Fearlessness

I was talking to a work friend about how I believe that everyone of us has one major 'life theme' in life. Seeing as I believe in reincarnation and that therefore each life therefore carries it's own theme, I told her that I believed my life theme was related to worthiness, or finding worthiness in me. I had been through so much in my short 40 years that all arrows neatly point to that conclusion; I am here to learn to know and feel my worth. Yet, as I reflect further tonight I realize that perhaps I have two themes for this one life. No doubt, I still believe that my early life was surely gaining this sense of worthiness. But from this moment and moving forward I think a new fitting theme is one of reaching absolute and utter fearlessness.  Fearlessness of others' opinions, fearlessness of others' disapproval, fearlessness of loneliness, of being the 'odd one' out, fearlessness of hard work, judgement, pain, loss and on and on. I think I am slowly chipping away at this in my own way, yet, deep inside I know fearlessness comes hand in hand with trust. It's like the two cannot exist independent of one another. Trusting that all things are the way they are meant to be, no matter how horrible they might seem at the moment, is the backbone of fearlessness. 

I experienced fearlessness tonight as I read the words of 32 year old Shawn Kuykenstrong, who died of cancer this week. He describe his condition on his blog, “You know, it’s fine. I have cancer. God has a plan. I’m going to fight.”. In another quote on that same post he also is quoted as saying, “God has a plan and I have to stick to it. If I do that, live or die, I win.” To look down at the precipice, the dark unknown and to trust so fully allowed him to own fearlessness. I was very moved by his solid fearlessness. 

I also experienced fearlessness this week as I felt a friend's family exhale, after 3 years, at finally knowing the legal fate of the cold-blooded murderer of their 4-year old daughter. Daily, as I bask and enjoy the hugs and kisses of my little girl I think of their little princess,Breeann, and wonder how they came through such an unbearable reality, how they moved on, and together and with love and kindness still in their hearts. 

I still have a long way to go to get to complete fearlessness, the great theme of the second part of my life is just at its infancy. But I 'trust' that the answer lies in working with trust. When overcome with fear that I can never again finish a long distance race I will trust in my own strength, my own training and in my body; the body that has yet not failed me. 

I am in a good place to practice, but also to teach trust every day. In one of my art classes today I realized that more and more I am teaching my children to simply reach inside themselves and find what makes them move to create their art. It occurred to me then that each child already has the makings of a great artist inside them. If only I can get each one of them to trust that, I thought to myself....The question becomes then how can I make them see that they already possess all the answers within them? To put it simply, that's what I teach every day, self-trust. Great artists trust themselves, their likes, their dislikes, their ideas, their views, their hunches, their preferences.....by teaching my students, I am again reminded of this creative process.  The makings of a fearless woman is already within me too, now, if only I trusted that fact, what a huge difference that would make.