong and sometimes we are right. That's it basically....re-read those words. want peace? that is the secret right there. 

I write this now because I just came to realize today that I lost a very special relationship a while back because we never learned how to argue. So much pent-up pain and hurt kept getting swept under the rug in order to "keep the peace", or in order not to shake the boat, that one day there was no more room to move. hurtful actions, events and words from the past were never properly and openly addressed in fear of disrupting the peace. These topics kept creeping up over and over and over again in weird, subtle, and noxious, understated ways which poked and poked until one day the friendship was no longer worth the weight of the pain.  None of us at fault, but how does one fix a broken thing when one does not have the tools to fix what is broken. 

Latino Guilt.....

              Yesterday, I ran and hiked around the local lake here. It's a 4-mile dirt trail loop around and as gorgeous as any trail in Northern Virginia. I have not been going around the lake that much lately and it was so nice to experience the sun peek low through the trees at sunset. When time and plans and dinner plans start to crunch in on your "me time" it's a sign that you need the me time more than ever. Even as I got out of the car, turned on my Strava app to count my miles I could still not shake this feeling that I should be elsewhere, doing something more important, for someone other than me. 

          This feeling, this guilt that I should be doing something else, BE someplace else is almost as old as I am. It could be a Latino thing. Parents, and overall the larger Latino community drill it hard into their younger generations that one must remain close by when you become an adult. Funny, I do not recollect one conversation, one interaction, in which this creed would have been passed down to me, yet, it's there, as present and living as when I was a kid. It takes every ounce of me to get past these invisible strings that make no sense or have no distinct origin. I will give myself some credit though; at age 48 I can say I have learned to stop those guilty feelings from dominating my life. But it does say something about the power of these "suggestions" in that I can stop their effects but I have yet to know how to stop them from popping up every time I am going to indulge in any way. 

An invitation to a world without labels

           We change all the time. We think we hardly notice these changes and then one day you are a completely other person. Funny thing about change is that with each change you dread it beforehand, yet, once you are this new change you cannot imagine being anything else. 

        This has me thinking of the fundamentals. Meaning, what aspects of me might be immutable, if such a thing even exists? well, the fact that I feel all people deserve common respect has stayed the same. The fact that I love stories about the magic of the "human experience" has not changed. Fundamentally, I am still the same Miriam who wants the best for all people I meet and feels that 99.99% of humans are filled with goodness.  But on the peripherals I am, to an outsider, I may seems completely different from myself even 3 years ago.

        All this brings me to the fact that we humans are MUCH more complex than we give ourselves credit for. Cancel culture will have us think we must, without exception, toss a person in the proverbial trash, no questions asked, for even the most singular mistake. But can our value, as humans, be boiled down to one experience, one thought pattern, one act?  Are we all that infallible that we would back up this judicial method to address all issues of wrongdoings? I certainly hope not, because if that were the case, I would have also been in the trash in my teens, my 20s, in my 30s and then again now, in my 40s for I have said and done stupid things all the way up to last week even....

         Perhaps the issue lies in the boxes we make for ourselves and others that get us in trouble. Humans placed in boxes do not easily allow for these very same humans to then easily shift, morph, adapt, edit and grow into new, more refined versions of ourselves. For example, in today's world, we hear the word "democrat" or "republican" and most instantly pull up a long mental list of all the things this person must be, think or do. It's no wonder then, when even the tiniest item on that long list does not align or fit with the box we have built around them, lots of grief and confusion occur. 

        I grew up in NYC, which we all know to be a very progressive city. Having grown up there, not one cell in my body ever doubted that all republicans are evil and hate-filled. That is, until, I finally met, worked with and befriended many republicans here in Virginia and learned just how huge this lie was. I must add also that not only were the republicans I met not hate-filled, but they were oftentimes more accepting of differences and incredibly well-informed. What a great lesson to learn for me. I feel so blessed to have had the luxury to see the world from such divergent perspectives. Today, I don't identify with any party, in fact, I reject all labels. Labels are completely useless boxes that keep us from really getting to know the incredible amazing, complex human standing right beside you. 

       In everything I do I try to model this. Through my actions I encourage others to forgo the labels long enough to see the real human before you. In the way I live, I hope to encourage others to take their ideas, thoughts and assumptions off automatic and dare to trust your own wisdom, your own inner voice to help you navigate friendships, colleagues, strangers, and even whole cities.  

            

48 hour race completed

 In the world of endurance sports I am merely a spectator.....at least that is how I felt this weekend participating in my first 48-hour race. But, I loved every minute of it. I drove to NJ in a rental and stayed overnight at a hotel to get a good night's sleep before the race. But, if I were to do it again I would have just camped it.... would have been more affordable and more fun. 

I managed to complete 62 miles. That may seem a lot to an outsider to this world but to someone who navigates ultras this is just a tiny scratch. Nevertheless, I feel proud of what I was able to accomplish. I got another state in my 50 State Marathon quest.... I need to at least have run a marathon in 10 states to even apply to be a member. I just need one more. But the one good news is that I completed 100K distance. The longest I ever completed before this was 52 miles...so this is a win for me....

Moving on.....it was just amazing to sleep outdoors. I was so in love with my tent and how cozy it felt to just zip yourself in and pass out after walking 40+ miles in one day....felt amazing. 

I had so much fun that I am already thinking of what is next.... next is another state.... maybe a 24 hour race, preferably on some shady course.... I found one in North Carolina and one in Georgia... will be deciding soon. would love to finish off the year with my 10th state and my 15th marathon distance complete.... 

pictures to follow....stay tuned. 

Don't forget to give .....even more

 Because it is its own reward, giving is ONLY ever exhausting when we don't feel like doing it. 

As a mom, and then also as a teacher,  I feel like my whole life revolves around me giving of myself to all the people I love, including my students. From the moment I wake to the minute I lay my head down at night, 90% of my life is about others and I would not change a thing. I make breakfast for my kids with love, I make art for others with love, I walk my dog for an hour a day, with love, I spend time on the phone with friends, with love, I listen with love. 

But there are times when I become drained and almost sick from exhaustion and these are the times, I notice, I have given without the proper genuineness in my heart. When that happens, it's time to reflect, reassess, and most importantly, pull back. It's okay to pull back. 

As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, we all begin to slowly realize that we have to become our own mother and care for ourselves the way our mother would. We have to  nurture our own selves and bring ourselves back UP to full strength without the help of our actual mother; oh, and this is true no matter what type of mother you might have had, we still must become THE quintessential mother to ourselves in order to help ourselves properly charge. Therefore, pulling back is healthy and gives us time to let the dust settle and be able to see everything much clearer.

How do we know when to dig in and when to pull back? Let us use our own body as a barometer. Are we rejuvenated or exhausted, or in between when we give of ourselves?. If we feel inspired, excited and settled in our giving, then giving should naturally flow from us without draining us whatsoever. When we are full of love and passion for life and all those around us, the flood of giving should be at full tilt. Like a biofeedback loop, giving with love in our heart provides us with enough reciprocal energy to fuel itself indefinitely. If that is not the case, then perhaps it's time to reflect, reassess and pull back until you find this self-charging driving force. 

Examples of ways I give of myself to those around me, for one DAY and it does not feel draining

* make my kids' breakfast every morning

* make Luke his favorite fruit shakes once a day. He drinks about 3 a day, I make him his first one always

* I am present and listen to friends and family tell me about their lives and fully enjoy their stories

* I walk my dog for an hour a day. He needs the exercise and I know how much he loves to smell EVERY tree, every bush...and I let him

* I respond to students' emails and padlet comments and reassure them when I feel they need it. 

* Plan to make everyone a favorite dish for the Holiday celebrations

* Write Thank You notes to parents who have sent me Holiday gifts during this pandemic...

* Forward along interesting articles to people I KNOW would enjoy them

* Share my creative process online/social media in hopes that others might also want to create and find themselves becoming more creative and innovative

* Spend time with kids whenever they ask, no matter when this is. This may be in form of watching movies with them, cuddling, cooking with them, or watching Tik Toks with them. They will not be with us much longer.... Luke has 2 years to college and Nora will soon follow.... :(

challenges as fodder

 This has been a great year of connecting the dots for me. How one chooses to stitch together their life's narrative IS the number one predictor of life success. This year, I learned that God wastes nothing, nothing at all. Everyone you meet, every experience you've ever had, from your happiest moments to your most horrific experiences, from the most significant to the most minute, are ALL ABSOLUTELY essential to our development. We are in Earth School, In Earth School we can choose to allow the bad experiences to calcify into a toughened heart OR we can devour it all, consume it, piece by piece, like healthy fodder and turn every morsel into stepping stools to help us become our best selves. I feel unstoppable, not because I have lacked challenges, but because I have surpassed the most horrific challenges. True Self-pride can only ever come surpassing one's challenges and flushing them from our system in the way of consumption, digestion and elimination.....

Mirror Mirror on the wall

                I run around this lake by my house daily, at the same time. when you do something like that you begin to meet people who also do the same thing and a kind of community begins to build. A community of people who smile and wave at each other freely, knowing the other will wave back. Most recently one of the such people asked me for my name, and he shared his. He is an older man, about 20 years my senior about. It's was a nice feeling seeing him daily and smiling back but now that we are on talking terms he has to always say something. And it's not just anything ordinary, like a commentary on the weather or the conditions of the trails, no!  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I pass him he has a comment about the way I look to him that day. 
Here are a few of the comments
*You look very happy today
* You look like an old lady with that walking stick
* You look very tired today, yesterday you wore earrings. 
* You look sad today

                    Now, the way I look, to others especially, is about the #129th item on my list of priorities. Also, I am 46 and happily married to a man who loves me without makeup, without fake nails and even when I wake up in the morning, with my hair to the ceiling. I also have about 10 projects I obsess about at any given moment and that too keeps me from worrying about item #129. 

               In addition, I have decided long ago that how people react to the way I look is their business, not mine. In other words, your experience of me, is all on you, zero on me. Now, these comments this poor older man is making are by no means meant to be insulting or hurtful. But they bring me back to a generation when women DID see themselves, AND valued themselves, through the eyes of others and eagerly awaited constant reflections from others of how they were perceived. Sadly, I know many women still find their worth in checking others to help set their worth barometers. Weirdly, I am thankful for some tough years for getting me to this point. I spent many years of my teens convinced I was anything BUT pretty and when you spend that much amount of time working on a perceived "problem", the universe finds all kinds of ways to provide you with answers. I found out I may not have felt attractive physically but I have the most fascinating, entertaining imagination, I am also a loyal-to-the-end type friend and I am fearless and relentless in all things I believe in. In the end, like the story of the ugly duckling, I found that all these things were what made me attractive after all, and no effort was ever really needed to ever be other than myself. 


                  So I will continue to walk my trail and run into this man daily, who will most likely continue to think he's being my ever-helpful mirror. Maybe he thinks I want or need his views on how I look to him. I don't have the heart to make him see a reality perhaps he's never imagined women could possess. It does not bother me at all. I will most likely smile, wave, do small chit-chat and move on. As I said before, what he thinks of me is his business, not mine. I've got my own inner mirror now and that is my ONLY business.  

Read the damn clues girl- read the room and reassess

 

                     We might be swimming along fine in this thing we call life and then every so often we get weighted down or tangled in crap we did not anticipate. This happens all the time. Then it's up to us to make it right again, so that we can be stress-free and content. 

                      In my recent past, entanglements meant loss of sleep, stress, tears, anger and frustration. I would suffer for days wondering why someone said what they said or did what they did. I would play the scenario over and over in my head and relive the moments of stress over and over again in my mind. BUT!,  Lucky for me, being 46 has lots of advantages. One, is being I don't expect much from anyone. I never really did, but now, I certainly don't need people who bring me stress in my life. 

                    Life has taught me that there are pretty much two types of people in this world. The first type are the insecurity-based or fear-based people who pretty much will do whatever it takes to address these inadequacies in ways that will never benefit you. Then, there are those who are integrity-driven, who are fearless and genuine and will never compromise their integrity for anything or anyone, regardless of the circumstances. Fear-based folks don't always know they are this way, yet, one can easily gauge from their actions for it's much, much harder to understand the actions of the former.  

                    I tend to navigate towards people whose actions make sense and whose acts I can understand and make sense. Likewise, I pull away from those whose actions make no sense to me. Congruence between what I see and what I get is a pretty easy way to see who falls where between these two categories. If I don't understand something in a relationship, I will never try to push for answers, or prescribe a solution. I see the very act of trying to laboriously work on a relationship useless and unnecessary  kind of like swimming uphill. Meaning, putting in so much effort to make things work signify that one may not get satisfactory enough results to be worth one's time in the end. And don't take me wrong, relationships may not necessarily be easy, and some are worth saving. But, the majority of the time you are in a relationship, it should be manageable, it should feel predictable and mostly simple. When relationships are confusing, weird and odd, it's time to pull back and reassess. In essence, read the damn clues girl. 

Honor you body when it talks

               I was having a talk with my daughter about stuff the other day, deep stuff and the subject matter or how do you know something for sure, sure came up. My answer rolled out of me without an ounce of hesitation. You know because your body will tell you. THE MOST valuable thing running has taught me is the keen ability to listen to my body, this key skill can also be used in matters of the heart, friendships, job stresses, etc. How do you know you need to reflect, make changes, discuss, address anything?  Your body will tell you. You will have nightmares, you will be unable to sleep, your heart rate will increase in certain key situations around key people and subject matters and on and on. 
                  Okay, so what does one do with that knowledge? one addresses it, head on. Your goal here is bringing back to a calm state. I subscribe to the idea that one must constantly strive to be in this calm state and if anything veers your focus from it, it MUST be addressed. Now, that does not mean others will or should understand.... it's not always going to go that way, where you address something and all is well with the world, no... it actually rarely does.... and this is where the next rule comes in.... the rules of understanding. You're going to have to bring calm to your body no matter what and that needs to happen regardless of the external world's understanding or lack thereof of your point of view. Which, in many cases may result in separation. And that is how decisions are made without too much thinking...  
                     This inner knowing is very much more pronounced in us in extreme emotions, such as when we fall in love. When it's true love you know and when you fall out of love, you also know. Words are almost not needed for these transactions. You will be safer listening and following the directions of your body. 
                      So lately I have felt that certain situations bring my inner vibration down. Gossip, girl drama, grumpiness, jealously, and even frustration bring ones vibrations way down. I do not want to dwell there, plus, being this way feels awful. You are in your mind all the time, planning, stressed, worried...When that happens we cut off the connection we have with our body and we may even get ill. I am trying desperately these days to continue to remain on a higher vibration with a multifaceted approach. One, I am in nature A LOT, I am taking care of my body, I am feeding my soul with warm, loving moments with friends and family, and listening and reading about great ideas from great people who mirror the type of person I wish to be. During my runs I pretty much ONLY listen to things that either better me or feed my soul. 
                       My goal to day is to continue to work on clearing my energy so that I can again connect with my body, the one and only (and best) tool I have to gauge my world. 

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee 1000K

          Sometimes you just need a huge goal to get you moving again.

            I had not been able to really see this about myself but I realize I had been bummed about my last race. Something about it did not sit well with me and so I stopped running. For months I walked and walked and refused to even attempt running. Then Coronavirus happens and all of the sudden this beyond-this-world challenge comes along and I join. I was already doing about an average of 5.4 miles a day when I signed up but the fact that I would HAVE to do that in order to make it by the 4 month deadline was a bit tough to swallow, yes, a bit intimidating. But here we are.... I feel I am doing well. I am running anywhere between 50% and 80% of my 4 milers in the day and walking 2 miles every night, with my dog.

             I have NEVER run consistently this many moles a week before....maybe for the last week of a marathon training maybe, but certainly not weekly, consistently, week after week. So let's see what happens... as far as my drive goes I know I am getting this medal... and a t-shirt, if I remember correctly.

            I have also joined a virtual group with people I know from work and from races and some who are family members of those people... as someone that has always been on this running journey alone, this is a nice bonus. We support each other daily through videos and messages. This solitary dwindling runner could not have imagined even 2.5 months back that I'd be this active and this involved in a running group. loving every minute of it.

Monthly miles

Hidden strengths

              I have always known myself to have good instincts. I can pick up when people don't like me, or when someone is attracted to me or even intimidated by me. I can sense it when someone wants more from an interaction, is disappointed or even angry underneath, regardless of their smile or their poker face. What I did not know though, until this week, is how come I am this way. I've always thought it was just something I was born with. Just this week it occurred to me, quite suddenly doing one of my walks, that I have always had to rely on myself and myself, alone, to know how to read any given situation. In fact, for most of my adolescent and adult life the huge decisions I made concerning my life, since age 9, I have done alone. No adult conversations, no guidance counselor, no coach, no teacher.....me, alone. My mother, who I love very, very much, and whom I do not fault for any of this, was of the generation that did not talk about much...period. Additionally, she worked long hours only to then face an almost hour and half commute each way daily. Growing up and I was left to my own devices, from a very young age and only when I had my own kids did I realize how alone this alone really was, for I could not imagine ever being that distant from my own kids. Again, not blaming anyone here, but truth is the truth and it was what it was. At my age, I refuse to lie to make things more palatable and being absolutely real is part of this middle-age mind shift. 

        But what a surprise to come to my mid 40's and see that what I regarded for so long as a misfortune ends up being one of THE most valuable assets, and what an amazingly useful asset it is. Without effort, I can feel people's vulnerabilities. I have friends that whom I can immediately tell when they are not okay. I walk into rooms full of people and feel the energy and use that to help me navigate the space. I have listened to this voice and this voice alone now for so long no that I trust it before any other. For example, when someone may be emotionally volatile; my whole body will feel tense in their presence. 

No doubt LOTS of people have these same gifts, in fact, I feel everyone has these gifts buried in them. In my case, my life circumstances have helped make these instincts razor sharp. That, combined with trusting one's instincts have come to reinforce these gifts. I never thought I'd be thankful for a tough upbringing. 

no apologies....2020 version

One thing running does to you is it makes you brutally honest. It could be a side affect from having the needs to address small body issues as the come up while running. In running, if one did not see  diagnose an issue clearly one cannot in essence fix the issue. In running it's of utmost importance to fix the issues as they come up and before they get huge. So runners become really good at tackling the issue at hand, as it comes up, this moment. We don't like to sit on issues. This is the lens I now use to address my world. Things come up and they are addressed, no matter how tough the "thing" is, leaving the issue to linger for another day is simply not an option. I bring this up because I have noticed myself become increasingly frustrated and incredibly impatience with how fear of confrontation from people who choose to run away instead of face their own mistakes help make a huge muck out of things. 

I find myself  therefore completely having zero patience for anyone who can't own up, do their part, participate, BUT, will expend tons of energy and go the ends of the earth to construct an excuse for their behavior, or worse, blame you for it. 2020 has brought out the teeth in me, and viscerally I find myself walking away from these people, emotionally, literally, and figuratively. More and more I remind myself of my mom. My mother could do 10 things at one time and do each one amazingly. She would, of course, always silently want and expect your help but if that help required her  to hold your hand while you did it,  forget it, she'd rather just do it herself, less stress, less drama...that is where I am right now. I have officially become my mother when it comes to how I think go disappointing people. 

Lucky for me I am surrounded by amazing people who dream big dreams like me, and who stand beside me shoulder to shoulder and pace along with the same ferocity. With people like these there is no limit to what one can accomplish. As I grow older people fall into two very distinct categories, the ones whose presence can help you soar and the one's whose weight can bring you down....there are no in-betweens, you are either someone who helps me sink or swim....if you make me sink I am cuttin' you loose. 

Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, Marathon #12, State #8

What was awesome about this race:
* The T-shirt was wonderfully soft, one of my very favorites.
* The course was sunny but not ever hot. There was a nice breeze at all times that helped it not become hot, ever.
*EVERYONE from the race directors to the volunteers were just so accommodating and lovely. Loved each and every one of them!!! I'd go back just to thank them all over again.
* Their choice of electrolytes and nutrition was easy on the stomach and now my new choice of electrolytes.
* The ease in which to get to start line (yellow busses as shuttles)
* The music at the start line was awesome!!


What could be improved:
* This was a race, I felt, primarily suited for the mudpack and front runners. Lots of BQ seekers in the crowd. As a back, back of the packer, I did not see many people that looked like me.
* I assumed the expo would be larger and would sell KT tape and GU so I did not pack those things. I ended up having to borrow them from a fellow runner.
* The course seriously needs to not have that loop at the end, so that the last runners do not run into trouble once the roads open back up.



The hotel I stayed at, Beau Rivage, was dressed for the holidays. 

Blast from the past!

Even a waving Santa!!

This is the location for the expo. It was small but the items in it were great. 

You know you are in the south when you see trees like these....anyone who knows me knows I lOOOOVVVEEE trees. 

I was just drooling over the greens.....in December!!

Heather and I tried to go to Whole Foods, and this is where Waze took us...LOL.... 

Some sightseeing....

A ceramics studio.....

We finally make it to the hotel and are ready to relax for the evening. 

Below us, casinos are just beginning. 

Alarm goes off on Sunday and this is me trying to look "ready"

Eerie sight. Runners waiting at dawn for portages-potties. 

And the sun finally rises....and its time to start...

The sun peeks through the clouds and into the horizon. 

I only see a few hundred runners for the full.....gulp. 

Police escort for the first 13 miles..... 

Heather helping me make the last few yards....

so freaking glad it's over

#12 done.... now I seriously need to work on getting faster because I do not plan on being last-ish ever again. 

Best part of racing is after racing.... a well-deserved bath!!!

Ready to catch my plane and taking silly pics. 

I am going to miss all this decor....

Goodbye Mississippi!! View from my hotel. 

Notes one training for a 48 hour race

First,  I should explain what my goal is. My goal is to do 101 miles within this time frame, no more, no less. Once I complete this milage I plan to stop. Below are my notes from my online research into how to train for this.....

*  Plan for one or more naps of 30 minutes to several hours. 
*  Have a person wake you
*  Run until you can't keep eyes open anymore. 
* Scheduled walking breaks 
* maybe 15 minute run, 5 walk? (one option) Or, "power-walk a mile every half hour."
* Start conservatively and end strong 
* Eat small portions to avoid stomach problems 
* Add Electrolyte solution that agrees with you
* Second night is the toughest- hallucinations 
* It will show you your weakest part of your body 
* Take a few days off work 
* Immunity will be greatly reduced for several weeks after (note to self-maybe juice a lot before)
* "I am on record as noting that a lot of finishing or persevering in ultras, particularly at 100mi, is between the ears, not below the waist."
* "all I really need is about 15 minutes sleep to clear the brain" and "naps of 10-15 minutes are all you need.
for me, one of those was usually sufficient for 48 hours." * "....the idea of sleeping and waking up really sore and stiff is correct. the idea that you wont get moving again is incorrect."
* ".....you dont have to go fast, but you need to go as much as possible."
* sleep deprivation is the hardest part 
* Fight the impulse to rack up miles early. 
* Incorporate walking breaks from the start to keep your legs as fresh as possible. 
* Stick with your race strategy. Eat and drink adequate calories.
* "the feeling of “we’re all in this mess together” is intense."
* "I escaped completely chaffe-free thanks to frequently reapplying Body Glide and changing into clean clothes every now and then. My feet were in pretty good shape. I changed my lightweight socks and covered my feet with Skin Glide every 8-ish hours"



Sources:thank you!!
*http://marathonandbeyond.com/choices/HAGEN2.htm
* http://stevetursi.blogspot.com/2010/04/48-hour-strategy.html
* https://www.insider.com/global-running-day-ultra-runner-how-to-run
*  https://www.runnersworld.com/advanced/a20813009/ask-the-coaches-strategy-for-a-200-mile-race/
* https://gregsalvesen.com/2015/04/06/getting-loopy-at-the-pickled-feet-48-hour/

100 miler here I come

Prepping for a workout

55 degrees, rainy 10 miler