Tuesday, October 30, 2018

"Definite yesses and definite no-s"

                   We all know what we want, yet, at some point we just forget to check in with ourselves and lose track of that little voice that decided for us, the inner voice that says, a loud yes....or a no.

                   At some points in my life my visceral yes and no have been sharp, at others, not so much. When I met my husband and I talked to him for that 2 hours I knew that night he was a definite yes. Something about his energy rang true, honest and definitive. In 4th grade when a sweet, well-meaning boy strongly professed his love to me, it was a definite no. I did not know what then, all I knew is that it made me scared to feel the force of his request, lingering over me. Yet, other times the yes or the no have been tough to choose between. we all have had these, the giver is well meaning, but us, the receiver, does not need or want what's being offered.

                   I have learned that we will encounter people in our lives who give us with all their heart and send love fully our way yet it still might not be what we truly need. In fact, the intensity of the giver can often scare away the recepeiant for with being the receiver of such intense gifts one can only assume the intensity must be reciprocated. I can liken it to romance; someone might offer you flowers, chocolates and constant positive and loving accolades but if that is not what you want/need then it can actually have the opposite affect, it can make you quite miserable. The line between what's good for is and bad for us is not always a clear, identifiable fine line. I have had friends offer me the world and back, when in fact all I ever needed from a loved one was an honest, caring heart, wine and time. Also, I have had boyfriends who want to wine and dine all the time, yet, when that is not one's "cup of tea" it can make feel quite stressed, even lonely.

                      You might be wondering how does all this relate to running. Well, running takes time and time is a very prized commodity. in the world of anyone who wants to maximize their living potential. With time, I can make a call to a loved one and make his day, with time, I can focus on what's important, like reading to my kids, having dinner with my husband, or share a movie with family. Time and what we do with it is how we live our priorities....in essence, what we do with it is our life. Seeing as with running, I am left with limited time, I naturally embrace all things that are definite yesses.


Marathon 10, done !!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Dahlias are like me- why dahlia tattoos?

I am getting an arm tattoo of dahlias next week and here is what the dahlia means to me....

Dahlias are like me...
they are reliable, enduring and despite the cold winter, they come back, looking unscathed, every year, without fail.
Dahlias are like me...
They are incredibly fragile and t times considered too sensitive....for the garden. The flowers easily brake at the ever slightest gust of wind. After a storm I find them strewn around, destroyed.  
Dahlias are like me...
They draw all sorts of eclectic friends taking refuge in her petals. 
Dahlias are like me...
They remain more beautiful when left alone, than when they are plucked. When claimed, the stem often immediately breaks off and they are left with no means of life. 
Dahlias are like me...
Their presence alone makes people feel they are noticed.
Dahlias are like me...
They require very nothing in return for all the beauty they provide. 

No one is coming to save you....

               No one is coming to save you. So many problems could be shortened with understanding the meaning behind these few words... The faster you get to understanding this the faster we can do the work we were born on this earth to do. 

No, one, is, coming, to, save, you....

            There is no knight, no set of words, no guru, no friends, no set of words or book, religion, or movie that will fix it all and give you a forever after. In the midst of my worse moments of the not so distant past I have come to this very realization many times. This is it. I am the ONLY one who can get me out of this, only me. You can have friends and family help alleviate some of the journey, but ultimately you have to move your own feet to move forward and grow. You have to define the world through your terms act, move, jump to live it. 

              I have been reflecting a lot lately on this...the idea behind "no one is coming." Once I started running I discovered how little I needed others to help me feel good, or proud of me or just to fell right. The idea that something external to me needed to happen or come in order for me to reach some pinnacle started falling away. No doubt about it thought, the idea itself feels cold, impersonal and seemingly unforgiving, yet, in it's very harshness it holds the key to freedom. The idea that no one is coming forces us to immediately come to terms with our full responsibility over our lives. No one is coming translates to "me.... showing up fully". No one is coming means that I step up all the way or it does not count. Again, it's scary but also liberating. 



Sunday, October 14, 2018

Once you beat one fear, anything is possible

Nothing beats self pride. 
You can get hundreds of accolades all day from people about the progress you are making, yet, the accolades we give ourselves are worth 1,000 times more in my book. 

Yesterday, I learned how to forward flip over in the pool and kick off the wall. I did not grow up knowing how to swim. At age 42 I take my first swimming lesson and now I am much more confident in the water. Therefore, a front flip in the water may seems super simple for people who grew up swimming, yet, this was huge for me! On the drive home from that lesson I was beaming. You see, for the longest time I was terrified of laying face up under water and this is what I finally learned how to do today and it's something I would have always imagined impossible...at least for me, with so many issues around water. 

We all have things we are terrified to try out as grown-ups so experiences such as this, where age-old fears are laid to rest mean the world to me. Why? Because if there exists other fears growing cobwebs in my mind, I know that although I may not know how I can beat them right now, that's inconsequential. All I need to know is that beating our fears IS possible. The how happens in trusting the process, in trusting that in doing a small bit every time will eventually chip away at those fears. 

Suddenly, I feel empowered to search and find other fear-based beliefs about myself that may be lurking in the dark.... what else is possible, now that this is possible? Maybe I can run Boston in a few years, or maybe I can run 100 miles someday, maybe I can actually get faster....who knows. 

Monday, October 1, 2018