I normally have a huge long list of resolutions for the New Year, but no, this year I have two very simple resolutions. Normally, I focus on what I don't want, and list them all, yet, this year I am only focusing on what I do want, and I mean ONLY.FOCUSING.ON.WHAT.I.WANT...nothing else. I want to feel at home in all situations, I want to be surrounded by people who know me, trust me and value me with all my imperfections, I want to navigate doubtless with my intentions close to my heart and be present for my loved ones.....really present. But back to my two resolutions.
Resolution #1, I resolve to make my comfort level priority in all situations. If something does not feel right, speak up; if a person makes me feel lesser, move away, if a situation irks me, look at it closer, don't just meek away into mouse-dom. Comfort is the meter by which the instincts speak to one's soul. Whether the people around me understand or not is not the focus. I've come to an age where I can no longer carry both my own expectations of what my life should be and the expectations of those around me of what my life should look like. If there's enough love in a relationship, it will survive the claiming of my own voice, it will allow me to find comfort in my own space.
Resolution #2, I resolve to make art often, with whatever media, anytime and to make sure to share it with whomever wants to make it with me in whatever way they can participate. I also vow to only worry about making and not to worry about what happens to them after they are made; to give away creativity as it builds and to keep the creative give and take conduit moving to allow for more and more creativity to arise in me. In the past, overly focusing on how my work makes sense to others or in the larger picture has thwarted my creativity.
This past year has been good to me, I finished a 50 mile race, I passed my National Boards (which means a huge bonus of $5,000 and a substantial pay increase at work), I ran 775 miles and did over 55 hours of weight lifting. This year I also did some super amazing works at school with my students and have felt the most at home in my body, more than I ever have before. BUT, I think I am just at the beginning of some more great things ahead. I am taking my teaching to another level in 2019, I am running a 62-mile race, I am traveling to 2 states to run races and am going to not feel guilty having fun doing it. I am going to eat better for my body type, yet, not obsess about it, I am going to laugh more, dance more, say yes more and make zero decisions out of fear. So you see, as good as 2018 was to me, 2019 will be MUCH, much better and it will be so because I am in charge of me, because I am choosing the verbs this time. In the words of Poet and author, Mark Nepo, "The aliveness is in staying in a verb." I am the verb this year....a.verb.every.day.