Thursday, May 25, 2017

Deflating Anger

               My husband's mom passed away last week and the whole family drove up to Massachusetts for the wake and the funeral. It was both physically and emotionally very tough on all of us. In all, I went 4 days without running, and we drove 20 hours within 3 days and afterwards, once it was allover, I found myself being angry a lot. Angry at a thankless friend who've I've done numerous favors for and now simply ignores my emails with request for help. I find myself being angry at the local drivers who choose to wait to merge onto Braddock Road instead of turn into the turning lane where it would be much simpler to merge, angry at the relentless rain that has causes lots of games to be rescheduled, then there is the glue I ordered 2 months ago that has not yet arrived and I need it for my lessons. As I began to feel overwhelmed with this anger I noticed that the more I got mad the more mad I got. It became like a stream of never-ending bubbling up of more and more reasons to be mad, from little minute reasons to giant blogs of justifiable reasons, all coming at me at the same time. 

        What does one do with all this anger? I knew from my readings into the nature of the mind that thoughts are fleeting and like any energy force, thoughts, come and go, so I knew better than to believe them. Nevertheless the feeling of anger persisted, reminding me constantly how awful everyone can be at every interaction, making me want to just crawl away into a hole and never see another soul. 

         But wait a minute! so much good has also been happening and for some reason our minds love to veer away from all the good and primarily focus on the bad. One has to make a strong concerted effort to refocus on the good and soon the bad starts to seem less overwhelming. So let's see....what good has been happening? We came back home from the funeral and my angel friend, Jenna, had made us dinner, more importantly, she got me my favorite red wine and brownies. The kids, upon my return, told me they had missed me, friends at work came in my class and were happy to see me back. My husband was okay with me leaving for over an hour so I can go to the gym and run for the first time in 4 days, I got to enjoy a 5 mile run, my mom called to tell me her surgery went fine. I found out my son does not have a game tomorrow which means I can join friends for a happy hour. 

       You see, the world will always throw us crap. People do suck, sometimes, drivers are bad, sometimes, disappointment is waiting at every corner. But if we let them into our minds, into our moods, they win. We have to actively push back and set ourselves up for a better state of mind. I do this with running, but I also do this by bringing my mind back to the things and the people I love. 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

rewrite motherhood




Monday, May 1, 2017


Dear women who openly walk around nude in the locker room at the gym, 

           Although I am currently way too shy to be able to walk around nude in the women's locker room at my gym, I very much cheer, admire and am in total awe of anyone who can do this and hope to some day be able to join you in this act of beauty, defiance and bravery. As I jealously passed a few of you this morning after my workout doing your hair or toweling off buck-naked in front of the mirrors, I internally challenged myself that I too would be one of you within the year. 
             I guess I have always been very reserved. Most likely it stems from from years and years of being self-conscious about my body, and yes, with a touch of cultural shyness to boot. Seeing a grown person in the nude was just not common sight growing up in my household. I remember I was a babysitter for a family in my teens. This family had a pool. Before swimming one day the moms chose to change right into their suits right front of me and I had a huge panic attack; nothing like this has ever happened in my presence before. As I grow to love my body more and more each day I find it imperative that I too face my own discomfort with nudity and if I am to continue changing in total privacy to make damn well sure that it's not out of shame or pure cowardice. So, I'd like to thank you for just being who you are! You represent a place I'd love to be in my relationship with my body, yet have not yet reached. Seeing you be so free and confident in your body allows me to be more confident in mine. You see, we all inspire each other, so keep on being your amazing self. 

-Still too shy to bear it all