Sunday, January 27, 2019

Marie Kondo helps me find relationships that "spark joy"

          I Marie Kondo'ed my closet yesterday. I absolutely love my new closet; I can find everything and anything I need in seconds, even in the dark for those mornings when I have to work early and no one is yet up! But, I also feel like I "tidied up" in my own personal life this year. I held each relationship close to my heart and asked, "Does it spark joy?" and painfully sifted each accordingly, at times, not in very conscious ways.

        I have found that no matter how much you may adore someone, love alone will never guarantee that the relationship will function smoothly, or even survive. If a relationship begins to have piling unrealistic expectations, and/or accumulating unresolved gripes, and/or incredibly painful exchange of words, and to top it off, both sides are terrified of addressing the proverbial, "elephants in the room" (each time an "elephant" is present,) not much can be done to save it, sadly, not even love. For this reason, I have come to view arguments as the relationship's way of "taking out the garbage". Arguments should not be feared, should not be avoided ever. My husband and I argue quite a bit. Not in a yelling way, not in a mean r a violent way. We both argue our points passionately and openly and we always come to some middle ground in the end, most times within half an hour. We use to argue a lot more, not so much anymore. But when we do argue these days we both have instinctually learned not 'hit below the belt', which pretty much means no psychoanalyzing the other, and not touching on known triggers, which we all have by the way. When we apologize, and we both always apologize, we truly let it go from that hug moving forward. It's like setting a reset button. 

          It's quite easy actually, and now that I have done the tidying up of my home, I can see how it also helps in tidying up my heart. Every single person in our lives either sparks joy within us, or not. I have so much love for everyone in my life, past and present. The love pour out of me and into the world and makes me feel connected to everyone and everything, that is always a constant. But each person in our life, no matter how I feel towards them, also brings up a set of feelings in each of us, that matter A LOT to our daily sanity. When my actions and words are congruent to what's in my heart, which they always are, and I am still seen/defined as either broken, angry, or sad there is very little I want from those interactions. We get the freedom to define ourselves ONLY, and no one else. The minute another feels free to tell you your worth or define to you who you are to you, and without your permission...., the relationship is no longer conducive to success. 

            Been practicing wild acceptance of myself these past few months. The premise is 'what would happen if I were just me to everyone, would they still love me? or would they require me to become their version of what I should be. I am all the things I have ever been accused of and more. I am so tired of trying to be other people's versions of me and feeling miserable for always failing them. Who wants to always be wrong? Despite my "horrible failings" I have found a tribe of love, finally. It's what they say about used clothes, one man's garbage, is another man's treasure. Instead of feeling shitty always that I am not who others expect me to be, I will simply be me and see who sticks by me.... it's been wild..... but lots of new adventures await. At least it's not a lonely journey. 

            

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